Table of Contents

Introduction: A Rambling Preamble, or How This Came to Be xiii

A word to the reader, or more precisely, 452 words to the reader xiii

Get that train off your penis xv

Part 1 Pregnancy and Birth, or Is This Really Happening? 1

So the accountant got her aunt to do some woo-woo on our unborn babies? 3

Were in trouble if our doctor doesn't know how women do it 9

You thought telling me I have good stats for a football player would be funny? 15

Do you think it's heretical if I refer to myself as the Trinity? 19

Why do so many people say stupid things to pregnant women? 23

Can you imagine if Tarantino made a film about pregnancy and birth? 27

The Sappy Files, Part 1 (or Why My Kids' Future Therapists Should Be Kind) 30

Part 2 The First Twelve Months, or The I-Barely-Remember Year 33

Please take these crying things away 35

Follow that car. My babies are in there 39

Can you stop selling boob-show passes to our guests? 45

Do you think they dropped our babies into a big vat of soup? 53

You spit at the taxi driver while pushing the stroller? 59

How long were those drunken women holding our babies? 64

We travel with our own dual airbags 72

I'm screwing up our kids 81

We're scarring them for life 82

The Sappy Files, Part 2 (or Why My Kids' Future Therapists Should Believe I'm Somewhat Sane) 86

Part 3 The Toddler Years, or Reasons to Start a Therapy Fund 89

We need to outwit, outlast, outnumber our kids 91

I'm swearing my way to cleanliness 97

Would you put your penis away? 104

Mommy will sneeze like Donald Duck if you pick up your toys 109

You don't need clothes to be a dancer 117

The Sappy Files, Part 3 (or Why My Son's Future Therapists Should Adore Him) 124

Part 4 Preschool, or Who Taught You That? 127

Eating kids' Halloween candy is a community service 129

We can use the money from the kids' account to pay the credit card bill 136

Did you pee on Minnie Mouse on purpose? 145

You can buy a baby at the hospital 149

It's not an ice cream truck, it's a vegetable truck 154

Hop on Pop, if you know what I mean 159

Who told you that you should breathe through your mouth when daddies poo? 171

The Sappy Files, Part 4 (or Why My Kids' Future Therapists Should Believe I Don't Need to Be Committed. Yet.) 176

Part 5 Kindergarten, or Why I Had a Breakdown 181

I put the mental in environmental 183

A homeless princess and a lion preparing for a flood, excellent choice of costumes 191

Her puke ruined the new car smell 196

Did you actually lick the tire? 202

Do you want to come to Stripper Barbie's funeral? 207

If you can't stop laughing, think of something sad, like dead puppies 214

I can't cope anymore 222

The Sappy Files, Part 5 (or Why My Daughter's Future Therapists Should Adore Her) 225

Part 6 Beyond Kindergarten, or Putting the Fun in Dysfunction 227

Stop using your straw to suck up spaghetti 229

You can't shoot people in church 237

He put the hose down the vent and turned on the water 243

The next time you come out of that room, you'd better be bleeding 252

I love the sound of vacuuming up LEGO in the morning 257

I'll smuggle some Pinot Grigio in the kids' water bottles 263

The Sappy Files, Part 6 (or Why My Kids' Therapists Should Have a Drink, Unless They're Alcoholics, in Which Case Don't. Blame. Me.) 271

The Post-Amble, or The Sappy-File Finale 273

The Final Sappy File (or Why I Need to Laugh) 273

Acknowledgments, or People I Didn't Forget to Thank 275

Resources, or High Tech-y Stuff 277

Index, or A Completely Unhelpful but Accurate Classification 279