Read an Excerpt

HOW TO SAY ANYTHING TO ANYONE

Greenleaf Book Group Press

Chapter One

Did you buy this book hoping for the secret formula that would reveal how to safely tell your boss he's a jerk? Or to learn how to tell "the lingerer" (you know, that person who stops by your desk to drop something off and thirty minutes later is still blabbing about her personal life) to go away? Well, you're in luck. Later in this book, I'll give you that formula. But the formula is not what you're missing.

There is an abundance of books on how to give feedback—Difficult Conversations; Fierce Conversations; Crucial Conversations; and Dealing with Difficult People are just a few of the titles that are out there. Many of you have read them, and most organizations offer training on how to get through difficult conversations and manage conflict. Yet most people say nothing when others frustrate them.

You can read all the books and attend all the training programs you want, and it will make little difference. It's not just technique that you're lacking.

And it's not necessarily that you don't know what to say. It's that you feel you can't say what you want to say. You haven't been given permission. Without receiving prior permission, you feel at risk to speak up—so you don't.

What you're lacking is an agreement. You would never buy a car or rent an apartment without a contract. But you have relationships without contracts all the time. Where is the agreement that defines how you will work with your coworkers or customers, and how they will work with you? What? You've never heard of such an idea? Well, that's exactly why you're reading this book.

We assume people will do things the same way we do, such as be on time for appointments, pay their fair share in a restaurant, and tell us in advance if they're going to miss a deadline—because that's what we do. We don't tell people what we expect from them, because we don't think we need to.

It's a little like being frustrated that you weren't given a project to manage that you never asked for. Or hoping for a new iPad for your birthday but not telling anyone, and then being annoyed when you receive a series of coffee-table books that will go straight to your re-gifting shelf.

YOU: "How could he not know I wanted an iPad?"

THE VOICE OF REASON: "Because you never told him."

YOU: "But I shouldn't have to tell him. He should just know."

THE VOICE OF REASON: "Expecting people to know what you want without telling them is insane. How about this: Make a list of birthday gifts you want and ask permission to give the list to your significant other. Chances are he'll be relieved, and you may actually get what you want next year."

Here's a crazy idea: What if you started every relationship by creating an agreement about how you will treat each other?

TEACH PEOPLE HOW TO WIN WITH YOU

What if you set the expectation that when someone violates such an agreement—and it's only a matter of time before one of you does—you both not only have the right but are expected to say something?

Then people might just tell each other the truth.

For example, what if when you scheduled an appointment with a vendor who is notoriously late, you told her that promptness is important to you? You tell the vendor that you're looking forward to the meeting, but if she is more than fifteen minutes late, you're going to leave.

Having laid out this expectation, you might feel more justified in walking out at 12:20 when she still hasn't arrived for your twelve o'clock appointment than you would have if you had not set an expectation during your initial conversation.

For those of you who are thinking, "That may happen to you, but it never happens to me. I would never allow it," here's another example. Have you ever had lunch with a friend or coworker who repeatedly stiffs you for part of the bill? Every time you go out he pays only for his $10.00 burger, forgetting to include tax and tip. Has that person shorted the bill more than once? Did you ever say anything? I'm guessing that instead of speaking up, you begrudgingly threw in a couple of extra dollars, while wondering why you continue to have lunch with the guy.

Instead of subsidizing your cheap friends and coworkers, how about trying something new? What if when sitting down for lunch, everyone at the table agrees to pay his or her fair share? If someone doesn't, each person at the table not only has the right but is expected to say something. "Okay all you tightwads. We're short $8.00. Pony up for tax and tip. We had a deal." And if you want to be a bit more tactful, you could say, "We're short $8.00. If you didn't add tax and tip, please throw in a couple more dollars."

If you make an agreement in advance, you might feel freer speaking up than if you hadn't made that agreement in the first place.

Why do people continue to stiff you on the bill? Why are they always late? Because you allow it.

When there's no permission to speak candidly, you don't. Most of us are afraid of damaging our relationships. So instead of saying what we really think, we suck it up and wait for people who are late and subsidize people who think that tax and tip don't apply to them.

BEHAVIOR GUIDELINES

A few months ago I was speaking at a conference, and two women sitting in the third row talked throughout my entire presentation. The noise drove me nuts. But did I speak to them or confront them? Did I ask them to stop talking? No!

I wanted to say something but I didn't feel that I could—because I hadn't initially requested that the audience refrain from side-talking. If I had asked the two women to stop talking, I would have been criticizing them for something I hadn't asked them not to do. Kind of like getting feedback during a performance appraisal about an issue that no one mentioned to you during the entire year. We all hate that, don't we?

How about asking someone who is texting during a meeting to turn off her phone? When no behavior guidelines are established at the onset of the meeting, how does the facilitator manage participants' behavior?

People feel betrayed when they are called out in these situations, because they're being held to standards they weren't aware of, which makes it impossible for them to win.

You might be thinking these are such common guidelines that they shouldn't even need to be mentioned. Everyone knows we should turn off our phones and not side-talk during presentations. That's true, and yet we break the rules all the time. How many meetings do you attend in which people are stealthily texting under the table, as if no can see what they're doing?

Setting expectations at the beginning of anything new—a meeting, a relationship, or a project—makes it easier to address frustrating behaviors when they happen. And they will happen.

PREPARE FOR THINGS TO GO WRONG

As human beings, we make commitments and then we forget them. How many times have you remembered a meeting only when a reminder popped up in an email? It's why we chose to carry five-pound Franklin planners before replacing them with iPhones and Droids. Our tendency to break commitments is also why personal trainers make a living.

Of course, we don't need someone to watch us warm up on a treadmill and do repetitions. Personal trainers stay in business because without someone expecting us to show up at the gym and charging us if we don't, many of us would sit on our couch watching reruns of bad TV shows.

Rather than expecting people to remember and keep all of their commitments, you're a wise person when you expect that they won't and put what I call a prevention in place.

PREVENTIONS

Preventions take into account that people are human and that human beings make mistakes. Let's say you've made a commitment not to eat sugar. You know that if you buy a pint of your favorite ice cream and put it in your freezer, it will be gone in a few days. So, as a prevention, you don't bring ice cream or other desserts into your house. If you're desperate for a sugar fix you may find yourself driving to the nearest convenience store, but leaving your house is definitely less convenient than walking to your freezer.

Since the day after those two women side-talked throughout my presentation, I've taken a few moments to set expectations at the beginning of every speech, training program, and meeting. I ask people to please silence their phones and not side-talk, email, or text during the presentation. Then I put a prevention in place.

I write the agreements down and post them someplace visible at the beginning of every meeting and presentation. I revisit the agreements before breaks and at the onset of each ensuing session. Keeping agreed-upon behaviors in the forefront makes managing "bad" behavior easier. Instead of being the bad guy and reprimanding people, I am merely reminding them of what they've already agreed to do.

Although I establish my presentation and meeting guidelines and then post them, I know some attendees will still talk to the person next to them and whip out their iPhones. They can't help themselves. So I put a fallback in place.

FALLBACKS

A fallback is a consequence that a group agrees to when people violate agreements. A typical fallback for meetings is for each person who is late to put a dollar in a jar. When the jar is full, the people who were late have funded a happy hour!

When I managed training sessions for a mutual fund company, I would give participants who arrived late to the training sessions the option of putting a dollar into a jar, singing a song, or telling a joke. All of these agreed-upon fallbacks were effective until people started to purposefully arrive late so they could sing! They wanted their moment of stardom. When I realized that the consequence had become a perk, we agreed on a new fallback.

As we all know, relationships are not always smooth. Unless you're hanging out with androids, you will eventually disappoint someone and be disappointed. Setting expectations, putting preventions and fallbacks in place, and asking for permission to give and receive feedback are examples of deliberately designing your relationships. Regardless of what happens, each person involved in making the agreement has the freedom to talk about violated expectations. Hopefully this will preserve and strengthen your relationships, so you don't wind up fired or so others don't refuse to work with you, with no explanation.

ASK FOR CANDOR

When I was trying to brand my business, the owner of a marketing agency I was considering hiring put a sizable proposal in front of me. I was overwhelmed. The plan was, shall we say, much more robust than I had anticipated. In fact, the cost was a showstopper.

After we learned more about each other's businesses and talked through the elements of the proposal, I said, "Let's talk about money. The cost associated with this proposal overwhelmed me. I'd love to do this work with you, but if I choose to do it, I'll have to go live with my mom."

Despite the fact he had just discovered that I probably couldn't afford to work with him, the owner of the agency looked relieved and said, "Most people dance uncomfortably around the issue of money and never quite get to it. You just threw it out there."

I told him what I tell all the vendors I work with: "I'm really direct. You can say anything to me, and I hope you will. I mean it. Never be worried about something you want or need to say."

So how about trying something new? At the beginning of all of your professional relationships, ask people to be honest with you. Give your boss, coworkers, customers, and vendors permission to say whatever they need to say, and ask for permission to do the same.

EFFECTIVE BUSINESS RELATIONSHIP LANGUAGE

Consider using the following language when starting business relationships.

Kicking off relationships with Coworkers

"I want a good relationship with you. If we work together long enough, I'm sure I'll screw it up. I'll wait too long to reply to an email, make a mistake, or miss a deadline. I'd like the kind of relationship in which we can talk about these things. I always want to know what you think. And I promise that no matter what you tell me, I'll say thank you. Is it okay if I work this way with you?"

Kicking off relationships with direct reports

"As your manager, my job is to help you get where you want to go, whether that is within this organization or elsewhere. As a result, I'm going to let you know anything I hear you say or see you do or see you wear that either contributes to your success or gets in the way of it."

Managers who take the time and make the effort to set expectations build trust, rapport, and relationship—the elements of smooth working relationships.

Kicking off relationships with direct supervisors

"I'm committed to my professional development, and I'm always looking for growth opportunities. I hope that if you hear me say or see me do or see me wear anything that gets in the way of how I want to be seen, you will tell me. I promise I'll be receptive and say thank you. I also, of course, hope you'll tell me the things I do well that are in line with your expectations."

Although supervisors don't need permission to give their direct reports feedback, many are hesitant to do so. They don't want to offend or damage a new relationship. Like most people, managers are concerned that if they give negative feedback, they won't be liked or their employees might quit.

You might be thinking, "It's my boss's job to give me feedback. I shouldn't have to ask for it." And you're right. Your boss should give you feedback and you shouldn't have to ask for it. But if he doesn't, you're at a huge disadvantage. You may spend massive amounts of time on projects that aren't really important. You may not be given opportunities and never know why. And you may think your performance is strong, only to find out otherwise when you receive a mediocre performance review and a nominal pay increase. So yes, your boss should give you feedback without your having to ask for it. You can be right all day, but your righteousness won't get you any closer to the career or business relationship you want.

THE SCHOOL OF WHAT WORKS VERSUS THE SCHOOL OF WHAT'S RIGHT

When I was twenty-three, I moved to Boulder, Colorado, because the weather is beautiful and it's never humid in Boulder. I landed my first real job there (my parents were very relieved), supporting trainers who taught public seminars all over the country.

The company sent me to Chicago for training on my first day on the job. I was traveling with my new boss, who was only about six months older than I was and, in my opinion, very snooty. One afternoon we were sitting at a red light at a four-way intersection, waiting to turn right. I had just started to turn when a car in the opposing lane made a left turn and cut me off. I instantly hit the brakes.

My boss scowled and said, "Why did you stop? You had the right of way." I replied, "I'd rather be alive than right."

That experience stuck with me much longer than the job. Since that day, I've worked hard to live by the teachings of the school of what works as opposed to the school of what's right. That means that rather than stand on a principle, I make sure to get what I need.

Yes, your boss should tell you what he wants at the beginning of your relationship and give you feedback when you violate his expectations. But some managers will do that and some won't. If you want to get more detailed feedback than the statement "meets expectations" on your performance appraisal, you must know what your boss wants and how he wants it, as well as his perceptions of your performance.

When you tell your boss you want his feedback and promise to take it graciously, you're saying several things. First, you respect him and his opinion. Second, you demonstrate that you care about your career and take your job seriously. Third, you make it easy to give you feedback. Your boss doesn't have to worry that you're going to get defensive.

So be smart and take your performance into your own hands. Regardless of who you work for or what you think of him or her, ask for feedback early in the relationship. Promise to accept his or her response graciously.

Starting relationships by giving permission to give you feedback may feel a little weird. If my sample conversations feel awkward or unrealistic, use whatever language you feel comfortable with. Choose whatever words seem best to you. The important thing is to get out in front of your relationships.

Think about it—has anyone ever overtly given you permission to say whatever you need to say? Or promised that when you do, they'll say thank you? Setting the expectation that you'll give and receive feedback at the beginning of a relationship is so unusual, it immediately sets you apart. Almost no one does this, but everyone wants to work with people who do. Be that person. It's easy and costs absolutely nothing.

(Continues...)

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Excerpted from HOW TO SAY ANYTHING TO ANYONE by SHARI HARLEY Copyright © 2013 by Shari Harley. Excerpted by permission of Greenleaf Book Group Press. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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