Read an Excerpt

Twitter Wit
Brilliance in 140 Characters or Less

Chapter One

What's the deal with deaf people? Like, HELLO?
aedison

My half-brother has spent twenty-five years saying "Marijuana's not addictive!" Now he's shortened it to "Where's my phone?"
johnroderick

It's the postproduction phase of eating fast food that takes the experience all downhill.
feliciaday

I attribute most of my good days to a -couple of -people with voodoo dolls canceling each other out.
TBMimsTheThird

Bummer: Found out today the faithful dog I had as a boy was only CGI'ed in.
bonisteel

I haven't had anything left for Lent since 1993 when, at Arsenio's urging, I gave it up for Marlon Wayans.
weselec

That's ok. I've been meaning to clean that table with a full glass of water for a while.
fedge

I wish LA was really as pretty as they made it look in "Blade Runner."
Tony_D

It's happened: I have developed real emotions for my iPhone. Actually, it's no surprise, because I was raised by a TV and a microwave.
stuartpaap

I get really uncomfortable when people ask embarrassing questions about sex. Like: "Is that it?"
nostrich

They should really start teaching young girls in school just how valuable their virginity is and the websites where you can legally sell it.
Yayaa

My 9yo hopes Santa brings a PS3. He'll be comforted to know the box of disappointment under the tree has another year of free rent inside.
joeschmidt

Haven't shaved in so long that I scratched my cheek and an ex-girlfriend tumbled out. No, that's a tapeworm.
pagecrusher

Whenever I see the word"Chicagoland" I envision a cold theme park where everyone is eating sausages and looks like Mike Ditka.
riebschlager

Doc says I'm as healthy as a horse. Well, a horse that smokes. But still.
sflovestory

I get the impression that the Fat Acceptance movement is more about acceptance than it is about movement.
strutting

Fauxboes: The annoying kids on Haight Street that endlessly harass you for money.
RSAndersen

I'm sure the gin we drank last night was off. Feeling a bit ill this morning. The tequila might have been off too. And the cocktails.
kerry_anne

I've got my health! Woo-hoo. (My grandmother was totally right.)
mulegirl

I am talking about music, which is a series of sounds they put behind television advertisements in your country.
warrenellis

I fell victim to a Fonzie scheme. My financial advisor kept flashing me the thumbs-up and saying "Aaaaay!" And calling me "Richie."
rsmallbone

Every morning I wake up and think, "Don't let it slip about Darth Vader being Luke's dad." It's hard having a 5 yr old who doesn't KNOW.
anitan

"Did you just fart?" "Well, I didn't *just* fart; there was pageantry and tradition."
Notactuallyme

So many input boxes. Ever go to search for a girl on Facebook and set her name as your status instead? Yeah, I just did that.
robinsloan

We are men of coffee, sleep does not become us.
aragszxki

Oh so we have to be all cryptic and call them "magic" brownies but we can come right out and say pot pie?
delfie