One by one I’m giving my (cough, ahem) beloved Shelf critters their day in the sun on Thursdays, so it’s time to offer another one up to be exposed more than should be legally allowed. It’s early, and I’m still working my way through the gang’s A list, so today’s subject is the world’s most evil teddy bear, Snuggle! Yes, you know him from those creepy laundry commercials that have been on the air since the 80’s… but we’re only interested in the slightly more creepy version of that evil ursine who haunts the halls of SCT.
Hey dude! How’s it hanging?
NAME: Snuggle
SPECIES: Bear
SHELF PERSONALITY: Snuggle Bear is the troupe’s Super Creepy Rob Lowe. Whether it’s harassing the other players, getting a little too cozy with the females, or chasing around critter jailbait… Snuggle Bear is always causing trouble and can’t be trusted for a minute to actually behave himself. Snuggle is the patron critter of serial killers…
Dinner is served, Clarice!
RUNNING GAGS: Snuggle Bear can often be seen driving around the shelf’s unofficial vehicle (A Dick Trickle race car) causing mayhem with his plow, or using it as a windowless van to try and pick up hid girl crush Tina. He is the only one of my shelf critters who still retains his retail tag, which hangs from his left ear, and has drawn comparisons to Minnie Pearl by one of my commenters. Whenever Uncle Snuggie pops up into a scene, you know chaos is about to ensue…
SCORE, muthafucker!
Snuggle Bear is a complete sleazeball who has little respect for anyone. Other than Tina, who can often outsmart the predator Pedobear… the only other critter who has Snuggle’s number is Big Scrat, who Snuggle “met” in prison during a classically fucked up episode, and who enjoys knocking on the poor bear’s back door, if you know what I mean….
Allow me to press your pants while you’re still wearing them…
ESN PREMIERE: Snuggle Bear’s first real acting work came in the vignette that introduced many of the critters to my audience, Who Needs An Elf? He also had a bit part in my A Pony Christmas Carol series. His first starring role came in the memorable Bashful bit Laundry Day, where he helps the poor rock temporarily get deskunkified, all while showing off that smooth but ruthless personality you know and love him for…
Bashful’s gonna be so nice and fluffy once he’s done spinning around in there!
WHAT’S IN A NAME: Unilever gave Snuggle Bear his misleading name, not me.
ICONIC SCT ROLE: Uncle Snuggie’s usually a showstopper in just about any episode he appears in. But I think my favorite was his portrayal of The Big Bad Wolf in my send up of Little Red Riding Hood last year. From playing the horrible villain to getting what’s coming to him by a critter one-twentieth his size, Snuggle Bear makes being bad look so good…
And he’s the only one to ever tie up and gag Mitzi….. well, against her will, anyway.
WHAT IS HE?: A plush representation of Snuggle fabric softener’s iconic plush mascot and spokesbear… and one of the most unsettling corporate mascots ever created. I’m far from the only one who found his beady eyes and way too excited smile to be extremely creepy. You can find all kinds of great Snuggle Bear parodies on YouTube, but I’m most partial to this hilarious and extremely fucked up Robot Chicken sketch (RC may be one of my biggest influences in creating SCT, which should explain a lot)…
WHERE DID HE COME FROM?: One of my friends I know from the Millionaire message board works for Unilever (then the makers of Snuggle fabric softener) and bought him for me due to the fact that I stocked the detergent aisle at Mecca for a long, long time and usually poked fun at Snuggle Bear’s creepy ass. I chronicled that story in this old blog post…
Snuggle Bear, before I was able to ruin his reputation in SCT.
CAN I GET ONE TOO?: I don’t know… my Snuggle Bear is at least five years old, and most of the Google results for him turn up plushies that only vaguely resemble what I have (And what the real Snuggle Bear looked like in the first place). The few I found that seemed like a good match were out of stock on Amazon… but dig around enough on the retail and auction sites on the internet, and you too can have the world’s creepiest teddy bear stalking around your home too! Just be careful not to turn your back on him….
Hey baby! Mind if I stick my hot dog in your buns?
I’ll profile another fascinating inanimate object I play with next Thursday…
Advertisements Share with your favorite squirrels:
