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The Husbands And Wives Club: A Year In The Life Of A Couples Therapy Group (2010)

by Laurie Abraham(Favorite Author)

3.02 of 5 Votes: 3

ISBN

1416585478 (ISBN13: 9781416585473)

languge

English

genre

Memoir & Autobiography

publisher

Touchstone

review 1: This book was more clinical than I was hoping for. You are put in these couples lives and got into their story and then Abraham breaks to go into the history of couples and marriage therapy. Then you forgot what story you were just getting into. I was hoping for more just about them. It was good but I probably would've preferred the magazine article that most likely skipped all the clinical talk and stuck mostly with the couples.
review 2: I was hoping this book would provide me with some great insight into what I can do to make my marriage function better and improve my own level of satisfaction within it. I thought maybe I'd save my husband and I the hassle and cost of going to couples therapy. I thought that by reading this book I could figure out if its ev... moreen worth the trouble to seek out couples therapy. I concluded that it's not worth the trouble.My expectations of new and valuable insight on marriage and marriage counseling were partially met. I did gain perspective from the stories of the five couples chronicled by Abraham. Some of the couples were dysfunctional in ways similar to our own, and it was interesting to make the parallels. However the disappointing part for me was that there were no real solutions given, not even practical techniques to change dysfunctional behavioral patterns. I didn't learn as much as I had hoped because I was looking for a quick and easy fix to marital strife. This fix apparently either doesn't exist, or Abraham herself didn't find it either. I have to admit another reason I picked up this book was it's tag line, "Can these marriages be saved?" Now I recognize it as particularly gimmicky. It alludes to the notion that you can predict which couples will work out and which won't; while in the book itself Abraham herself dis-spells that notion. Congratulations marketing team, I feel duped. I think the most valuable lesson that I took away from it is actually more like an affirmation of an idea I have come across before. That idea being, that in order to change for the better, one needs to put oneself in a place where it's more uncomfortable to stay the same than to make a change. I guess I should also mention that this book also confirmed my belief that we're all autonomous beings. I realize that "no man is an island" and that we all carry on relationships for mutual benefit, but ultimately I believe we're individuals. Keeping that in mind helps me to take responsibility for my own actions and reactions in a relationship. I did take away a lot of good quotes from this book. A lot of them sourced from the psychiatrists, psychologists, clinicians, researchers, and analysts that Abraham either interviewed or whose work she referenced. They're good food for thought, especially for a static mind in need of change. Here's some of that resonated with me:"It's easier to feel victimized and noble" p52"A fair portion of [couple's therapy] clientèle has no intention of improving their relationship - they merely want permission to divorce.""Clem should be more properly considered not to have chosen his mother in Marie but to have created her in the older woman's image." referring to projection identification of a spouse p54"It's very liberating when your partner is holding up his end to make a couple." Marie referring to Clem not trying hard enough to change p167"Right now I don't have a sexual need, because while you all are almost at the technique level, I'm at the inside-dead level." "it's like asking somebody if they're hungry while they're choking" Marie on what would increase her sexual pleasure p35'Perceptions of the psychotherapy client's "resistance" as being...neurotic or as being something with must be overcome, analyzed away, or circumvented - such perceptions themselves are counter-therapeutic...Our lives, our well-being require that we maintain a measure of continuity in our way of living.' existentialist psychologist James Bugental p95"[resistance is] what your body does when you want to change, it's what your spirit does, your emotions do. They push back. They go, 'We're not changing. We're gonna do Christmas, we're gonna play. We're gonna talk about other people, take care of everybody else. We're gonna go intellectual,' or we're gonna say, 'Let me help you, darling, because there's nothing wrong with me.'" p165"Anger lets you know when something is not correct" referring to Michael's inability to acknowledge his anger p168"It's not dangerous. It doesn't make anything bad happen if you talk about what you're afraid of" "By giving yourself permission to feel, it allowed her to feel." to Joe and Bella about the miscarriage p158"Feelings, including anger, are harmless in and of themselves; it's how you manage them that matters. 'But when you have been raised as disconnected from your negative feelings as you have, anger is in charge of you. It disconnects you from yourself; it puts a smile on your face. I leads you to do things that aren't good for your wife...why would you offer somebody french fries if they're telling you they don't want french fries'" Coche to Michael p 169"if someone is present, they can't be absent; the energy is too high." Talking to Marie about walking out then brooding quietly in the corner, dominating the groups energy p155"Even if the person beside you is out of sync, keep your internal rhythm going." "You must be able to carry your own weight, and at the same time have the willingness to offer support." Movement instructor about co-support exercise p137"I think Marie must be exhausted trying to maneuver everything," about Marie trying to get Clem to bring up the subject of their sexual relationship and informing him of her stance to not do it herself "The key thing on my mind is: Do either of you really see a big future together?" is it worth it p 132"I see [sex] as an area you want to change, so therefore I want you to be the impetus for creating the change you want." Marie to Clem p129 "Marie's wish is to be engaged with rather than placated and thereby dismissed." "It's possible in a relationship to be dominant by becoming submissive," Coche talking about Marie & Clem p123 "Male [adrenaline] surge [in response to an argument] is maladaptive for modern living and explains why in '85 percent of marriages, the stonewaller' - the one who shuts down or flees the fight - 'is the husband.'" p115'When men are stressed, they need to retreat to their caves - it's a biological impulse - and that venusians must learn to "make peace" with that' John Gray, author of Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus about men shutting down in a fight p116"Husbands need to understand that frazzled women can't, well, shut up" p116"What threatens the edifice [of marriage] are the pounding hooves of the 'four horsemen' (of the marrital Apocalypse - to finish [John] Gottman's metaphor): contempt, criticism, stonewalling, defensiveness. Later he added a fifth, belligerence..." this all seems like impulse reactions to anger p 113'Tips for Successful Couples'...'ratio of 5 to 1 pleasurable to negative experiences,' another is 'willingness for both partners to be influenced by what their partner thinks.'" Coche referring to Gottman's research p108 "'If [the therapist] opposes the river by trying to block it, the river will merely go over and around him. But if he accepts the force of the river and diverts it,' a new channel will be cut." Milton Erickson on trying to tell people to stop a certain behavior vs. guiding them to own the change and perform it themselves, go with the flow sort of speak p103"Stable is giving you the freedom to figure out who you are and make the most of yourself." Coche to Michael about his childhood which he'd described as "static" while she described as "limiting." p 98'If one of you were weeping w/ the knowledge that people had not taken you seriously in the past and weeping because here was a person who was actually taking you seriousloy, and you were just overwhelmed with the emotion of it, how would you want your partner to handle it?' Coche to Michael suggesting he show empathy towards his wife'I can't go through life voiding out things that are not met with approval' Michael's epiphany wile accepting his resentment towards Rachel about the motorcycle 'I'm just being my mother: Things aren't good, but just cope with it.' p97"Researchers have demonstrated decisively that compatibility - similarity in attitudes, leisure activities, religion, and educations-contributes to marital harmony...Conversely, however, romantic rapture can be deleterious, wiping out obvious clashes in values and worldviews. 'No amount of big love,' [U Denver Scott] Stanley dutifully informs, 'will overcome strong deficits in compatibility in the long term.'" p80'In our culture at this time it would be a pretty bad sign if a couple were not feeling the head-over-heels thing sometime early on...The pressure to feel that way - and doubt yourself if you don't - is too great...People with more realistic expectations seem likely to do best in marriage, and it's not realistic to expect the crazy level of love, infatuation and happiness that people currently do.' p80 Stanley"We think it's inconceivable...for a man not to think with his dick" Kort p257'Because [psychiatry] wants to be seen as a science, and it wants to collect money. It has made this category mistake of thinking it provides treatments for diseases and not just conversation or community or human contact, or offering new slants on life.' Jay Efran prof at Temple University p72"Therapy boils down to a talent for conversations, [Jay] Efran believes" - 73"What [British pediatrician-analyst D.W.] Winnicott is getting at is that children test their parents' love by misbehaving, and if the adults fail to react in some proportionate manner, children doubt the sturdiness of parental affection and/or their own lovability. Similarly, Winnicott writes, 'If the patient seeks objective or justified hate he must be able to reach it, else he cannot feel he can reach objective love.'" p 71"to love and seek love are evolutionarily adapted survival techniques, designed to optimize survival of oneself and, later, one's progeny." - from London analyst John Bowlby p174"couples' 'skills deficits' often seem less a problem of 'acquisition' - they know what they should do - than of 'performance.' They can't make themselves do it." - Canadian clinician Susan Johnson p177"Stay in the "here and now," to concentrate on their immediate feelings and thoughts rather than extemporizing about their philosophies on life, love and happiness." Otto Rank p178"[Rank] argued ...that a patient's defenses could be dismantled in the "here and now" - and thus it is unnecessary to excavate childhood sources." p 178"The couple can do what securely attached partners and children can do in relationships: they can accept and articulate their attachment vulnerabilities; they can ask clearly for their needs to be met, rather than attack or withdraw; and they can take in another's love and comfort, and translate that love into a sense of confidence in themselves and others." Johnson p180"In charged moments with Michael, Rachel...said she feels "confused." Coche ascribes her muddled state to the anxiety incurred by the effort to change; then, too, what better defensive strategy than to retreat inside a mental haze." p180"I have seen couples in therapy who create a regime of terror through the use of saintliness, rationality...' begins one of my favorite sentence, in one of my favorite books about marriage, the aforementioned Intimate Terrorism, by therapist Michael Miller." p 98"how crazy and demoralizing it would feel to live with someone whose main weapon was to become more passive, more (spitefully) a good guy"." p194 on Clem disregarding Marie"For those of you who are passive, who control by withdrawing, this is what it feels like to your partner. This is why they try to boss you around, because they don't know what else to do." p196 about pain and frustration leading Marie to sound harsh rather than gentle toward Clem"the last thing you need is to be in charge of another adult." - p183 to Bella about Joe and her condescension towards him"You can't make sure he's in charge of himself." p183"until you know yourself, it's very hard to convey how you feel to another person." p233"First it must be done 'for self alone'" referring to change p262 less

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