Once during a training, there was series of questions asked to participants. One of it was about marital status. After separating those who already married to the single ones, the facilitator asked to us, the singles, whether we believe one day we will get married or not. My answer made me belong to a group that answered we don’t believe we will get married ever. Of course, because of that, followed-up questions came. Some just don’t believe in marriage, others believe they’ll never be chosen because of various reason, meanwhile I believe I will never get married because of family issue.
Those whom I like are never be approved by my parents, vice versa. The facilitator then tried to reaffirm that the reason behind my belief is because the respect I have for my parents. I was a little bit confused and did not want to open-up myself too much, so I just nodded. The fact is too far from that. It is not due to respect that I am so distraught, but fear is the reason. I fear the darkness of the future. I fear of the legal consequences if I stray, if I compel to be with the one I choose. I fear of failure. What if my parents have been right all along? What if he’s a jerk? Thousands of ‘what if’ flood my head.
In fact, fear has been steering my whole life. It takes up a huge portion in my decision-making process, even in dreams that I have. Ironically, despite the fears haunting me on a day-to-day basis, I still consciously trying to be rebel. I know what type of man my family wants, yet I look at the exact opposite of it. Perhaps it is because I want to rebel, or maybe my type has been the exact opposite all the time. I don’t know. It is possible my choice has been influenced by deep hatred of my family values, and I try to rationalize it.
Sadly, my ex-es and my current partner, are never going to meet my parents’ criteria of a suitable partner. And it leads to ‘unnecessary’ anxiety which I do not need right now. So I keep my relationship behind their back and worrying over their wrath if they find out, and always live in fear of the future. What if by then I get married to my partner and turns out my parents are right? What if all of this just a waste of time? Etc. Etc.
Sometimes, I think being single at least lessen my stress level. At least I just have to worry over myself, my procrastination, and my future in this fucked-up place. However, the need to have companionship still takes over from time to time. And it sucks. It sucks to have that attachment problem. It sucks to want to be with someone.
Most of the time, I wish there is a sound that guide me before I take any decision. Or at least a warning system, whether that decision I will take will lead to a lot of stress and anxiety or not. ‘Cause for me, who have hell inside my head, another additional stress or anxiety only drags me down to the bottom of the hell I live in.
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