My thoughts had carried me several hundred miles along the interstate as I was heading home. The euphoria of a wonderful holiday spent with family quietly drifted into the book of memories I placed high atop a shelf, and the current edition of fear-laced ruminations dropped into my mind. I was making the emotional and mental transition back to life as it is … life as I settled for it.
I was attending a church small group whose pursuit was freedom from life wounds that still held us in bondage. We were studying how to apply God’s Truth against the lies of the enemy, but being the real-life Linus that I was, my blanket of heaviness continued to trail behind me each day. With the flourish of a pen signing the divorce documents ending my parents’ marriage, a voice had whispered into this 11-year-old child’s ear, “Life is scary. You never know what’s going to happen to you.”
As the decades passed, I fantasized that the mixture of doubt and hopelessness — and mostly fear — would be ushered out with each old year, but come every January 1st, it was still there. I had adopted the lie of Satan that that was just the way life was. It became the place I was most comfortable. If my heart wasn’t beating with uneasiness or angst , I couldn’t operate. I was like a crack addict; fear had become my fix. It was how I functioned. It was a lifestyle I settled for … like Sarah had … and the Shunammite woman … and the paralytic … and I expected nothing to change.
So, with every mile I was closer to home, the fears became bigger. Consciously aware of reciting the list of fears to myself for the umpteenth time, I scolded myself. “You’re just a scared little girl, Pam. You’ve always been scared … of everything. You know it’s never going to be any different.”
As long as we allow ourselves to believe that doubts, fears, hurts or our past are much too big to be conquered, we will buy into Satan’s lies that nothing will change.
And then … it happened.
Right there within the confines of my car, abruptly my thoughts and words came to a screeching halt. In that moment, I knew without a doubt where the tormenting had been coming from for 40-plus years.
“You’re not afraid, Pam,” a soft whisper spoke to me.
“That’s right,” I agreed. “I have moved hundreds of miles — several times. I have held the hands of three people while they died. And I have been on the brink of death myself! I am NOT a scared little girl! I am bold and courageous!” I continued with a litany of events in my life that proved I was not fearful.
This student was ready, and the Teacher appeared.
I had been spiritually bitten by the deadliest snake on earth, and the Spirit of God lanced the wound where the snake had bitten. Sucking the poison from the wound, I spewed the venom back at the one who had deceived me for decades. “How dare you … how DARE YOU!! Do you know that God bought the ground you have been slithering on?” I seethed. “Because of the shed blood of Jesus, He has given me authority to cast you out of my life! Now go back to hell where you came from!!”
The master perpetrator of lies that tormented this child for years had been more verbally abusive than any human ever thought to be. How dare he indeed!
The Spirit revealed more, and I lit into the enemy again.
“Do you know why you want me to believe that I’m just a scared little girl? Because you want me to believe the illusion that you are bigger than me. But YOU are afraid of ME! The longer you can keep me in the dark, you believe you have power over me. It’s you who is the coward because you know how much damage I can do to you!” Thrusting a pointed finger into his face I shrieked,” I’m on to you big time, and don’t forget it!!”
Whew! I wonder if David felt the same powerful surge of God coursing through his veins after slaying Goliath. For years I had allowed Satan to be a giant in my life and his lies even larger. That’s his game — deception — appearing as something we can’t conquer, something over which we have no power. He is the embodiment of False Evidence Appearing Real.
But there in my car, the amazing Truth of God became so blindingly brilliant, I could see nothing else. I luxuriated in the freedom. I was a woman released from prison.
“Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” (John 8:32)Make us a part of your daily reading at Breath on Paper.
Pam Weyant recently traded the harsh Midwestern winters for the sunny South. When she is not spending her time as a freelance court reporter, you will find her loving up her adorable cocker spaniel, hiking, traveling, writing creative nonfiction, or working out. Her passion is sharing her story so others can join her in celebrating the freedom found in a redemptive Savior.
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