Basically, F* my life is about times where i(we) would say FML. Relationships(friends,family,significant other)- Studies- Society- Self-confidence. Compared to my other posts, it would be wordier. Be prepared.
This post is actually plagiarised from my own blog [eggsnbaconblog.wordpress.com]. WHY? Because this is actually my favourite post, ever. Even when I have been switching between platforms I have plagiarised it then and I will do it again. Just cause i really really like this post. If you are wondering, this platform is a mixture of dark (F* my life) and light content(travel, food, lifestyle). Just to highlight the highs and lows of (my) life. Sooooo~ now………let us begin the word vomit!
Kevin
So firstly ‘Who is Kevin?‘
Kevin is EGOISTIC, NARCISSISTIC, ANNOYINGLY SMART, ASIAN, ANNOYINGLY SOCIABLE, TOO FRIENDLY, ALL-ROUNDER, BUFF, HARDWORKING, FAMILY ORIENTED, ANNOYING, the list can go on forever. Basically Kevin is sort-of one of a kind, all-rounder good at music, studying, bad at art, thinks that he is perfect (but deep down he is an insecure little boy at the corner scared of life). So i guess, everyone has a friend that is a Kevin. Annoying you because he is an all-rounder (we all have that friend we are jealous about) but you still keep him as your friend cause he is fun to be with.
What happened?
I used to be in a 3year relationship with my best friend (let’s call him Jeffery), we have known each other for about 7 years before we started dating (since the start of secondary school). Everything was really smooth. Even though we are from different ethnicities, we were good together. Our ‘honeymoon’ period lasted for a year and half (roughly). We hardly fought during that time. We knew everything about each other, we were classmates for 5 years, we were in the same band for 7 years. I’ve met his parents, he has sort of met mine(never formally introduced as my boyfriend). We spent loads of time together, i knew his friends and he knew mine. We were good together.
But (there’s always a but), i guess we WERE good together. We were at that point in our lives where we had to start planning the next chapter of our lives. Our relationship started off really well, we were so happy and then life decided to start throwing obstacles at us. I was suffering from severe depression and anxiety and the both of us just didn’t know how to manage it. I would cry and feel sad at random times, mood swings and the never ending tears. I started blaming him, because he was not acting the way i thought that he should be acting. Expecting him to be able to pick me up when i am down and not considering the fact that he had his own problems. Selfish, that was my middle name at that time. At the same time I was considering to go overseas to study and long distance was not an option for me. And so things went downhill from there. Until i went to see a doctor and found out that i had depression and told Jeffery about it did things get slightly better. But at the end we were not able to pull through. He wasn’t able to understand what i was going through. Wasn’t able to put himself in my shoes and i wasn’t able to understand what was happening. Both of us were not able to cope with it and so the relationship turned sour and we ended things on a bad note. Jeffery broke up with me. I guess i became a different person after that, more accommodating to the other person, always trying to please the other person, always trying to be more considerate. Just constantly trying to make sure that the next relationship would work out.
After that I left to New Zealand. But before i left i met someone else (lets call him Dave). Dave and I were complicated. Why? Cause it was a long distance relationship (which was a big no-no for me but we somehow pulled through i guess). I would go back to Singapore during my break and we would have skype calls and messages but it was tiring. This complicated relationship lasted for about a year before it ended. We did not end things on a bad note and Dave would always be special to me.
So after one failed relationship and another, i guess i just got really tired. Putting my trust in someone and feeling like i got betrayed over and over again isn’t really fun. My mind was going crazy, with all the negative thoughts, the self-hate, the self-doubt. The physical heart pain. The feeling of someone grabbing my heart and not letting it go. It was physically painful and truthfully i just wanted it to stop. I wanted to stop crying. Just wanted to stop this pain.
I didn’t cut myself, i didn’t want to worry any of my friends but i had other ways that i used to hurt myself. Piercing my ears and getting tattoos (my tattoos are located at places where it would hurt the most, for example down my spine), by that time i had pierced and re-pierced my ears over 20 times and have 6 tattoos in total. My friends say that i am paying people to hurt me and i guess that it is true. It took me so long before i managed to tell my friends what i had gone through and what i am going through, explaining to them about the tattoos that suddenly started popping out.
And from here on Kevin appeared. Kevin WAS and IS still annoying but the difference is i grew to love him and all his annoying ways. In the beginning all i felt was fear. Fear that Kevin would leave me if he knew what i am (broken on the inside). What i would become (crying my heart out all the time, unexplainable sadness).Fear that Kevin would not be able to love someone like me. It didn’t help that i was anti-social and he was sociable. Surrounded by friends i do not know and being able to make people like him so fast. The fear that i wouldn’t be able to fit in with his friends. All the insecurities. At the same time i would remind myself that if Kevin is sad i have to give him a big bear hug and a kiss (because that is what i would want someone to do for me when i am sad). I ended up doing the things that i (secretly) hope that Kevin would do for me. Making sure that i hide the ‘broken’ side of me from him. Telling myself that it is too early to break down in front of him.
But i eventually did. The waterworks. Unexplainable sadness. Unexplainable tears. You could see it from my face. It affects everything that i do. Thinking that i was having a smile on my face when actually the sadness that i was feeling was mirrored on my face (fail). And you know what Kevin did, he told him that whenever i was feeling sad he would stop whatever he was doing (as long as the assignment was worth less than 20%), come over and we would have ice cream and watch a movie together. 
He really did. He sang songs for me (but Kevin being Kevin started saying that he was the best boyfriend ever at the end of his singing, that huge ego of his). He did whatever he could to try and make me happy. He kept his promise. Everytime the tears start my mind would start “Oh no~ i’m crying, Kevin is going to see. He is going to think that i am a hassle. I have to stop, Stop Elizabeth, Stop”. All the time. Even after knowing that Kevin would keep his promise but you know, you would be wondering how long would it last?
The problem is not being able to believe that the people around me loves me. Kevin would constantly remind me that he loves me and gives me a small peck and after awhile i started believing him. Believing what he was telling me. That i was pretty, that i am loved, that i am not alone. I felt like Chandler in F.R.I.E.N.D.S, in the episode where he was listening to the recording every night (to stop him from smoking), ‘you are a strong confident women’. Kevin being the recording.
To KEEP TRYING, that is what’s important. The moment you stop that’s when they will feel like it’s all over (not being dramatic here). But it is important to keep trying and Kevin did. He hasn’t stop yet. At least i hope that he won’t. It took me so long to finally start believing him and i am glad that i did. Kevin in that sense is special, he kept trying and reminding me that i am loved, that i am not alone. Having Kevin around makes me feel like i’m home, a place where i can be myself, a place where i can be happy and loved.
You must be thinking SO DRAMATIC, but trust me when i say that the pain is real, the sadness is real, the thoughts are real. The thoughts that could swallow you alive are real and that the fact is we can’t get through this by ourselves. Kevin can come in many shapes and forms, he could be your friend (that you just never noticed or met yet), he could be your family member, he could be your significant other. We all would be able to find our Kevins (don’t worry). Like i said Kevin comes in all shapes and sizes, he doesn’t necessarily need to be male or your significant other or that his/her name must be Kevin but that Kevins are the ones that would stay by your side no matter how ‘broken’ you think you are, how ‘unlovable’ you think you are, how ‘damaged’ you think you are. My friends are my Kevins as well (they are Kevins without the major physical love, if you get what i mean). It took me so long to realise that my friends actually loves me. Silly me. My friends helped me so so so much and i don’t think i can ever describe how much gratitude i have for them in words.
I can’t say that its all rainbows and unicorns (we do have our squabbles) but having a Kevin really makes a difference. It just takes time. Give yourself time and a Kevin will show up or maybe a Kevin already did, we just need to believe that not everyone will leave us just because we’re ‘broken or damaged’. 
Kevin is EGOISTIC, NARCISSISTIC, ANNOYINGLY SMART, ASIAN, ANNOYINGLY SOCIABLE, TOO FRIENDLY, ALL-ROUNDER, BUFF, HARDWORKING, FAMILY ORIENTED, ANNOYING and i wouldn’t want him any other way.
Kevin, I love you.
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