I don’t know what it is about me lately, but I have men flying in through the goddamn windows. I really don’t get it. My skin cleared up, sure, and maybe I’ve lost some weight so I look like a sort of skinny bitch. I mean I know I have a dazzling personality, but that’s only if people get my terrible sense of humor and my god awful sarcasm. I don’t know. Maybe I smell different? Whatever.
^^ that night’s outfit
So I walk into my bar. At my regular time. Sit in my regular seat. Ritual.
I say hello to my buddies Sean (barback) and Travis (bartender) and get myself an IPA that’s new on tap. This bar is my religion and I practice it diligently
Not 10 minutes go by before two drunken middle aged white men “stand” next to me and are basically leaning against me, because they are so drunk they can’t actually stand straight and hold their own weight. Let’s call them Roger and Charles. I was annoyed. I was too sober for this. I was only 3 sips into my beer for fucks sake!
I notice that Robert and Charles are both wearing wedding rings, so I felt like I should be on the safe side… So I nudge Robert back, since he is the one who is actually physically touching me, and I nudge him hard. Robert, turns to look at me, half confused, half in shock, completely unsure if he should be pissed. He slurs, “Oh I’m sorry! Am I in YOUR way?” So I look at him and respond dryly, “Actually. Yes you are. I would appreciate it if you would stop invading my space, since you have plenty of room on the other side of you.” He looked at me in awe. He says, “OH. I didn’t realize! I like you! You’re a woman who knows what she wants. I like you,” and he then proceeds to put his arm around me.
I grabbed is clumsy arm as it was beginning to rest on my shoulders and place it back on his lap, and I looked in his glazed over eyes and said, “Ohhhh Robert, I did not like that. I did not like that at all. If you and I are going to coexist in this bar, I need you to never, EVER touch me again.” His old face wrinkled at what must have been an incredulous statement for him to comprehend, and after a moment said, “I like you. You know what you want. You female. You know. I like you.”
And then Charles chimes in.
Charles wasn’t too happy with my response. He said something along the lines of, “ARE YOU SERIOUS? HE JUST WANTS TO HUG YOU. WHAT’S THE PROBLEM.” Poor Charles. He was all red and flustered. It looked like he could tip over at any moment. I looked at his reddened face, into his bloodshot eyes and said, “Excuse me?…. Number one, I said I didn’t want to be touched because I don’t want to be touched. It’s simple. Don’t fucking touch me. Number two, if you don’t fucking like it- leave.” Charles expression was completely perplexed and he had no words, so he let his body tremble and stumbled away. Perfect, I thought.
As our dear Charles stumbled away, a blonde woman slithered in. Blonde Chick was a friend of both Charles and Robert. She took Charles’ place and asked Robert, while eying me, “What was up with that?” Robert just shrugged his shoulders and took a sip of his Old Fashion. Blonde Chick then proceeded to ask Robert about who I was, and I saw that as my cue to continue to mind my own business… and then Charles stumbled back.
Charles, snuck up from behind and put his arm around me and brought his face very close to mine. My reaction was to push him away and say, “YO MAN. Whatthefuck, what did I just tell you about not fucking touching me.” At this point, Travis, my bartender buddy looks at me and mouths, “Are you okay?” to which I mouth, “NO.” Travis gave me a thumbs up and says, I’ll go get their wives. Yes please, I thought.
Charles, meanwhile, continued to ramble in his drunken stupor: “You know I like you too. But I need to call you out. I need to call you out because that’s bullshit.” I look at him, with blatant hatred, not hiding my irritation, roll my eyes and say, “Oh really Charles? Please, enlighten me.” Charles, can’t even speak English or conjugate words at this point, but he drools out, “I need to call you out because, because you’re beautiful and it’s bullshit and I’m in love with you.” And of course, his wife hears this, waits for him to finish his drunken declaration, and punches him in the back. Hard. Mrs. Charles was very upset and also very drunk. She opens with, “WHO THE FUCK IS THIS?” I calmly shift my body to the other direction and continue to drink my beer silently, half worried that Mrs. Charles will think that I trying to flirt with her husband. Mrs. Charles ripped her hubby a brand new asshole. Both were taken outside.
And right on cue, Mrs. Robert appears on the scene, but obviously right at Robert turns to talk to me to ask me what happened with Charles. I make like I didn’t hear him and just sit and listen.
Things escalated quickly. Mrs. Robert sees Blonde Chick and Robert sitting together and immediately poses a very similar question to Mrs. Charles, “WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?” Blonde Chick responds quickly, out of blatant fear, “I, I don’t know. He was talking to her” and points at me. Fuck no she didn’t, I think.
Mrs. Robert turns and looks at me and I quickly turn to look at her and say, “Hey, I’ve just been sitting here minding my own business- ” She cuts me off and says, “I’m not worried about you,” and shifts her focus on her friend, Blonde Chick.
The gist? Mrs. Robert accused Blonde Chick of having or trying to have an affair with her husband. When Robert tried to speak up, Mrs. Robert told him to shut up and go outside, and he did. Mrs. Robert and Blonde Chick hashed it out for 20 minutes and then finally had to be escorted out with the rest of their group because they were all belligerently wasted.
I WISH MY STORY ENDED THERE BUT IT DOESN’T.
This whole time that my Robert and Charles situation is unfolding, there is a “couple” watching me and this whole thing play out. They were highly entertained, but kept exchanging glances with me that read, “I feel so bad for you.” The guy was really cute though, I must admit.
He must have heard me fucking think it, because the moment the shit show next to me dissipated, he waltzed on over. His opening line? “I saw all that go down. I thought about coming to help you, but you seemed to be okay.” Pendejo, you thought about it?? Gee wiz, thanks. I smiled at him trying not to express my complete loss of respect for him. I looked at Travis and his expression read, “You’re joking. You poor thing.” My not knight in shining armor then YES, PROCEEDED TO HIT ON ME AND TRIED TO BUY ME A DRINK. I quickly declined, so he left. Surprised, might I add. Travis just looked at me and laughed, mocking this guy, “LOL yeah I just watched you get hit on by two idiots, my turn.”
I apparently looked too approachable and like “opportunity” because
THE STORY STILL DOESN’T END HERE.
Not five minutes go past, before the next lunatic has a go at me.
This 40 year old man, with long dark Jesus hair, who is clearly balding because his hair line is past the point of receding, sits next to me. He shifts his body and rests his chin on his propped up hand and proceeds to stare at me for about 10 minutes straight. He did not break his stare for one moment. Travis and Sean both notice this. We all just looked at each other like here we go again.
Finally, I turn my head and unfortunately make eye contact with the creep and he sees that as an invitation for conversation.
His opening line? “So, what are you?”
That is by far my least favorite question of all time. Nothing pisses me off more than this question. I am only ever asked by men and it’s always when they’re trying to hit on me. And being that I had already been through quite the night already, I was in no mood to answer stupid questions by fucking perverts. So I defensively asked, “WHY?” Creeper did not like me answering his stupid question with another question.
Long story short I expressed how he was pissing me off and that he should leave me alone. Then Sean took him outside and told him to leave me alone. Creeper then came back and sat down next to me, pouting.
I forget what or how exactly he got himself escorted out… I think Travis was also fed up with watching me suffer through another unpleasant male interaction that he asked the bouncer to kick him out. When that happened, Sean went outside too. Creeper was resisting at every moment and then told Sean that I was actually the one “being a creeper.” Marco was outside when this was happening as well and he chimed in, and at some point Creeper tried to fight Marco. So now he’s blacklisted. Too bad.
Okay. NOW my story is over.
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