This reminds me of my experience trying to leave social services and start a career in architecture.
The Queen of Wands represents really perfectly the way I felt in the year I spent ending my old life and beginning the new, applying for schools: I was energized, excited, full of hope and even had a sense that it was all “meant to be”. All the stars were lining up: doors opening, timing for things seemed perfect, I was developing mad skills at things I’d never done before. And the Page of Pentacles really represents the way I felt once I got to architecture school: still excited, but now really buckling down, taking it seriously, working hard and challenging myself every day.
Despite all of this, I was not able to finish. In my fifth term I had a breakdown, a real one… fortunately I had a solid understanding of mental health crises, and I recognized that I was in trouble. In the end I came home, tail between my legs, feeling very much like that Five of Cups.
The Five is often drawn with three cups knocked over and empty, and two still full… though the fellow in the card doesn’t pay attention to the full ones, he’s too focused on what he’s lost. This Five is interesting, in that all the cups are full. What is this character disappointed about? What’s happened?
Well she’s got the hardworking Page on her left, she’s got the super charismatic Queen on her right… I don’t know if she’s feeling that others are judging her against the other two, or if the judgement is all coming from herself, but either way I get the sense the disappointment is in herself, and it’s got little to do with her real worth, and more to do with comparing herself to others. don’t forget the court cards often represent real people.
These comparisons we make, often stop us from realizing: we actually are just as dynamic as the people we’re so envious of. We can do all the same things, it’s only the heaviness coming from shame that prevents us. So I think that’s the take-home message from today’s reading: look up, look around you, and be as awesome as everyone around you. You already are, you just need to do it, to know it.
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