Image: foreverconscious.com
Dear Isom88n,
Diaries, journals, blogs… I’ve dipped in and wrestled with each and all. Blog-wise though, the last blog I wrote was 7 years ago. I had a blog running from 2007-2008 that was by far my most unfiltered, my most raw, my most mean. And really, no apologies, I and anyone else for that matter should be going as far as I/we see fit when I/we write. However, Isom88n, I deleted it, since it had the unwavering potential to harm the feelings of loved ones around me. Quickly after deleting it, I created a new blog which chronicled what would be my (unbeknownst to me) final year as a failing student at the University of Ottawa, ultimately dropping out in the Spring/Summer of 2010.
You see, Isom88n, since it was the ending of a pivotal era, it was a truly petrifying time for me. I was severely depressed, I was at the peak of my addiction to substances, I was still in the closet to my immediate family, and I was also spiritually and creatively blocked. My personal outlook for the future at that time looked so terribly dark, perfect recipe for self destruction. Suicide even. When I returned home that May, I decided I’d start a new blog to chronicle this transitionary point of my life which, without any other choice really, I quickly surrendered to.
I went from a university drop-out to someone quickly finding ways to start a career… later that year I embarked on a fun course in interior decorating, and this is the first and last blog post I ever wrote back in October 2nd, 2010:
I’m a promiscuous blogger! Since 2000-God knows when I’ve been blogging, but never on the same blog – I seem to always give one up and start a new one, repetitively.
I used to be a history major and when you make a choice like that in life you really learn the meaning of the phrase “history repeats itself” on many levels, especially when you went through the shit that I’ve been through. It’s amazing how many changes God can write into your life for you within the span of a year. It’s exciting to see what will come in the future, so I begin this blog now in the biggest transitional phase of my life. Student – Career-oriented Individual. The term ‘student’ has been attached to me since I entered Pre-K, and soon it comes to an end (though it practically ended previously). So let it roll!
In that entry, you can see the immense happiness I felt to finally rid myself of the student identity. I was so sure I’d never enrol into a school as a full time student ever again. It was a silly little happiness I was experiencing, even in the midst of an ongoing existential crisis and battle with depression. At that time, something like that made me feel like I was becoming free, despite the overly obvious fact that I was stuck in an environment I didn’t want to return to.
Well, as I quote myself again: “It’s amazing how many changes God can write into your life for you…” I find myself becoming a full time student once again. Almost 10 years later after my first journey into the world of university/college in 2007, here I am in 2017, accepted into colleges, applying for a student visa, embarking on it once again. This time it’s different, this time, it’s wonderful, this time, IT’S ART!
So that will be what this blog is about, Isom88n, how what I learned in the last 7 years since dropping out and being in a rock bottom brought me to this present point. How I will be repeating and correcting what I intended to do 10 years ago, except this time, I do it with more wisdom, more joy, more grace, and more love. It won’t be flawless, but it will be fabulous!
So be it…
Love,
M88N
