At the church I’ve been attending, every Sunday someone comes at the beginning of the service and gives their testimony. The last time I told my testimony was when I was in Bible college, so I thought it might be good ti visit it again since I haven’t mentioned it at all on the blog.
Growing up, I didn’t really know what love was, my parents worked all the time and no one really spent time together at home. I had major anxiety but we didn’t know that at the time. My dad was very emotionally and verbally abuse and manipulative, my mom suffers from depression and didn’t talk with us much about anything. My brother constantly wanted to hug on me and I didn’t want anyone to touch me.
I found out that the man who was raising me adopted me and that my biological dad was another man. I had and still have no interest in knowing him. I think a lot of me hurt because my parents had chosen not to mention this to me at all. I fell into a kind of depression based off my anxiety. I did everything I could to impress my parents and when that didn’t work, I stopped caring. I stopped trying to be the good daughter and did what I wanted.
I got into bad relationships, I isolated myself, I gained a lot of weight from not exercising or eating right. I snuck out of the house and did a bunch of things Im not super proud of. My junior year of high school I started dating a guy who went to church. He took me to youth group and there I began to feel safe, I felt like I could trust someone and that was something I hadn’t felt in a long time. The youth leader took me under his wing and listened to me and just spread the love of God into my heart.
One night, it just clicked, suddenly something in me knew, this God, this Jesus that they all talk about, He is real. I gave my life to God and got baptized. I went to Bible college after high school still carrying the weight of my anxiety on my life. One day, I was reading my paper to my English professor who told me I could have an A if I just fixed a few things. He looked at me and said “I just told you that you could have an A if you fixed a few things and you still look like a deer in headlights” I proceeded to tell him that I just got nervous with people.
My hands got sweaty and I sweated a lot under my arms, I would say no to going out or hanging out with people even if I wanted to. He just sat and patiently listened as I explained everything I felt whenever I interacted with others. He then gave me a few suggestions and one of those was to talk to a doctor. This professor, I found out had whats called “Generalized Anxiety” something i had never heard of. Soon I found myself at a doctors office with papers and a man asking me about medications.
Turns out I have whats called “Social Anxiety” essentially, I have a chemical imbalance that tells my brain that I have to stay on alert because everyone around me wants to hurt me. I began the journey of learning how to better control my anxiety, and while I won’t ever be able to fully control it I have come a long way. Learning about that helped me to focus more and I grew more in every area of my life, I even joined a sports team.
God has brought me so far since I gave myself life to him, I am so much happier than I used to be. Before I knew Him, I never wanted to leave the house, I avoided social situations, I hated myself. God took me out of that, and brought me into a life of joy! He brought me into good relationships, I gained best friends, and confidence in who I am. Im married now, Ive been with my husband for almost six years and coming on our third years of marriage. I have two babies, a toddler boy and a newborn girl.
I have a bachelors of science degree in music and worship, I write, I have this blog, I sing at church and I actually go out and spend time with other people. While my anxiety still prohibits me in certain ways, the Lord has definitely helped me to be better than I was. He is my strength, because of Him, i am able to leave the house, because of Him I am able to be a mother, because of Him I am free and full of joy! Not every season is perfect but, theres a lesson and in the end it is so worth it.
This is my testimony, some details are missing and some are too personal to put on the internet but heres what I hope you’ll see. The joy of the Lord, is something so amazing and wonderful that it turns your whole world upside down. God loves you more than you know. He is the constant one that will never leave you, He will never say that you are a mistake, He will never hurt you.
The Lord has changed my life, I will never be the same. I can’t be.
Much love,
M
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