Full disclosure: this post is probably going to feel like it’s all over the place. But that’s where my mind is tonight. I’m sorry if I give you whiplash.
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I find it so hard to trust people. I think it’s because people (most of which were family members) constantly fall short of even my minimal expectations. Call me crazy but I tend to expect people to be honest, trust-worthy and to do what they say they are going to. I’m a glass have empty kind of girl because I have rarely found those people.
Of course there has been some amazing people in my life over the years, but it takes a long time for me let those people in. I want to, but I have built some pretty big walls around me and my kids to make sure that if those people want to get through, they are going to have to work for it. I don’t just let them in all willy-nilly.
We took Avery to her kindergarten orientation tonight. I was less than happy to be there. Let me be clear: it is not because anything that the school has done. I know so many of the families that send their kids there and are teachers or are on the board. I went to school (elementary, middle and high school) with a ton of them. They are good people. I have known some of the board members and teachers my ENTIRE life. Some of them taught me or Jimmy (or both). They have shown us nothing but kindness and are GREAT people.
Why can’t these moments last forever?
The issue is me. I have an extremely hard time letting people into my life, which seems crazy because I’m sharing all this with the internet and strangers I have never met (but somehow feel close to). Those walls I was talking about, they are TALL and WIDE. I have been bruised by people that I trusted to lead my child and my family in good direction. I know I shouldn’t make all people stand to this example. I’m seriously working on it. Every. Single. Day. I try not to expect the worst of people. I try to think of the people I meet as good and believe that they are only interested in adding value to our lives. Since this has not always been the case in the past, I’m a work in progress.
At one point, they were introducing the staff of the school. I was struggling and I kept thinking, “is this the right decision? What if this is the wrong choice?” I’m literally having this pep talk with myself while we’re sitting there. My very next thought was, “seriously, you just need to calm down. You just need to relax. You know these people. Literally, for years.”
Seriously, part of it is probably because I am FREAKING OUT that Avie is about to be in kindergarten. I mean, when did this happen???? When did my sweet 9lb baby turn into some kid that is big enough to go to kindergarten? This is madness.
Also, this is my last baby to go to kindergarten (I’m starting to feel like that word is profanity). That’s a hard pill to swallow. Then as we’re walking in, Noah – who still wants to be homeschooled – says, “wow, I’m kinda sad that she will be gone so much.”
Whoa, I almost threw up. Like in my mouth. Gross, I know. But Noah is struggling with his baby sister going to school too. At least it’s not just me.
Have you seen this video? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RmsZyVi77vk
I’m pretty sure this is going to be me next week.
This is still the face that I see when I look at her. She will always be this little tiny person no matter how old she gets.
I’m trying not to be a complete lunatic (more than usual) but it’s not looking good. I need this whole growing up thing to stop… like, yesterday. Before this whole kindergarten stuff was upon us.
I have been up all night contemplating all this, so I’m going to try to go to sleep now so maybe tomorrow, the crazy will calm down. Here’s to hoping!
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