Love. The reason I dislike that word is that it means too much for me, far more than you can understand.

Anna Karenina – Leo Tolstoy 

I have been procrastinating this long to write this part because it is the hardest and it still hurts like hell. I still cringe at all that I discovered, I still feel like breaking something, (Ben’s head maybe) whenever I recall his numerous lies, his deceits, the shame of it still threatens to suffocate me. But I will trudge on and hope to finish what I started.

Ben was off to work as early as 6 AM on the morning I was to leave his place. He came in for breakfast around 8 AM and we ate together after which he left again while I waited for the boat that will take me to town for my departure. Fortunately and unfortunately for both of us, depending on how you view it, he forgot his phone in his haste to resume duty. As I saw that phone lying on that table, it was as if I was being pulled towards it. I had never nursed the idea of checking his phone before then, so it was not as if I saw it as a long awaited opportunity. Without doubts or second thoughts, I just picked the phone and straight I went to his Facebook messenger and afterwards, his Whatsapp, where I met my waterloo. 

I did not even have to go far, I mean, it was everywhere, in most of the messages I went through in that 30 minutes or thereabouts. There were all kinds of messages depicting who he is – a chronic womanizer! Messages to various ladies, the ones he had slept with and they discuss the sexual escapades and how to meet for more, the ones he was wooing, telling them how sexy and beautiful they are and inviting them to his apartment at his workplace where I was, the ones he was inviting to his place in the village, or in the city where he resides. (This is a guy that hardly ever tells me I look good or give compliments to me except if it has to do with my intelligence or job well done) 

There are the hundreds of other ladies that he was sending friend requests to, some accepted, some yet to accept. Then of course, there was the lady I once confronted him about, I saw details of their affair too. 

He contracts his friends, colleagues, and relatives, male and female, to help him organize babes. Most of them already knew his specs, I learnt he prefers them tall and curvy, but can fuck any available cunt, any day, any time, irrespective of structure. 

I had information overload in those 30 minutes than I ever had before. You might want to ask me how I was blind to all that. I ask myself same question, how is it that as sensitive as I am, I never caught on? How could I have been so stupidly blind and trusting? How could I have loved and trusted someone like that for such a long time? That hurts! His sister that was my roommate in school swears to me up till today that Ben does not womanize, even though women tend to disturb him. Lolz, he blinded us with his goodness, with his courage and care and magnanimity. I was a sucker for his good side and failed to see the bad side. I have only myself to blame. He showed me what I wanted to see.

You can blame me all you like for invading his privacy; I’d do it over and over again if it is the only way I get to see clearly. I would have still been playing the fool, he would still have been playing me for the fool had I not invaded his fucking privacy. I am glad I did, I have no regrets or remorse whatsoever.

How did I handle the information overload with him? Did I confront him with the facts or did I sweep it under the carpet? Did I walk away or did I try to salvage the relationship?

The next episode will satisfy our curiosity.  


Mending My Broken Heart 3

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