I struggled too long to bring my feelings on paper or at least on a screen. I wasn’t able to write down the letters and words which were stucked in my head. And to be honest I was quite busy with rebuild an almost normal life, but here I am, I’m back. (evil laugh)
So let’s start in June:
Everything but normal…..
I left on the 11th of June, my parents brought me to the train station in my home town, and I felt the pain of a new farewell gaining in my stomach. It was quite hard to say goodbye after the time at home, living with my parents and many nice evenings with family and friends, but I had a new goal, and nothing can stop me as soon as I’ve made a decision. I stepped into the train which brought me to Zurich where I took the TGV to Paris. Taking the train and ferry to Ireland seems like a quite stupid idea, a long journey for such a short distance. I told everyone the way I travelled to Ireland was the cheaper one, but if I’m honest I decided to do it on this way because I was so sick and tired of flying, and it seemed like a perfect adventure.
I arrived in Paris quite fast, eventually I had time to read a book which I got as a gift. The Zahir from Paulo Coelho, and even though I heard a lot of bad critic I loved this book. Maybe because I saw some similarities in the life of the main character and myself.
The TGV arrived in the Gare de lion which meant I had to take a taxi to the Gare de norde, I recognized many places in Paris from a trip with my ex many years ago and daydreamed about the past while driving through the sultry capital city.
Eurostar to London:
The security check for the train to London was quite crazy and took it’s time, but I guess it’s understandable after what happened the last few months in London and Paris. Nervousness and anxious feelings started to gain strength because of this high security and the past events. The waiting area was humid, stuffy and filled with loud and crying kids. (Do I really want one of them??)
Driving to London with the Eurostar wasn’t that exciting as I expected. A not that smart person tried to smoke in the train short before we entered the tunnel and the smoke alarm went off, let’s be honest my heartbeat was one moment on 180, so we stopped a few 100 meters before the entrance and left as soon as the security checked everything. Et voila, welcome to the UK.
Stay alive (Jose Gonzales)
I was wrecked after that long journey and went directly to the booked Hotel. As soon as I entered the hotel room I could feel a cold loneliness reaching my heart… I hadn’t had a proper chat during the day with another person. Was it a mistake to leave so soon? I’m not a brave person, I was always afraid of being alone.
A destructive wave of anxiety hit me, caused of my anxiety disorder. I knew I would feel that way when I left, but it was like an explosion in my body. The air suddenly felt not enough, the room too small, the music to depressive, the voices next door like a threat. My whole body hurt, my head filled with worrying. It felt like the force about myself was taken away from me, as externally controlled something happened and I was left there as a shadow of my own. An inner destruction was suddenly the master of movements and actions.
Knowledge is the key: I sat there, crying, and in the middle of an anxiety attack. Luckily, I was well prepared, could change my thought a bit with music and relaxation.
I reminded myself to a chat I had with my auntie. About the meaning of life. She opened my eyes a bit. I tried to explain her why I couldn’t stay in Switzerland and why I felt like I had to keep on moving. I just hadn’t had a reason to stay. Even though I’ve experienced many good moments in New Zealand, many moments which taught me something for life, where I felt ok with myself and the world, but I’ve never had a reason, I haven’t had a reason to keep on doing something. Even though this total freedom was an amazing feeling, to be able to decide from moment to the other where to go and what to do next, a live without a goal or a reason is unchallenging and in the end it doesn’t give you that much satisfaction.
It’s good to have goals and to develop yourself, to step up in your career and make experiences, but is it worth that much if you can’t share it with someone you love? Isn’t love the one thing what keeps us alive, keeps us motivated to try it again and harder when we fail? I mean I love my parents, my brothers and my Siss and it’s sometimes tough not to be able to share my achievements on a face to face way with them. Isn’t life easier when you have someone to rely on and to get a hug if you need one. I assume I grew into a quite independent person the last two year but there are some moments where I wish I had someone who I could share some uncertainties or difficulties with.
I suppose this chat with my aunty has risen my belief in the true love again and has strengthen my belief in the reasons.
Keep your head up (Ben Howard)
Walking through London with 2 pieces of huge and heavy luggage was a nightmare. I had bruises all over my body after it. The ground isn’t made for these small wheels and it’s unbelievable how many people are around. My passive aggressive vein pulsed higher and higher in the rhythm of the wheels on the plaster. A way of usually 10 min took me 40 min. Luckily, I’m Swiss and always well prepared and too early.
The train took me 3h hours west trough the English land to Holyhead where I took the ferry to Ireland.
Once more I was happy about my small number of belongings.
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Many people think they’d be happier with a lot of expensive things, belongings, possessions. Isn’t materialism just an illusion from the new world? Aren’t we just slaves from the sheen of luxury. Degraded to the names, brands and the amounts of zeros on our bank accounts? Couldn’t life be easier with less things? But more space? Experiences instead of buying. With helping others instead of collection and live an egoistic and narrowminded life? Can we perhaps survive even though we don’t owe the newest Iphone….
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IRELAND, eventually I arrived in Ireland. For the first time in my life. As I sat down in the train to Cork the deep depression whole from the day before disappeared and let excitement to take over, replaced by a feeling of wondering and hope.
Single fighter mood on (Wonderful Life – Hundreds)
I’ve started a new job for Airbnb, Customer service. I lived in a shared flat where people regularly changed, I’ve dated many weird guys to keep myself busy. I met many nice colleagues, had nice evenings and enjoyed the Irish summer. Which wasn’t that bad, I got a sun burn once…
