Fire

One night talking to this girl I didn’t really know in the kitchen. I’ve forgotten her name, she has quite a funny accent, and she’s bloody beautiful.

“I wanna go but i finish work late and i don’t know if im going to feel up to it. And i mean everyone’s leaving before then anyway,” she says to me.
“I’ll wait for you,” I blurt out, uncertain on why I offered. (Okay she was actually a stunner, I’ll admit…maybe that factored into it.)
“Will you really?” she asks, something that might be gratitud shining in her eyes.
“Yeah, of course,” I respond easily, thinking to myself, what’s the worst that could happen?

We all know what i was thinking. I’d have to get to the club a little bit late, and seperate to the rest of the group but i get to go with this sexy little South African girl i didn’t know, who the hell would say no to that? And of course I’d heard some stories, and it sounded like she liked to party, I wanted to find out too.

I was pretty happy that she was going to go with me, even though I knew that she would have been happy to go with anyone, or by herself. But if the opportunity presents itself like this, there’s no way you can resist reaching out and grabbing it with both hands. But I really had no idea what i was doing. I didn’t care, I just wanted to go with someone who was going with me, and not as part of a group. I still didn’t quite feel like i had anyone i was super close to at the hostel, which is a shame because everyone was so friendly and welcoming; but i’d missed so much bonding time while i was dogsitting that i felt just that little bit extra outside the group. And to make things worse, I was still a little bit down after coming back from such an amazing holiday the month previous.

We were technically celebrating a birthday, though of course we use any excuse to get extremely drunk and dance like maniacs. There was quite a few of us going from the hostel, though they all left way before I did, and managed to get in much earlier.
I had a few too many drinks because to be honest, I was super nervous. I basically knew nothing about this girl except she worked at winter wonderland and she was South African. (They’re scary right? Just kidding of course! Everyone one of you that I’ve met so far have been amazing.) And when this girl came out dressed up i swear my eyes nearly popped out of my skull. Her hair was let down for the first time that I’d seen, the wavey brunette locks nearly impossibly dense. Shiny black leather jacket, tight ass (literally) pale blue jeans and a stunning pair of black heeled boots. Surely that couldn’t be the girl i was going with? She was absolutely gorgeous… My heart, already under the pump from nerves, began hammering away in my chest. When Dim arrived from wherever he’d been and said he was going to go with us, I was secretly relieved, I had no idea if i’d be able to function… and I didn’t know if this girl and I would even get along that well.

We made it down to Vauxhall pretty quickly, and found an enormous line-up under an old railway bridge. Unfortunately for me when he saw the line for the club Dim decided it was too long and promptly turned around and went back home. I was nearly tempted to do the same but i’d already committed myself this far, why give up now? You lose 100% of the chances you don’t take. Unsurprisingly, it turned out that we both desperately needed to piss… obviously from the copious amounts of alcohol we’d had, but you don’t have bathrooms in club lines. Because of this, the queue felt like it took forever. Whilst the pain in my stomach was excruciating, at the same time it absolutely flew by, because I realised I was actually having a great time with this slightly strange girl.

Turns out that she’s actually pretty cool, and I think standing in the freezing queue, under a railway overpass, holding in the biggest, most painful piss ever, I began to see it.
She whips out her phone and starts videoing for snapchat; “Do something cool!” she yells at me. What the fuck? What would I know about being cool? Barely two months ago I’d be spending most of nights playing computer games in the basement… So I did what came naturally and gave the camera the double barrelled middle finger. I think I handled that reasonably well…

A bit further along the queue, a security guard in the queue comes up to us? Well he saw that she was South African on her ID and he goes, “Dance like an African!” As though she can dance like the whole gigantic continent, but hey it was actually really funny. In the middle of a bit of us sharing some most definitely witty banter in the line, I have this really vivid memory of us standing there, and her just cocking her head slightly and staring at me, eyes slightly narrowed. She pops out with, “You’re like the boy next door, aren’t you James?” How do you even respond to that? What does it even mean? Most importantly, does this mean we aren’t going to kiss? If I was nervous before now I was nervous and confused…

Having said that, I’ll be the first to admit it was quite nice to have a stunner all to yourself and actually get along quite well, and theres no way that i wanted to reach the front of the queue and to have our time ended at all. Which is hilarious because any longer in the line and i may have passed out, or had a burst bladder or something else suitably dramatic. Eventually we make it to the security guard checking names and he checks her off the list. He doesn’t even ask for my name, he just goes, “Are you with her?” Inside my head I go ,”I wish” but I just say out loud “yeah man haha.” He just nods and I get passed in behind her. I have to hold in the laugh that threatens to break free and unleash my bladder, it feels both hilarious and hardly real that some people might think I’m with this girl!

We get in and I take one of the best pisses of my life. What a huge relief that I didn’t piss myself, because it truly felt like I could have. Long and gross and all I could think about was what i was going to do now? But of course it was time now to find everyone else! But even though did find end up finding the others we also ended up spending most of the night dancing by ourselves around various areas of this club, Fire, that i found myself in. Imagine drums with live hip-hop artists performing at most of the stages whilst sweaty ravers bounce wildly around the bright flashing strobe lights. I spent most of the night carrying that amazing leather jacket that I was so in love with around, tied around my waist. She had handed it to me so that she could dance around like a maniac, there was no way I was going to do anything that may even possibly upset this girl. At the same time, I told myself I was being some sort of stupid club boyfriend, and i didn’t even know what would happen with this girl?

In the midst of the night, she looks to me mid-dance and goes, “Do you want a drink?”
“No, thanks.” I yell back. I was already drunk enough to enjoy myself and I definitely did not want to do shots, especially not vodka. She turns around and orders three whole shots of vodka. I’m about to tap her on the shoulder and tell her that I said I didn’t want any but she promptly picks them up one by one and downs the lot. I’m a little bit gobsmacked to be honest – equal parts disgusted and impressed. Next thing I know she is leaping up on to the stage and starts dancing next to the DJ. Those bright hypnotising lights flashed so quickly whilst she twisted and turned up there for the whole world to see – but she didn’t care about any of that. In that moment it was just her and the music. It pulsed through me and I stood there soaking it all up. I think this was the first moment I realised that I wanted this girl, and how could you not!? But just like that the moment was over – she leapt down into my arms, covered in a pale sheen of sweat – and led me off deeper into the club.

I don’t know how long we danced for but it certainly didn’t feel like long enough. Eventually we went searching for a durry before we could leave – she was fiending for a menthol. We wound up finding most of our group out in the smoking area. I’d seen a few of them on a few different occasions during the night but who knew where the rest of them were. And besides, I only had eyes for one person the whole night, I hardly cared where anyone else was. She confidently strides up to this gigantic African guy and sweetly asks him if she can bum a menthol off of him. Of course he obliges, I don’t think anyone would say no to a girl like that at any time of the night, let alone at 2am.

Unfortunately for me, in my (admittedly limited) experience of clubbing with girls, if you haven’t hooked up before you leave the club, it probably isn’t gonna happen. I was totally resigned to the rest of the night being a disappointment, but on the tube ride home she snuggled up and got so close… and nearly fall asleep as she lay on me. I sat there quietly, staring out of the dark tube window deep in thought, with this beautiful foreign girl asleep on me whilst all around us the night tube screamed, danced and laughed in a jarring chorus.

I was just thinking over and over in my head “oh my god she’s so attractive what do I do now?” I’d had a fun night, but it was a shame that nothing happened between us. I’d accepted that she wasn’t interested in me, but of course I still held out hope. Unfortunately for both of us however, I was confident enough in myself to attempt to kiss her on the short walk home from the Queensway tube station. I thought I had nothing to lose anyway so why not? I lean in outside the hotel next door, head for the kiss, and she turns away as I kiss her teeth; saying “Nooooo,”softly.

Well shit, that’s embarrassing. So much for that plan then. We stumble inside the hostel and I’m disappointedly about to go down to bed when she pulls me in to the lounge to lay next to her. What the hell is she doing? If she doesn’t want to kiss I have no idea what she wants now. Already confused, this just makes it even more confusing. I just lay there awkwardly next to her on my back, unsure what she wants from me. She sighs exasperatedly and she pulls me closer, grabbing one of my hands and holding it tight to one of her breasts.

I won’t say it made the whole night worth it, but who doesn’t love sleeping next to someone that attractive for the whole world to see? I slept snug next to her like that for a few hours with the rest of the party animals who dragged themselves home in dribs and drabs before dawn. I had to do breakfast that morning so I dragged myself up just before 8am like a very confused, hungover zombie.

What did it mean? What made her not want to kiss me, but want to be held while she slept? It didn’t make any sense. In what was to become a recurring theme in our developing relationship, I didn’t understand.

That was the problem though wasn’t it. No one understood. That was why we couldn’t kiss, and why she couldn’t be alone.

But I wanted to understand, if only she’d let me.

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