excerpt from the ya novel, “Eliza and Her Monsters” by Francesca Zappia
(This was supposedly up on my birthday. Oh well.)
This time last year i woke up crying.
As soon as I opened my eyes, my eyes automatically teared up.
More than two weeks before that I lost it, (October 15, 2016 I would never forget that) I was fighting with my mom with something and the fight led to another until I told them that I’m in a bad place again. I sobbed and sobbed and let out some of my burden.
“Do you know why am I like this?!” I wasn’t angry. I was frustrated. My voice was still firm yet my tears won’t stop falling.
My mom beside me asked me why.
“Because I’m depressed.”
That’s it. I blurted it out. But I still couldn’t shake the empty hollow feeling in my chest.
“I’m just so sad. I’m always sad. I don’t know why. That’s why I still couldn’t finish college. I can’t concentrate. I don’t have any motivation to do the things I used to do. I couldn’t enjoy things anymore. But I’m still trying so hard but there are still some mornings that I wished that i didn’t woke up. I’m so ashamed that I ended up like this that I used to be an achiever but now I don’t know what happened. I don’t have the confidence anymore. I’m doing the things with all my best but it’s still wasn’t enough. I’m always sad.”
It hurts.
“Were there some instances that you want to kill yourself?” my mom asked. She was crying too.
The way those words escaped my mother’s mouth, it made me flinched. The way it came out in verbal form with such harshness took me by surprised. I couldn’t answer. I can’t form the words to answer her. I just couldn’t stop crying.
It took me a minute to nod and with a shivering and whisper-like voice I said, “Yes, sometimes.”
“Were you not thinking of us, your family?” she asked.
“That’s the reason why I wouldn’t do it. If it just me, I won’t hesitate but I’m still thinking of you and that’s why it’s so hard.”
And that’s the reason why I woke up crying two weeks later on the morning of my birthday.
My mom went to my room that morning and greeted me “happy birthday”. She also hugged and kissed me. My younger brother hugged me too. My tears flooded my blanket.
Waking up on your birthday and you’re still sad? I guess you can’t blame me.
2017. Back to the present.
More than two weeks ago, I watched a local tv noontime show and they’re running their special movie-like drama. All throughout the story, it’s all about depression.
The main girl was showing the signs of a crippling depression. It was because of the problems she’s experiencing that time. She wouldn’t get out of bed even though it’s noon already. She was always angry while talking to her parents and colleagues. She isolated herself. She wouldn’t talk to anyone. She can’t stop crying all day. There’s a scene where she was about to knock on her parent’s bedroom but decided not to. Maybe she wanted to talk to them but decided at the last minute not to bother them with her personal issues. There was also a scene where she just walked to her parent’s bedroom at the middle of the night while they were sleeping and just stared at them with teary eyes. She also told her boyfriend that she doesn’t deserve him because she’s now worthless and not her old self anymore. That she doesn’t know herself anymore and wondering why every time she woke up she felt like dying.
Those scenes hits too close to home. I’m trying not to cry while watching it but I just couldn’t. They depicted depression so accurately. Those scenes reminded me of myself back on 2012. I remember lying on bed all day with a blanket on just sleeping or crying. I remember not talking to anyone else who’s contacted me. I remember walking on my parent’s bedroom at 2 in the morning and staring at them while trying not to sob. For two weeks straight I was like that. I couldn’t go outside our house without choking up my tears. For two weeks straight I couldn’t stop crying. For two weeks I woke up crying. For two weeks I go to bed crying. I wouldn’t sleep until sometime 5 in the morning. I felt so worthless and confused. I felt like dying.
Back to the show, the main girl finally talked to a psychiatrist.
The psychiatrist asked her, “Are you sad?”
And the girl just cried and cried and I couldn’t help but cried too. It’s too realistic. How they’ve portrayed the situation. The psychiatrist talked to the parents too and told them the things about depression. And she said these next words that surprised me.
“If the sadness lasted for two weeks that’s depression.” I was so floored. Why? Because I suddenly remembered my blog posts at that time. (I wrote on those blog posts that I didn’t go out and go to uni for two weeks, I was crying for two weeks etc. etc.)
the distorted screenshot of those blog posts
Those two weeks were hell and I wouldn’t want to experience that again.
The parents asked her too why their daughter wouldn’t talk about it on them and she said because she wanted to fight it herself. When you’re in depression you felt like you don’t mean a thing in this world.
And no words could describe how awful was that.
Ninth of November 2017 came and I woke up fine.
I woke up and it’s raining and it’s honestly a mood.
My whole day was a ride and here are the life lessons I learned that day.
- My family loves me?? I’m not the type of person who’s showy of her feelings but that day reminds me that they care for me and it boosts my mood.
- Don’t put people on pedestal. Don’t expect anything at all so you won’t get disappointed.
- Do your own thing. Just do it. Just do it. Just do it.
- Don’t mind people’s opinions. They don’t know the truth about you.
- Eventually some people will make their way back to you.
- There will come a time that will show you the ‘people for keeps’ in your life.
- Don’t take things too seriously.
- Some people really do care.
- Forget the past that you think that are not relevant anymore for your growing.
I can’t say I’m completely okay now, I still stumble here and there but I’m still trying to take the little steps towards it. I’m still trying. I’m not giving up.
Last year on my birthday I woke up crying, this year I woke up fine.
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