Since everything in my life went wrong until this day, this Christmas is also wrong. This year’s Christmas, that is. I should be in Christmas shopping stress, make a cake, bake cookies (something I did today though), try to prepare for the great festivity that is ahead. But I don’t. We don’t even have a Christmas tree. As I told before. People seem to be angry at me ’cause I eat a lot of things together in one, almost, I am just so nervous and sad, that is when I start to eat unrestrained. No, not too much unrestrained, but it is not controlled either. I wish I would be more controlled, but I am not.
Well, I don’t want to be put in chains yet, that would be a bit much for all of this. I talk much and I am upset, yes. I am deeply upset. I think I will be upset for a long time.
Christmas just gives me the creeps. A child is born, something I never did, and never will, due to my age, I just never had the chance to do that, to behave like a woman should or wants mostly, for me this is not in order… I feel outlawed, out of everything, out of the club. I don’t belong to the Marias, to the women who have children, I can’t relate.
I lost a child on Christmas Eve. I was all alone in my ward and nobody talked to me, not even my boyfriend at the time, he spent the night at his parents, celebrating this damn Christmas. It was a white Christmas, though. That is why he could not reach me, no car could come through, no bus was driving. It was just a very shitty Christmas. So, that day, Christmas lost all meaning to me.
Christmas is the only time, when I feel good for not having anyone around me. For not knowing anybody. Okay, there is my mother. And I have a father, like anyone on this world, how else could this all work…. but my father is not around, he never was. So this whole family thing is not mine anyway, I was never welcome on this earth, not to a single person here on this planet. So, Christmas is kind of ridiculous to a person like me.
Christmas only exists in books, like “Erika”, or “Elsie” by Margret Rettich, or in movies and films… but my life does not indulge any Christmas. I don’t have an idea how my family celebrates Christmas. Okay, more out of the catalogue kind of Christmas, I was once invited, but we never repeated that. Too spooky for my taste. Nothing personal, at least not the Christmas tree… it was more for the show, I guess…
And I lost my talisman this year, a few days ago. My little dolphin… it just slipped off the thread…. it is mostly the sign that something bad is going to happen. It was always a sign. Last time there was 911 when this happened.
I will have to lay the cards, the celtic card deck, and see what next year brings. This is what I might do, but it could also be, that I be dragged down to much, in this case, I might just forget it… or simply, not do it. I am a very depressed kind of person. So true.
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