LOOKING FOR TELOS – “The Web Planet”

τέλος • (télos) n (genitive τέλεος or τέλους); third declension

completion, accomplishment, fulfillment, perfection, consummation

The Whoniverse is wide, and rich, and crazy.

And sometimes, bits of it go overlooked. There’s no way around it, we, at DoWntime, are children of the New Series. Our cultural sensibilities and our tastes in Who have been shaped by it. And of course, when we’re embarking in the big task of producing Discourse, we naturally tend to tackle recent events, controversies and stories. But that doesn’t mean the twenty-six seasons of Classic Who are undeserving of some in-depth coverage – and what better way to deliver said coverage than to watch it.

ALL of it. In order. Without skipping anything.

We’re looking for our telos, and it starts now.

TIBERE: “The Web Planet”. Oh boy. I’ve heard things.

SCRIBBLES: I’ve been dreading returning to this one since we started this marathon. Hopefully, it’s not as painful as I remembered.

TIBERE: So far so good. Great title card. Nice set. Good mood-setting … The expository dialogue between our merry travellers isn’t half stilted, though.

SCRIBBLES: Still, it does lightly touch at the sort of cosmic horror the first episode of “The Sensorites” had. Not quite as good, but the idea of some force holding down the TARDIS is interesting. Unfortunately we then get beeping ants in pants.

TIBERE: You heard of elf on the shelf, now get ready … But yeah, damn, those costumes, and the bleeping sound that accompany them, are not good. I assume it’s a homage to “Them”, the anti-nuclear giant ants movie that came out a few years before that episode. Oh, eh, there’s a sort of … Weird crawling bug thing that’s obviously one guy on all fours under a silly costume. With spaghetti feet.

SCRIBBLES: It’s called a larvae gun and I genuinely love them. Less lovely, god, this cinematography. The TARDIS shaking is clearly just the camera moving. The lens flairs look tacky. The dissolves are hideous. This is really not a great production, particularly compared to the slick direction of the first season, and even of earlier this season.

TIBERE: That episode has some scintillating dialogue. “Bleep bleep bleep bleeeeeeeeep bleeee-bleee-bleeeeeeeeep”. Hilarious. Also, is it me, or does Hartnell flub his lines a huge lot more than usual here? Well, I guess you can say this episode is a bit … p-ants, so far?

SCRIBBLES: It’s odd. It’s clearly going for the production spectacle, but we’ve already had two of those this season that were marvelous, with “Planet of Giants” and “The Dalek Invasion of Earth.” This is less effective. I do love Ian asking how they open the doors without power, though. Ah, the futuristic imaginings of the twentieth century. Still, it offsets that with the lovely little beat of having Vicki treat aspirin as primitive. Vicki’s a marvelous character, I love her talking about what school is like to Barbara.

TIBERE: God the pacing is awful. It has taken them, what, two full minutes just to open the TARDIS doors? And even then, they hold the shot of the doors closing for like, five seconds, including a good three or four after they have closed, just, like, still.

SCRIBBLES: I would pay to watch Barbara with makeup on dancing on a fire to ward off evil spirits instead of this. I love her, what a great scene this conversation is.

TIBERE: That’s a genuinely great line, yeah. To be honest, you can just stick Barbara parenting a young girl on screen for two hours and you’ll end up with a pretty decent serial.

SCRIBBLES: I like Barbara revealing she met Nero here, dealing with the fallout of “The Romans.” I think it says something that the stuff we get by responding to the previous story is better than anything else we’ve gotten in this one, though.

TIBERE: At least the Doctor is having fun. Hartnell’s great at channeling the childish joy he feels when Ian’s pen disappears, or when their words echo on this weird planet. Can’t say the suspense building is working all that well – they seem to be aiming for something like the first episode of “The Sensorites”, but there’s just none of the carefully controlled pacing and scares that made it work. It’s trying to create a sense of threat but isn’t really committing to anything – scenes just fall one next to each other without momentum.

SCRIBBLES: Still, the acting is pretty good. Jacqueline Hill is selling weird moments like her arm being dragged away out of her control even while the direction treats it as the most mundane and static thing in the world.

TIBERE: I mean, with this TARDIS team, that is rather a given. But yeah, I’m bored now. I’m singing out loud the theme song to “The Man with the Golden Gun”, if anyone cares about such details. “He’s got a powerfuuuuuuuuuuuuuuul weapooooooooooooooon …” Oh eh, a pyramid with a butterfly on top! Nice visual. I mean, it looks a bit naff, but in a surreal lovely way.

SCRIBBLES: The visuals here really veer between glorious pulp science fiction and outright badness. And really, I think most of that is the directorial choices. The set really isn’t half bad, but the camera work is so, so lackadaisical and lazy, and god, that camera lens causing the blurring and flaring is dreadful.

TIBERE: Oh, yeah, absolutely. It’s a very flat direction. The pacing problems I talked about earlier really are tied to it – there’s no internal dynamics to the scenes. They just happen, in long, stilted still shots. I mean, you can get great effects with minimalistic direction, but this … This is not the story for it. Simple and evocative isn’t an ethos you can mix too well with loud bombastic blockbuster.

SCRIBBLES: The script isn’t great, either. We’re back to recycling acid pool science from “The Keys of Marinus.” It’s almost saved by the sheer impish glee of the Doctor dipping Ian’s tie in it, though.

TIBERE: Bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep. Why use a sound effect only once when you can use it fifty times, amirite? Bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep. John Smith and the Bleeping Ants does sound like a pretty decent prog rock band name, doesn’t it?

SCRIBBLES: The thing is, this sound weirdness could actually work if the camera wasn’t just, like, sitting there.

TIBERE: They’re trying to do their own version of the sandstorm scene in “Marco Polo”, except without the talent.

SCRIBBLES: The console spinning and Barbara being drawn out of the TARDIS are just weird and creepy enough to shine through the poor direction, but only just.

TIBERE: Oh god, Ian falling in that trap is so, so damn goofy – and confused as hell, too, you barely see exactly “how” he falls into it.

SCRIBBLES: I just looked up who directed this. He did part of the original Daleks serial, “The Dalek Invasion of Earth,” and the opening episode to “The Edge of Destruction.” How the hell do you go from that kind of competence to this? Were the cinematographers and camera operators no good, or what?

TIBERE: Uh. I … I am puzzled. I guess he was burnt out and just went “eh, what the hell”. Or maybe he was on drugs? I mean, those were the sixties, it was wild – speaking of wild, didn’t Will Hartnell do naughty things with one of the Zarbi actors?

SCRIBBLES: So a friend of mine claims. Certainly makes watching this more fun.

TIBERE: God, I need to find some good insect sex puns before this ends. Challenge: accepted. The pressure is on.

SCRIBBLES: And the TARDIS is gone. I suppose we should be worried?

TIBERE: You know the story’s bad when even the TARDIS wants out.

SCRIBBLES: At least the Zarbi’s bleeping isn’t giving me a headache this time. Last time I saw this it made it unbearable. Instead I just get to find it highly amusing.

TIBERE: Oh god. A GIANT BUMBLEBEE MAN! POPPING OUT OF NOWHERE! And now Hartnell is yelling in the middle of a studio desert. And acts like he’s having a heart attack. This feels like one of my better fits of extreme 1 am drunkenness at a sleazy party. Which is to mean surreal and painful. Now Ian and the Doctor are doing breathing exercises. Has this turned into an aerobics video? I’d pay good money to see Hartnell do one of those.

SCRIBBLES: They sound hungover.

TIBERE: Or on pot. Or like they tried to cure their hangover with pot and failed.

SCRIBBLES: “It’s been dragged away. Dragged away!” What the heck is that line delivery? Now even the acting isn’t holding up. Same goes for Maureen O’Brien’s staggering around. Some of the visuals are weird enough to work, I love the TARDIS just rolling along for the hell of it, and the Menoptera honestly aren’t too bad, but most of this…yikes.

TIBERE: Looks like she’s dancing in slow-mo. With a giant bumblebee. Is this going to turn into a bumblebee on human orgy now?

SCRIBBLES: Is that something you want to see?

TIBERE: I mean, it would be entertaining if nothing else. In an awful, repulsive sort of way. Jason Kane, save us. “Aaaaaah, oooooh, so strange, so unnatural” – Hartnell, are you describing the script there? And now, Ian has stepped on a bug chrysalis. Fascinating.

SCRIBBLES: “Many light earths…many light years away from us.” I’ll be honest, Hartnell’s flubs make this a lot more human and watchable.

TIBERE: Oh god, that’s the voice they chose for the Menoptra?! Also, why are they all standing like they are posing for a cereal commercial?!

SCRIBBLES: They got a choreography expert to advise it all, so the story goes Roslyn de Winter. They liked her so much they cast her as one of the Menoptera.

TIBERE: Maybe the money that was supposed to go to the director went to the Bug-Woman instead, therefore making him pissed and leading him to intentionally sabotage the episode?

SCRIBBLES: Watch closely in the credits, it literally has a credit for “Insect Movement by” for her. On a Menoptera-related note, I like the continuity of the bracelet Nero gave her being what allows the Zarbi to control Barbara. Honestly, there’s interesting themes about patriarchal control one could extrapolate from that, and I would if anything about this serial gave me the sense it was that clever.

TIBERE: I’d totally watch her life story before watching this. Or the Doctor and Ian “rubbing their back legs together as some sort of grasshopper”. That would also work. Speaking of, they are now threatened by the Zarbi and their acolyte Spaghetti-Legged Bug. Oh no. What’s going to happen to them. I am so engrossed by this compelling, thoughtful, layered, and provocative narrative.

SCRIBBLES: This nest Vicki is trapped in looks like it was made of room dividers from a furniture shop.

TIBERE: “I wonder how much time it has taken them to grow to that size. One hundred, two hundred years?” Also known as the running time of this episode. Oh, god, putting a Zarbi in the TARDIS has to be the worst directorial idea ever – like, they already don’t look good on the set, but under the blazing white lighting of the console room? It’s the stuff of legends. It’s so bad. And so good, simultaneously. This is turning into the Plan 9 from Outer Space of Doctor Who.

SCRIBBLES: It walking through the door is one of the funniest things I’ve seen in ages. The question is, is the new bleeping sound the TARDIS burglar alarm or the Zarbi?

TIBERE: Maybe the Doctor made the burglar alarm sound like a Zarbi? You know, given that he has a fetish … Gah, the Menoptra scenes are awful – their weird sing-song voice is slow and dull and makes every scene they’re in a chore to sit through. That pacing is abhorrent.

SCRIBBLES: That Menoptera speaking, the woman, she’s the choreographer. That’s who to blame. I do kinda love the stupid voices though. Pronouncing “Animus” like “Annie Moose” is tremendously amusing.

TIBERE: My name is Moose. Annie Moose. That battle scene with the Zarbi invading the Menoptra camp is a thing of beauty, too … I especially love that one Menoptra fighting off one of the ants with all the raw energy and passion of a neurasthenic sloth, while yelling-yawning an apathetic “Run! … Run!”. Everyone on screen feels like they’re half-asleep, it’s awful.

SCRIBBLES: The sing-song Menoptera relating the horrors of the Zarbi prison camps just doesn’t work for the same horror as the Daleks do, no matter how hard Jacqueline Hill tries. And god, the visual of the Zarbi dragging the Menoptera away is utterly hilarious.

TIBERE: Oh, god, Hartnell talking in sign language to giant ants. This is perfect. This is the content I signed up for. Someone really should make a music video out of it. OH WAIT. THEY DID.

TIBERE: Yes, I was waiting to talk about that video for the whole talk. And it was. Worth it. Oh yeah, and there’s a cliffhanger too. Where a weird giant penis drops from the sky and asks Hartnell what’s going on ‘round here. Eh, who gives a fuck when you can listen to ZARBI DANCE! ZARBI DANCE! ZARBIBIBIBIBIBIBIBIDANCE! BI! DANCE!

TIBERE: And now the torture resumes. At least the titles are nice. Annnnd now we’re back to the bleeping and blooping.

SCRIBBLES: WIth the Doctor in the tube listening to ASMR.

TIBERE: Tsssk tsssk tssk tssssk. You are happy. You are relaxed. Tsssssk tsssssk tssssk. So, the plot is based on the Zarbi being too dumb to tell humans and Menoptera apart? That is, uh, lame.

SCRIBBLES: Speaking of lame, Vicki falling into the TARDIS console is what fixes it. Okay then.

TIBERE: Hartnell’s face while speaking to a giant penis-tube is rather priceless, though. “Am I really doing this? Is that actually happening?”

SCRIBBLES: It will never cease to be funny that the expanded universe made the Animus into a Lovecraftian Old One.

TIBERE: The whole Who-Lovecraft connections are kind of fun, but, uh, that’s stretching it a bit. I prefer my pet “The Great Intelligence is actually Yog-Sothoth” theory.

SCRIBBLES: I’m pretty sure there’s a story about that somewhere.

TIBERE: “Why is this so big?” “Size is relative, my boy.” Well … Uh … Too much information there, Bill … God, Ian looks so done with the plot – “well that’s not much help, is it?”. It’s a very relatable feeling.

SCRIBBLES: “Drop this hairdryer, or whatever it is.” God, the entertainment value drastically increases when this story mocks itself.

TIBERE: See, I know a lot of people that consider it as a so bad it’s good story, the Plan 9 from Outer Space of Classic Who, but so far I’m really not sure I agree. There are some amazingly terrible parts, but most of it is just dull.

SCRIBBLES: We don’t need this for that, anyway. “Dimensions in Time” exists and is glorious.

TIBERE: Or “Minuet in Hell”. Aaaaah, that time Who tried to do Buffy …

SCRIBBLES: Come on, Big Finish, where’s our “Becky Lee the Vampire Slayer” spinoff?

TIBERE: It would be hella more entertaining than Ian walking through what looks like a bunch of spider webs painted by a bad German expressionist, that’s for sure. Oh god, Ian fighting a giant ant is hilarious shit. And looks a bit like he’s, uh … Enjoying himself with it? It looks awkward.

SCRIBBLES: They just did a quick flip flop. Ian started out at the bottom but ended topping. And that’s not even the most crap imagery we’ve gotten. That “web” still looks dreadful, for example.

TIBERE: Like honestly I don’t get it. The production team of the time was more than capable to make dodgy effects work fine in context – the two Dalek serials or “The Keys of Marinus” had plenty of really naff moments, but the directing tried to hide their spottiness as much as possible. Here, it just feels like everyone, from the actors to ESPECIALLY the director and production crew, is phoning in. And that’s also why I don’t agree on it being so bad it’s good – the most amazing terrible movies are that way because they come from people who legitimately put heart and soul in something that ended up terrible; there’s a sincerity, a genuineness to it. That’s why Ed Wood, the movie, exists: we love the people that try and fail. But here, no one seems to be even trying.

SCRIBBLES: I do like Vicki’s love of monsters, that’s always a lovely character trait. She looks at a big ant and tells the Doctor it looks frightened. That’s very sweet. Less sweet is this blurry character scene between Ian and a Menoptera. Comments like the Menoptera once using the Zarbi as livestock don’t really endear them to the viewer, do they? And she doesn’t really bring much gravitas to the wings being pulled off in the colonies. That’s all leaving aside the batshit image of the Menoptera just using their wings to fly to the moon for a bit.

TIBERE: God, the direction in that scene is extraordinarily awful. They don’t do anything, they’re just like, chilling on a ledge. Nothing happens.

SCRIBBLES: It’s a long take, but just because they have no interest in cutting or other angles. And the single shot they hold on isn’t even a remotely good one, you can barely see Ian and Vrestin.

TIBERE: Seriously, it lasts about three minutes! That’s just insane!

SCRIBBLES: And now we get an equally static action scene. I love Vrestin’s random fist pump when Ian pulls her away. Like, “yes, viewers, this hunk is saving me, I’ve pulled.”

TIBERE: I ship it.

TIBERE: Gotta love how they don’t even try to resolve the cliffhanger or pretend like it was worthwhile in the first place. It’s basically a “oh my god they’re dead!” “nah, they’re actually not” situation. Kudos.

SCRIBBLES: This Barbara and Menoptera shot is a slightly better two-shot. At least they’re moving to focus on Barbara, but it gets static very quickly again.

TIBERE: Are we supposed to feel pity for that Menoptera who can’t fly again? Because the emotional impact is completely stopped by the delivery, context and framing.

SCRIBBLES: The Menoptera really don’t work at all. Not only are the performances stilted, but the backstory they’re given doesn’t really make them easy to root for. The ants revolted, and they just keep calling them just cattle. “We came here to liberate them.” Erm…

TIBERE: It’s bullshit. And in a series that enjoyed a rather politically radical ethos so far, well, it’s iffy, and completely at odds with the rest of the show and its aesthetics. They really pronounce it “animoose”, don’t they?

SCRIBBLES: I mentioned as much earlier, that pronunciation makes me giggle. The Zarbi backstory stuff does bring to mind a funnier story, though. Wouldn’t this be better on Earth with the cows ganging up on humans as the result of control by a dark God?

TIBERE: God you’re right. That would be amazing. “THE HUMANS WILL MOO-RN THE DAY THEY ENSLAVED US! THEIR WORLD ORDER IS BULLSHIT!”. So many puns. So much potential.

SCRIBBLES: Big Finish, give us the cow-themed “Web Planet” sequel we deserve. Or Chibnall. Jodie Whittaker looks outdoorsy enough to take on cows.

TIBERE: I mean, that seems like the right time to mention Big Finish did do a sequel to the Web Planet. With the Fifth Doctor and Nyssa.

SCRIBBLES: I’ve heard it. It’s about as entertaining as you’d expect for a sequel that takes everything from the serial seriously.

TIBERE: Shame, Daniel O’Mahony did some of my favourite Bernice Summerfield stories. God, imagine how improved this serial would be by having Benny in it …

SCRIBBLES: It’s settled, then, Benny needs to fight Animus-controlled cows on Earth to redeem “The Web Planet.”

TIBERE: Amen. Oh, and while we were chatting, Ian has fallen prisoner to … A bunch of bedbugs with spaghetti for hair? Damn, and I thought the Zarbi were the low point of that serial’s special effects …

SCRIBBLES: Oh my god, just wait till you see their own choreography and voice quirk.

TIBERE: OH MY GOD. That … That is amazing.

SCRIBBLES: The hops. Just, the hops.

TIBERE: They sound like they’ve come third in a spoken word poetry competition held in a small, very white town deep in the butthole of the USA.

SCRIBBLES: They are, quite subtly, called the “Optera.” Wonder who they could be related to?

TIBERE: Gotta love Ian’s Menoptera girlfriend calling them “primitives”, too. God the Menoptera are pricks. Their stilted, awful, overwrought, poorly delivered dialogue doesn’t help either. So, from that three-minutes still shit conversation, the hot take I’m supposed to have gathered is that they need to take out the Zarbi’s weird little larvae guns? Truly riveting drama. And now Vicki and the Doctor are trying to use a pen to do something? Wow. BAFTA. Academy Award. Such plot. Much inventivity.

SCRIBBLES: Meanwhile, the Doctor is being threatened in the hair dryer while Vicki gets hugged by an ant. You can see why the weirdness of all this might appeal, but there’s no glee in the proceedings, just sluggish disinterest.

TIBERE: How is this thing still going. How.

SCRIBBLES: Two. More. Episodes. An hour to go.

TIBERE: That’s five episodes too many.

SCRIBBLES: At least we get people dressed as roly polys hopping around awkwardly. Poor, poor extras. Their discomfort is my entertainment. God, though, Vrestin keeps getting less sympathetic. She declares an intent to “free” the “Zarbi slaves,” but they were literally slaves under the Menoptera, too. What a corrupt regime. And they’re going out on a war footing against said slaves. This really has massively unfortunate subtext.

TIBERE: Oh, eh, a vaguely decent shot. Love these moon in the background. And, just as I say that, Barbara moves right in the middle of the shot and blocks that lovely background. God the direction is atrocious. But dammit, you’re right, the Optera jumping up and down is comedy gold.

SCRIBBLES: The Optera calling the Menoptera their gods is a weird as hell beat.

TIBERE: They get venerated by people, too? Such a lovely race, uh.

SCRIBBLES: And Vrestin compares them to worms. Yes, this is truly a character to root for. And then, well, we just watched several minutes of bad special effects showcase until the episode sputtered to an end. I’ve not really got much left to say for that.

TIBERE: Stuff! Happening! ‘Splosions! Beeps and bops! Larvae crawling on the floor!

SCRIBBLES: You know, I’d actually take a Michael Bay Transformers sequel over this. At least there’s vague competence to the empty and morally questionable spectacle.

TIBERE: And they can get funny. Not on purpose, but eh, “I ate the whole plate! The whole plate!” is more memetic than anything in this.

SCRIBBLES: At least a robot humping an exploited actress’ leg makes me feel something. This just makes me feel boredom.

TIBERE: This is quite an artistic endeavour. Nobody had painted on film what brain death looks like before.

SCRIBBLES: Guessing this title refers to the Menoptera invasion. We’re really supposed to be rooting for them?

TIBERE: I mean, at least they portray the imperialists as bugs, which is a noble and worthy cause. We should do that too. Donald Trump would look great in a bumblebee suit. WAIT. DON’T YOU HAVE A BUMBLEBEE SUIT YOURSELF?!

SCRIBBLES: Let’s back up a moment to your interest in Donald Trump in a bee suit, some things can’t slip by un-kinkshamed. But fine, we make it to the end of this serial, I’ll dress as a bee.

TIBERE: Hype.

SCRIBBLES: Our viewing figures just went up. In the hypothetical world where me dressed as a bee is a selling point, anyway.

TIBERE: I dunno, man, I’m sure that’s someone’s kink. We gotta cater to the niche markets.

SCRIBBLES: Certainly it’s a more interesting subject than “The Web Planet” to write about. I’m sure it is to read, too. Though, actually, for once Barbara is calling a location beautiful and the direction tries to make it as much. Not as well as it could, but pretty good for this serial.

TIBERE: When one is starving, all scraps are good to take.

SCRIBBLES: God, it is so weird seeing aliens on Doctor Who talk together about an invasion failing and being supposed to root for them.

TIBERE: I look forwards to the “Aliens of London” cut from the point of view of the Slitheen. “The Menoptera will be no more”. So they will be … The Nomoreptera? Bar the awful pun – we are supposed to feel sorry? Like … No. You’re just a bunch of fake-hippie capitalistic bumblebees. Go die in a hole.

SCRIBBLES: I love Barbara just listening to this all uncomfortably and making random faces while she stares at them. Jacqueline Hill is doing all she can to be engaged in this, when the script and direction literally just has her standing there.

TIBERE: She looks bored. Oh, how I sympathize. And the first line she utters after all that is a thundering “Weeeeell …”. You can feel the unease in the air. You can literally cut it with a knife and eat it. It tastes like sweaty costumes and the director’s cocaine supplies.

SCRIBBLES: Careful, dear, you might arouse Hartnell from beyond the grave for fun with his supposed ant paramour. Which is probably a joke in terrible taste, but god, any taste is better than this serial’s bland.

TIBERE: You know that a French word for paramour is “amant”? In that case, it’d be an am-ant. But eh, if I can use kinks to resurrect people, I promise to channel that power for good. Bringing back previous Doctors so they can do Big Finish, all that. Although I guess corpses in the recording booth would probably inconvenience the living.

SCRIBBLES: Gives a whole new meaning to “stiffy.” Aww, at least Vicki and the Doctor shine through this turgid crap.

TIBERE: Zombo the Zarbi. That is actually pretty damn cute. She should do, like, pet videos on the internet. I’d watch them.

SCRIBBLES: “I’ll buy you a collar for him at the next stop.” YES. GIVE ME THIS. I WANT THIS NOW.

TIBERE: God, I have images of Lady Vicki, warrior queen, charging the enemy lines on the back of her Battle Ant …

SCRIBBLES: Really, Vicki is just such a perfect Doctor Who companion, isn’t she? Her sheer love for the weird and wonderful of the universe really captures beautifully what the show is about, and her relationship with the Doctor frequently has them teaching each other about those wonders. But god, I wish I could see the wonder in this. Now the Optera are getting mad at a wall. “The wall is not friendly.” What. The. Fuck?

TIBERE: “A silent wall.” As opposed to a talking one? Oh, eh, Barbara once again being the most effective person in the room and drawing battle plans for those useless Menoptera.

SCRIBBLES: And she’s doing it all sitting while the rest stand around like idiots. Queen.

TIBERE: It’s a decent beat. It would be better if Barbara didn’t sound like she was teaching the most insufferable class in Coal Hill, with a severe headache and a hangover to boot.

SCRIBBLES: I mean, that’s how I’d feel in this story. Even the Optera are half-assing the hops now, half hopping and half taking normal steps. There’s no glee in this, no joy. Just resignation to the stupidity.

TIBERE: This is where fun goes to die.

SCRIBBLES: “Yes, what is it? What do you want?” Well, it’s nice to know at least something in this was used for a better episode. I would much rather be watching “The Name of the Doctor.”  Speaking of modern Who, though, it is nice to see how much the Doctor’s ring gets used like the sonic screwdriver.

TIBERE: And … A sudden six-seconds still shot of random Zarbis. That don’t move. Thanks, Mr. Director. That was sorely needed.

SCRIBBLES: Oh thank God, we’re nearly there. Every random wasted shot like that is a step we are closer to the end.

TIBERE: Some people dare say that Classic Who has better pacing than the modern series. Some people are wrong.  Oh, and they just trapped Hartnell in a web. Okay, knowing his Zarbi fetish, it’s very, very easy to see that shot the wrong way. I mean, a guy all covered by a white substance … People will talk.

SCRIBBLES: I like how the Zarbi are just bobbing their heads up and down there like bobbleheads. It’s like they’re nodding to the audience: “Yes. Yes. It is done. ‘The Web Planet’ has been deployed against the world.”

TIBERE: Or an encouraging “Well done, you’re almost there!”, I guess.

TIBERE: God, the Menoptera popping behind a rock trying to be discrete is kind of hilarious. It feels a bit like a puppet spectacle. “Hello, kids! It’s us! The sneaky bumblebees!”

SCRIBBLES: I will say, though, Barbara saying “We should send in the Zarbi” is a great aesthetic. Barbara should ride a Zarbi into battle.

TIBERE: Vicki first.

SCRIBBLES: WHAT THE HELL AM I WATCHING? What are these Menoptera even doing?

TIBERE: “Zarbiiiiiiiiiiiii! I! I! I! I! I!” “Zarbiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii! I! I! I!”.

SCRIBBLES: “IIIIII! IIIII!”

TIBERE: “IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!” That scene was almost worth all the boredom. It was hilarious. Of course, just afterwards, we end up back to people in shitty costumes hugging each other tightly. That’s someone’s aesthetic, I suppose. And now they have reached the Animoose, who talks in weird new age dialogue.

SCRIBBLES: It’s tentacle porn.

TIBERE: “What you are … I will become …” I’m pretty sure that villain is a scientologist. Also, sorry Scribby – I’m hardly an expert in the matter, but I must disagree: tentacle porn would be much more enjoyable. At least stuff happens. Comings and goings.

SCRIBBLES: Hartnell sounds like he’s literally sleeping through this climactic sequence. “Hm. Hm hm.”

TIBERE: I mean, he probably reached the climax before. With a Zarbi. Get it. But I mean, I can’t blame him – that script is pretty good at putting one to sleep. And now Ian is climbing in a weird orifice filled with tentacles … God this script is basically a fetish porn with all the fun bits removed.

SCRIBBLES: Did we miss a plot beat where it was revealed the Menoptera saying Zarbi at a high pitch magically dispatches them?

TIBERE: Maybe. I don’t know. I don’t care.

SCRIBBLES: Okay, the Menoptera being unable to resist a light is a pretty damn hilarious gag. That’s the kind of nonsense animal logic that would make this serial way more fun to have in abundance.

TIBERE: And Barbara kills the Animoose’s brain-boner with a chemical isotope. Yay. Although, I guess her being inspired by Ian’s presence is a nice, lovely shippy beat. Doesn’t really help with the general quality of the proceedings. And now the Menoptera have their slaves back, and all is well. Yaaaaaay. God, fuck this serial so damn much.

SCRIBBLES: I suppose that comes from a lack of worldbuilding. Are the Zarbis just space cows? And even then, let’s be fair, there’s reasonable conversations to have about treatment of livestock. In general, though, this story fails to live up to the cows turning on the farmer image it uses. Shame.

TIBERE: That’s saying something, when the most interesting themematic beat of the episode is a random throwaway line about cows.

SCRIBBLES: And the funniest beat, for that matter. Though Ian nearly got one funnier right here, his challenging about how they all got out okay except the tie the Doctor gleefully burned in an acid pool. Bless. Even in a crap serial, this team is magic.

TIBERE: Can you blame the Doctor for trying to find some enjoyment in this mess?

SCRIBBLES: “Their deeds shall be sung in the temples of my people.” This all was much better when it was called “Planet of the Ood” and knew what it wanted to be about.

TIBERE: Damn, why do these final scenes with the Menoptera even exist? The narrative is over, just END, serial! END! PLEASE! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEND!

SCRIBBLES: They’ve gotta remind us one last time that Vrestin was planning to conquer her own planet. And that somehow Menoptera are capable of flying through the vacuum of space. Muddled messages and absurd concepts all the way through.

TIBERE: Thank god. It is over. It has ended. The evil has been defeated.

SCRIBBLES: And the Animus.

TIBERE: We made it out alive. Just.

TIBERE: How does one put it nicely … This … This was atrocious on a scale I barely thought even existed. Holy motherfucking cow.

SCRIBBLES: There’s moments I can see what people like. There is a charm in the ambition of trying to get an alien world like that together. The Menoptera and Zarbi are interesting design concepts, not realized too poorly. The sets are pretty nice. There’s a few fascinating moments like the TARDIS drifting away on its own or the crew’s limbs not following their command.

TIBERE: Hell, even the Animus is a pretty interesting antagonist on paper. I do love the Lovecraftian vibes.

SCRIBBLES: And yet. Ooooh, and yet. What a mess! Lazy, disinterested direction props up an equally lazy script.

TIBERE: I think the laziness is the worst part about it, really. It’s not that the fundamental building blocks of the story are terrible or unworkable – there are plenty of stories around it that share them. It’s just that they are tied together in the most uninspired and boring way possible.

SCRIBBLES: Really, our big nitpick about the Zarbi uprising is such a minor thing that comes from how lazy the story is. It doesn’t want nuance, it doesn’t want drama. It will evoke big images, but run from them as fast as possible. It’s just a tired, dead thing drifting along until six episodes run out.

TIBERE: I really dislike the term “filler”, and think it’s misused a lot, but damn, that is filler if ever there was such thing.

SCRIBBLES: One gets the sense it only exists because the production team wanted to get weird. But god, nobody working on this seems to care beyond the basic production design.

TIBERE: Weirdness isn’t an excuse for laziness. Surrealism, confusion, those things are actually really difficult to provoke and require a lot of work to be intelligible and interesting. “The Edge of Destruction” nailed it, this doesn’t even try.

SCRIBBLES: Whatever criticisms can be laid against other attempts at Who spectacle that hit narrative deficiencies along the way, they try to be about something. “Earthshock” or “The Rings of Akhaten” are so, so flawed, but they try to ground their awkward plotting in big character moments (to varying degrees of success). They try to juxtapose the production spectacle with character and actually mean something, and that does create something worthwhile (even though I find both stories overhyped personally). There’s no core here. There’s no plot, no theme, no event of consequence to use the spectacle to frame. It’s just empty, aside from one damaged tie.

TIBERE:  I actually count “The Rings of Akhaten” as one of my favourite Who stories of all time, and that’s a pretty good example there. It knows it’s not really about plot or theme – it just jumps from big poetic setpiece to another, with bombastic music and lush set design, and ties the spectacle to character threads not very subtly, but in a way that is still kind of deft. Even if you really dislike it – and you shouldn’t, ‘cause it is magnificent -, you must admit there is at least a purposefulness to it. “The Web Planet” is the antithesis of purposefulness. It has absolutely no reason to exist – and you really see that, the way the camera works, the way the actors act. It feels like they just leave it all running and improvise as they go along. It’s not so much a narrative as a thing that happens for a very long time and then ends.

SCRIBBLES: I suppose also, that leaves it criticism proof in a way, though. The people who do enjoy it enjoy it for the broadest level it works on, the charming spectacle of men in bee and ant suits romping about an average alien set. It delivers.

TIBERE: I mean, yeah. There’s not so much to be said about the quality of the story that’s not absolutely obvious from the spectacle, if you can call it that, that unfolds in front of your eyes. It’s all about the way you interpret and perceive that spectacle. And there is something a bit touching in all these extra in bee suits bouncing around, a basic cardboard-theatre appeal, and even poetry – I can see why people like it. But there’s just not enough genuine effort, belief in the necessity of what is being told for me to find any kind of pleasure in it. It’s honestly one of my least favourite Who stories.

SCRIBBLES: And mine as well. And yet, when it comes to people loving stories I cannot, I’d much rather hear them say their favorite is “The Web Planet” than something like “The Twin Dilemma.” It’s a disaster of a serial, but there’s something endearing about a person who can look at this scattershot weirdness and find nothing but love.

TIBERE: It’s harmless, really. I mean, there’s something a bit iffy to the whole proceedings, as we have discussed previously, but it’s not like it was actively offensive – if you go dig in the dark recesses of Who, you can definitely find worse. It’s an interesting relic, in any case – because it’s really something you couldn’t put on television anymore. A lot of the serial we have watched previously were interesting because of how modern they were, but this feels very unique, and impossible to reproduce. Which kind of has an appeal – what is rare is precious. But I can’t say I’m dying for more.

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