This weekend has been filled with tears of sorrow. One of my old roommates didn’t feel that life was worth living. From what I understand, she had been abused both physically and verbally by a man we warned her not to move in with. I wish she would have told me but she didn’t. How I wish she would have trusted God enough to follow Him.
Oh, how this world engulfs and drowns us. How life on this earth seems to be all important! When it turns into a crisis, we just want to stop. We are at a loss for what to do next. I know. I’ve been there. When that happens you must intentionally cry out to God. He will lead you out of danger even though you might have to go through the storm first.
I thought I had my emotions under control today. As I went into church I knew I didn’t. Someone might say, ‘I’m so sorry’, and I wanted to avoid that. I didn’t want to commiserate with anyone.
My pastor tried to pin me down and I avoided him as much as I could. I really wanted to just do my work by myself. I didn’t want to talk about it. My emotions were shut down until one lady came up and said, “I am so sorry about your old roommate.” She meant well.Tears burst forth but I restrained the effort to sob. My pastor was right there.
As soon as she walked off, I headed out to the truck to put my Bible in it. I needed to compose myself…shove my pain away again. I hate crying. I have cried far too much in my lifetime. It seems like such a waste of energy to cry over something that cannot be changed. I wanted to be in a white room full of punching bags where I could scream and beat the snot out of something but there I was in the parking lot taking a deep breath. My pastor appeared there too.
As the shepherd of his church, he knows his sheep well. He knows that I don’t like to cry. He knew I was hurting and didn’t want to let me leave without talking. I talked to him for a few minutes, but it turned out that I needed to talk to his wife (which is weird because I usually feel more comfortable with men.)
I am angry and sad. I wonder where she is. I invested so much time with that girl. I talked to her about Jesus, and I took her to church and to community group. I wish she would have turned back to God instead of exiting life on the end of a rope.
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