Start from the beginning?
Anyone with even the slightest bit of intuition, knows when a storm is brewing.
The hairs on the back of your neck begin to stand on end. You start to get that strange feeling in the pit of your stomach.
No matter what it is you feel exactly, you know that it isn’t good. You know that something negative is about to invade your life.
Most importantly (and frustrating), you know there is nothing you can do except hold on for dear life.
This was what I was beginning to experience. The storm had finally arrived.
It started small but effective.
It had been a while since I heard from Saint. It was typical for us to be out of contact for a couple of days. But around the third or fourth day, he usually sends a message apologizing for his absence.
Five days past and there’s no message. I reached out to him in all the ways I could. No answer. I refused to panic, but my next step was to reach out to one of his family members and ask them if they knew his whereabouts.
I had to wait, though. If I panicked too soon, I would draw the wrong kind of attention and succeed in annoying him and his family. So, biting my lips and fingernails, I waited nervously.
Two more days passed. I wasn’t ready to bother his family yet, so I checked his social media profiles. He rarely uses them but maybe I’d get lucky and he liked a tweet or a post. Or at the very least he simply logged in and it would say when he was last online.
I knew it was a long shot. Why would he be active in social media but not respond to my messages? But if he had, I was orchestrating my speech of ferocity. He was going to be in serious trouble and I wasn’t going to pull any punches.
Truthfully, I was hoping he was ignoring me. Anything else scared me.
As I was going through his pages (via Google search) I came across a page that stopped my heart.
It was a dating site of sorts. This wasn’t surprising as I knew he signed up for a few before we met. I figured maybe he forgotten to delete this particular account.
Then I looked at his profile information.
The information had been updated!
The location matched where he was currently and he had only been there in recent months; long after we committed ourselves to each other.
Instantly I was burning with rage. I couldn’t think straight. I wanted there to be an explanation but I was too livid to think past the sh*t storm I was going to rain upon him.
Had he been in front of me, I couldn’t promise that things wouldn’t have gotten physical.
After all the promises we made to each other and what we’ve overcome, why did I have to doubt him all over again? Why should I have to question him in this relationship?
I had to confront him about it.
But I knew that in that moment, I was far too pissed to form proper sentences.
So I waited.
Eventually I was cooled down enough to draft a reasonable letter where I ask for an explanation.
I didn’t accuse him if anything, I simply told him to explain.
Another day passed, I was no longer worried about where he was or why he hadn’t reached out yet. I was in my own mind. Debating with myself whether or not it was over between us.
I refuse to be in a relationship where I would have to constantly question his actions and motives.
I had no intentions of being in a relationship where I can’t trust my man.
Finally, the following morning, I saw a shared video in my inbox. I took a deep breath before I opened it and hit play.
In the video, Saint explained that there had been a power outage and he had no way to charge his phone or WiFi available to reach out to me. That was fine, but we all know what I was waiting to hear.
I deserved an explanation, and anything else he was saying didn’t matter as much to me.
He explained what the page was about. I was right, it was a page he forgot to delete. But that wasn’t the problem was it? No, the issue was the updated location.
Looking straight into the camera, he said he had no explanation for that part.
No explanation!!???
He said he didn’t know how that was possible.
In my mind, I was thinking “How do you not know how it’s possible!? You go into your account and change and update your information!!”
This was going to be my reply. I was going to call bullsh*t and tell him to think of a better lie. I was going to tell him about how I demand respect and honesty and if he couldn’t give me that, then we had no business being together.
But I couldn’t bring myself to do it. He said he would delete the account immediately. I went back to the site, and he did as he promised.
He apologized for putting me through the stress. He asked me to forgive him and promised that I would never have to question him or his loyalty to me.
At that moment, I hated how much I loved him.
I never got the explanation that I wanted. Yet, somehow, the reaction that I did get from him, eased my rage.
I forgave him, but I told myself that I was never going to forget this. And whether he knew it or not, he was going to have to work hard to earn back my trust.
I truly did love him, so forgiving him came as a relief to me.
I wish it would have stopped there, but this storm promised to stay a little while longer.
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