“She cries a lot,” one pastor told me while I was visiting their home.
“It used to be a lot worse than it is now,” she agreed. “When he told me he wanted to be a pastor, I begged him not to. I put my foot down. I was a pastor’s daughter and knew what it would be like and didn’t want any part of that life.”
I couldn’t understand why. It still strikes me as a bit odd when a pastor says, “I can take one but it kills me when my wife takes a hit,” or “My wife can do what she wants…she can have a beer if she wants…it’s up to her if she wants to work.” Isn’t the pastor’s wife a part of her husband’s ministry? In short, No, and yes, but mainly no.
Being fascinated about how the church operates and how God works, I often spend my reading time ingesting pastoral reference books. The last book I read, however, was a book called“Why your pastor left,”by Christopher D Schmitz. Geared toward confused lay people, Schmitz attempts to clarify what a pastor experiences both at the hands of other pastors and also parishioners. In chapter 12 he talks about the pastor’s wife.
There was, and still is, so much I don’t know. I probably will never have a full grasp of what a pastor’s wife experiences. We, the congregation, watch the Pastor’s family closely. I love my pastor, his wife, and their children but sometimes I catch an aire of their … humanity. On the outside, they appear to have a near to perfect marriage but Behind closed doors, pastor’s wives can suffer greatly. Loneliness, lack of privacy, and not enough family time are huge problems. They can suffer jealousy over some women in the church who cannot respect the wife (feeling she is not worthy) or the sanctity of her marriage and will hit on the pastor. They can have serious marital problems and sexual issues. Sometimes they suffer from depression. They often cannot express it though, because the church is watching and judging.
I am at a loss of what to do when I sense her hurting. I pray for her and try to encourage her but I cannot relate. How can I truly understand the stresses placed on these women?
If I act out, I will be called crazy. That is no big deal. If she acts out, she places her husband’s ministry at risk.
If I refuse an invitation, well everyone knows I don’t like crowds. If she refuses an invitation then what’s wrong? Isn’t it her job? (Um NO!)
I guess my biggest advice is that she is not just the pastor’s wife, that is not her name. She is a woman who happens to be married to the pastor. She is not an employee of the church but will often volunteer her time serving God, her husband, and you! She is her own person. She is just a person. Give her a break!
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