Shaking and Exhausted

Intention of this post: To share another POV how to a scene might be done and have a reference for myself when I write again in a few days how I am feeling about it.

Content NSFW

I know that I should actually be waiting a day or two to write this post but I wanted to get my thoughts out now so I cam compare them later. I just finished my first BDSM scene and I was surprised at the outcome.

First I want to note to anyone reading this that I am disabled and very new to practical BDSM. I am doing it all solo for 2018 (and probably always) because it is my preference. I have been researching BDSM for a little over a year before starting this year. I am aware that the scene/roleplay will seem silly or like the simplest thing they ever heard but whatever.

My scene actually started a couple weeks ago when I was reading a book I borrowed from the library called Conquer Me. It was recommended by a youtuber for a submissive POV. I wrote down a few ideas in boxes and then started to fill them out one by one, often going back to add more info as it came to me.

I wanted to have it set in my mind the who, what, where, when, how long, etc. I was doing ok, or so I thought, until I got a new book called Exploring BDSM by Morgan Thorne. It is the best beginner book you could ask for. It breaks down everything and gives examples of scenes, situations, after care, communication ideas, safety, etc. So, I went back and wrote even more.

Morgan suggests that you pick 2-5 things that you want to do per scene, especially as a beginner. I picked flogging, paddling, simple masturbation and cuckqueaning mind fucking. All of which, remember, I was doing alone. So, this requires a heavy amount of switching and imagination.

If you read the above picture of my scene you will know that it is a Twilight scene (and still better than Twilight and 50 Shades combined). My role play character is Lilith Mason, who was turned into a siren. She is Edward’s first wife whom he thought was dead along time ago. She comes to the Forks house and ties up Bella, takes her ring (well, it was Lilith’s first) and lets her hang in the closet from the ropes to watch the unfolding scene. Lilith seduces Eward by making him “see” back in 1920 when they were married, happy and way kinky. She has mental powers over males and that is why he also can’t hear Bella screaming and crying in the closet, btw.

The scene moves into the kinkier side when 20 rounds are applied to each cheek with the paddle (stingy) and 50-60 on the back with the flogger (thuddy). Finally the masturbation part which is where I imagined Edward actually fucking me/Lilith while saying how much he hates Bella and what a waste of his life she was, what a whore, slut, etc. while she (Bella) continues to scream and cry so hard her makeup is streaming down her face in humiliation.

When the scene comes to an end Edward and Lilith have orgasmed and that left Lilith blindsided and the mental powers were released. Edward realizes what he has done and is in shock. Just then Bella has broken free and is laying in a slump on the floor of the closet door and can’t stand to have Edward look at her. Lilith gets bored and decides it is time to take off… with the ring still in tow.

Ok, so, there is the part where I let you know I would absolutely NEVER treat another person like this and do not encourage cheating, or non-consensual sex. It was a fantasy. NOT REAL.

My scene was not terribly long maybe 20ish mins. I used a play list I curated on youtube to get me into the headspace, move the scene along and get out of headspace. (Headspace is when you are in the character, submissive, dominant, pet mind set instead of your own).

Here is what I had to change along the way:

  • I picked 3 Twilight sound track songs and one 1920esq song in the end originally I had at least 4 more songs but knew my body wouldn’t last that long with pain and chronic fatigue.
  • I was not able to do much with the lighting except turn them low. I originally planned for candles and to use my marque to have a Chicago letterhead for the 1920s part.
  • I planned for an outfit change from the 1920s to current. I went with the 1920s dress and it really didn’t matter much as it was on the floor half way through the whole thing.
  • I planned on doing makeup. I did none as I was able to do the scene quickly when the house was empty (which happens once in a blue moon).
  • I was able to use the three items I wanted too. Flogger (first time), paddle (first time) and dildo (my old friend).

When the scene was done and my back was red, bruises slowly showing up on my butt, shaking with exhaustion and adrenaline I switched immediately over to aftercare mode. I reminded myself that it was just for fantasy, it was all for fun, it is not real, that is not how I feel about or would treat anyone without explicit consent. That I am a good person and that I did very well for my first time as a dom and sub in the scene. I took the time to wash and put away all the items used and applied lotion to my whole body before snuggling with my dog for a little while watching tv and having a snack.

I will talk more about head space in the next post about this but as for right now I am very exhausted and want to head to bed. I would love to hear your thoughts in the comments below. Pictures to come as well.