Wednesday evening, December 20, 2017 tears rolled down my face as I watched my godson’s 15-month-old twins open Christmas presents. I wasn’t in the room when they did so, but rather miles and miles away yet through the ‘magic’ of technology, I was able to participate in this happy moment through a video phone call. Those were tears of joy.
Thursday night, December 21, 2017, I was again on the phone and again tears rolled down my face as I listened to my cousin relay news that his 26-year-old nephew (my second cousin) had died unexpectedly earlier that day. Those were tears of sadness and profound grief.
I have shed many tears in my lifetime. Tear of joy. Tears of sadness. Tears of compassion. Tears of relief. If I am honest with myself, all of my tears have an underlying cause in some type of change. The twins are blossoming from infants into happy, active toddlers whose antics thrill and delight, bringing on the happiness waterworks.
The tears for Cousin Adam were sparked by the sudden and totally unexpected change in his life journey which has affected all family members and friends. Life was full of promise for Adam. His upcoming June 2018 wedding has been but one topic of excitement when we talked of him. Adam’s loss from our lives is a change totally out of our control and one that just leaves us with red, swollen eyes; tear-stained faces; broken hearts; and, heads shaking in shock and dismay. The first round of those tears of change were followed by tears filled with memories of the happy times: Adam in his college football uniform, in his professional football uniform, in his suit and tie, in his casual clothes enjoying a summer day.
None of us can control change – not the change that brings us happiness, satisfaction, and joy, nor the change that brings us sadness, anger, and frustration. When a change occurs that seems unfair, unreasonable, or just plain wrong, we need to go ahead and vent – yell, scream, wail. Go ahead and shed tears, lots and lots of tears. Go ahead and call someone and share feelings, memories, thoughts. Go ahead and reflect. Go ahead and smile when remembering the happy times. Go ahead shake your head. Go ahead and spend time with loved ones; get comfort from their embraces. Go ahead and do whatever it takes to help productively ease the pain and the sorrow. For only in consoling ourselves, in easing the sting of the change, in giving ourselves time to adjust to the change can we prepare to move forth in the wake of the change.
And move on we must. No matter how difficult. No matter how much we just want to give up or give in. No matter how much we want to turn back the hands of time. We mourn what was and yes, we often have a tough time envisioning what will be. But, we move on because our life journey continues to move on. The path of that journey has undoubtedly changed and where it will now lead, we don’t know (but then again, we really didn’t know before the change occurred, did we?). We can be sure that there will be more changes along the way. More tears of joy. More tears of sadness. But, beyond the tears of sadness there is a rainbow waiting. I have no idea how long it will take any of us to see or find that rainbow for we all experience change and especially the losses associated with it in a different way.
American novelist and nonfiction writer Katharine Weber has an interesting take on our life journey: “Life seems sometimes like nothing more than a series of losses, from beginning to end. That’s the given. How you respond to those losses, what you make of what’s left, that’s the part you have to make up as you go.” Indeed, how we respond to the losses in our life and what we make of what’s left is a challenge for all of us.
In my continued journey, my Cousin Adam’s spirit will always be with me. Nothing can change the memories I have of him. It is those memories that will keep me moving forward. Within those memories, I will continue to experience tears of sadness and tears of joy. Eventually all of my tears will eventually help heal the heartache that pervades (especially during times of unexpected and unwanted change) and beyond the heartache, the changed journey will continue leading me, as it does all of us, to that rainbow and a new beginning. And, in my new beginning, I will be able to celebrate Adam and all the joy and happiness he brought in his short time with us. In my new beginning, my tears of joy for Adam will help build my rainbow.
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