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The Parents We Mean To Be: How Well-Intentioned Adults Undermine Children's Moral And Emotional Development (2009)

by Richard Weissbourd(Favorite Author)

3.56 of 5 Votes: 3

ISBN

0618626174 (ISBN13: 9780618626175)

languge

English

genre

Middle Grade & Children's

publisher

Houghton Mifflin Harcourt

review 1: I became interested in reading this book not because I have any opportunity to put Weissbourd's lessons into practice, but because I am pretty interested in the topic of moral development and character education. I am not at all well-versed in parenting literature, but I do think Weissbourd's book is unique in that his focus is on how parents and other adults who work with kids can reflect and improve themselves, rather than actions they can take specifically to improve their children. One of my main takeaways, and one that I hope I will remember for future use, is that the objective of raising kids is not to fulfill some unrealized version of yourself, or to create a replica of yourself. This may sound obvious, but Weissbourd draws from many examples, both from researc... moreh and personal experience, where parents unknowingly place all kinds of pressures on their kids (and on themselves) because they have some picture of who their kids will or should be. On the contrary, Weissbourd argues that being a good model of morality and character starts with really knowing our kids, and not just knowing what we want out of our kids. He also has great things to say about the parent/teacher partnership, morality in organized sports, and gender. This is a great book: extremely easy to read and applicable (I think), and not at all preachy.
review 2: This book is a game changer. I've said this before about other parenting books I've read, but if you are going to read ONE parenting book, THIS is it. If there is one book that is going to erase your parental anxiety, this is it. This book is the one that helped me find my personal inner parenting strength. If there is a book that can increase the positive impact teachers and coaches have on their students, this is it.This book blows the premises that popular modern parenting practices and beliefs are built upon right out of the water. We unconsicously absorb these parenting dictams, which are all well intentioned - born out of a desire to improve upon previous generations' parenting, and out of a rich public awareness of psychology research. However, this book pulls back the curtain of our awareness to reveal how these premises are entirely faulty and how they have been taken to such damaging extremes. This is a book I would like to read twice, in order to completely erase from my mind the patterns of thinking and acting towards my child that are based upon these faulty premises. I find it all too easy to keep slipping back into old mindsets as time goes on!A few pertinent points I took away from this book are below:By blaming pop culture for eroding our children's moral development, we are abdicating our responsibility as parents and educators to shape our children's moral development ourselves.Moral development does not occur by talking with children about what is right or wrong. Moral development occurs by doing right, modeling right. We talk to children about right or wrong and they learn what is right or wrong, but that does not mean we have taught them to DO what's right, or to resist difficult emotions that pull our children towards doing the wrong thing (i.e. fear of peer rejection).Guilt is the self-reproach we feel when we violate an inner standard. We feel shame about who we are, not a deed one has done. Shame in moderation guides us along our path of moral development, but children more often than not are living with unhealthy levels of shame these days. Perhaps the most common and damaging kind of shame is when parents are threatened by their children's feelings and weaknesses. Many parents have difficulty tolerating their children's flaws and troubling feelings - anxieties, angers, disappointments, even sadness. Parents may be threatened by their children's negative feelings and weaknesses for many reasons. Often children's negative feelings don't resonate with what parents expect their child to be or of how they expect their family to function. Because we are doing so much for our children these days, a great deal of our self-esteem is wrapped up in our parenting, which makes the stakes of parenting very high. For some parents, any sign of parenting failure, any expression of distress, anger, doubt or weakness in a child is an attack on their fundamental sense of competence.This generation's parenting mission is happiness, which I'm embarrassed to say I had whole-heartedly and mindlessly bought into. "But by so shamelessly promoting our children's happiness we are making our children not only less moral, but ironically, less happy. Goodness or virtue is the key to development of happiness. Parents have also become intoxicated with the power of self-esteem. The habits of attending to and caring for others does not spring from happiness and self-esteem". Gang leaders and bullies often have high self-esteem, but the esteem is for a fragmented, immature, and selfish self. "When parents place their children's happiness above their awareness of others, children are cheated out of social and moral skills that are key to at least certain kinds of lasting well-being." Parenting practices that serve the happiness mission include the "praise craze," excessive focus on our children's entertainment, constant evaluation of and running commentary on their children's feelings.Closeness with our children can backfire. To obtain maturity, appreciation for others, and ideals, children need to idealize their parents at certain stages of development - a powerful way to internalize their parents' moral qualities - and at other stages to separate. Many of us are making it hard for our children to idealize us because we idealize THEM. And we are struggling mightily with "letting go" of our children. By not letting go, parents drive their children into unhealthy separation in order to disconnect themselves from their parents, and rely too heavily upon peers standards and expectations.Contrary to popular belief, moral growth is not "fixed" in adulthood, but is a continuous, life-long process.Not just parents, but those who have relationships with children, including teachers and coaches, are inevitably influencing the moral development of children. Teachers can make children writhe with shame or they can model empathy. Unfortunately, many teachers lack the skills to be moral educators. To promote children's moral growth, schools need to become very different places, to emphasize each person's responibility to the greater school community. The moral benefits and costs of sports depends on how the parents and coaches relate to each other and how coaches relate to parents and parents to children. Significant numbers of coaches act recklessly. Coaches can enhance moral reasoning by helping children sort through thier moral dilemmas in sports. While it's important for parents and coaches to work on their attitudes and behavior, it's may be important to change the rules less

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