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The Introvert's Way: Living A Quiet Life In A Noisy World (2012)

by Sophia Dembling(Favorite Author)

3.68 of 5 Votes: 1

ISBN

0399537694 (ISBN13: 9780399537691)

languge

English

genre

Nonfiction

publisher

Perigee Trade

review 1: After reading Susan Cain's 'Quiet' I read this; it was slightly tepid in comparison. Cain's book was peppered with personal anecdotes but also relied heavily on interviews with professional researchers which appealed to me. Dembling's approach was more myopic. That said I appreciated a few gems tucked away in this book. She offered tips on how to avoid the guilt of avoiding certain people and situations to prevent stress/sensory overload. I would have loved to have read this years ago when I really needed it but some of her tips were still quite useful. Many introverts can successfully masquerade as extroverts for work or social gatherings but it depletes their energy (whereas extroverts get an energetic buzz from being around others) and this requires planning. If we agr... moreee to attend an event pay attention to cues we need to leave. Clear the decks for the next day (or week) if need be to decompress. If extroverted friends and family have trouble understanding why this needs to happen? Firmly explain why (so that we can be our best selves when we *do* socialize) and maintain these boundaries. This is easier said than done but critical in living a stress free life as an introvert. Also, the realization that we're not responsible for someone else's problem if it's an acquaintance we just met or total stranger who wants to bend our ear with one sides personal monologues. Hyper awareness of what's going on around them and over active empathy can make introverts feel cornered. Dembling shared little ways to deflect these emotional vampires. Extroverts and introverts not only can get along, according to her- they complement each other when boundaries are established and maintained. Her explanation of this is what really made reading the book worth while; how some extroverted friends can require so much maintenance, phone calls, etc. that the introvert often just shuts down altogether. They stop emailing, stop returning calls. Radio silence. Now sometimes this happens because the person is inconsiderate but many friendships have fizzled out because of this exact scenario. This is sort of a Mars/Venus sort of thing. Extroverts might not understand (or care? I kid!) that introverts really need to prepare for some discussions. Some of the reasons (per Dembling): they listen to everything carefully and process it slowly. They like to give communication 110% and to them there is no such thing as a 'quick casual' chat that lasts an hour. I had a friend who did this (extrovert, 'natch) who would call me daily for an hour or more. I started to feel exhausted (just by listening, it was mostly one sided and I did enjoy offering advice, etc. I love my friends like family) and then as it continued I got resentful. But of course I never spoke up and suggested my friend call on certain days (hint: not every day) and that didn't register. Why? I can assert myself but not when it might hurt a friend's feelings. Then I would feel angry after hanging up and the rants would stick to me like it actually happened to me. So, I ghosted. That's right - I stopped calling back and stopped answering. That is how it happens. I wish I had this book I could have high lighted that section and sent to my friend anonymously.Are you an introvert? Grab this and page through it - mostly towards the end it gets more helpful with suggestions. If you're an extrovert? Then do the same; you know some introverts and perhaps a good number of them who masquerade as extroverts at work. Pick up a few tips on how they act when they're not having boundaries respected. They get freaky by the way. I do like the fact that Dembling doesn't act like one is better than the other- because there is 'no better'. Just different. And the more introverts and extroverts can peek over the fence to see what is going on the less crossed signals and that's good for everyone.I still think Dr. Elaine Aron's 'The Highly Sensitive Person' is the go to book for anyone who is an introverted personality (take the Myers Briggs test online if you don't know). It's much more detailed and like a user manual.
review 2: Introverts' tendency to think and respond slowly leads to long pauses, which are awkward on the telephone. Or they sound like invitations for the other person to keep talking. And when I try to just plunge in and chatter, I often careen out of control with stream of consciousness riffs that eventually confuse even me, until I sputter to a stop, disconnected thoughts and anecdotes and explanations drifting to the ground around me. Have I confused the other person as much as I confused myself? No telling because we have so little to go on. There's no "text and subtext, body language" as one introvert put it "I can't 'place myself' properly (if that makes sense,) when it's not face-to-face."If you absolutely must make an appearance, make an appearance. Nobody says you have to like it. Think of it as a job. Target a few people, shake a few hands, slap a back, and vamoose. Then, if you want to solidify any of the connections you made there, wow 'em with a follow-up email in that special introvert way you do.Sometimes you can get out of producing palaver by just winding up an extrovert and letting him or her go. A couple of good questions to start the other person talking and you can just stand back and smile until you excuse yourself to go to the bathroom. And they'll remember you as absolutely charming. less

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