Balancing Life with a Writing Project

A few months ago, it occurred to me that I am the only person that can produce the things I want to produce. The knowledge hit me in a way that I hadn’t understood it before. The only comparison is of a factory that needs to create goods: the goods will only be produced as long as the factory is in working order.

Whilst there were other factors that pinged from this idea, notably those of a creative nature, it occurred to me in the weeks that followed that in order to keep myself in order I have to accept some sacrifices and I have to adhere to the necessities. What I am letting go of and what I am telling myself I must do to preserve my focus.

Years ago I graduated with a Law degree and I was going to be a solicitor. During the degree I undertook three work placements and managed to ignore the instinctive dislike of working in a law firm on the basis that when I actually did it for a living, it would be different.

You can imagine my irritation when some time into a Paralegal role I jumped ship on the basis that it just wasn’t right for me. Four years of hard work essentially led nowhere and yet I still don’t regret the decision to live my life the way I have. It would be worse to have entered a career for the perks but completely hate what I did, hate what I took home with me and spend the time wishing I had the time to do what I gave the law route up for.

I had no plan to change careers: I was going to write a book, as had been my plan since school. And so, many years later, I am still working a job rather than starting my day seeing my 9-5 life as a stepping stone to a bigger picture. The truth is, since 2009, whatever my day job has been, it has been selected on the basis that it will be background sound.

At the  moment, my day job involves compiling reports. Lots and lots of reports. It is probably the most monotonous role I have ever worked but I like the company so I’ll stay there for the time being.

A dull job is a sacrifice that I’ve made. I get the usual envy when my friends talk about their careers; one of my most frightening conversations I’ve listened to but not engaged in was in the last few months when my friends talked about career changes, the underscore being that one had achieved almost everything she’d wanted and was ready to look for a new challenge. I almost had to mop my brow in terror but instead I spent the next day realising that a career is open to me at any point but that at the moment I want to concentrate on something else.

When I remember that my dull job is a choice, I don’t give into the feeling of failure that I feel the surface life suggests.

It would be great if I’d stumbled into one of those dull job routes that paid loads of cash to make itself seem more appealing, but unfortunately I haven’t. The truth is that I am more broke – actually laughably broke – than I have been in years. But is it enough to just about manage on? Yes. The other question I found myself asking a lot when I considered money a sacrifice in this project was what I actually needed. A holiday would be great right now, as would a car but do I actually need either of those things? Could it be that the local woods and fields and river paths and bridges could be enough to satisfy the days out that I need? Yes, of course they are – it will just take some planning ahead to make sure I still plan rewards.

I’m sure everyone has experienced the lack of one or more of the following and the reason this post felt like a necessity in itself was to consider the importance of looking after yourself when you’re engaging in a cross between passion and something that has the potential to drive you mad because some days it works beautifully and other days every word you write is wrong, your paragraphs hate you and the thousands and thousands of words read as mulch.

I once had a cushion with that phrase ‘To sleep, perchance to dream’. I haven’t thought about that in a while but it strikes me that sleep is the greatest solution to most of life’s problems. I don’t have trouble sleeping unless I’m worried or excited. I have pre-bedtime triggers (candlelit baths and a specific time at which my outfit of the day turns into pyjamas).

Not only is it necessary to avoid burn out, emotional and mental stress but our minds are beautifully complex. How many times have you slept at the end of the ‘worst day ever’ only to wake and realise that it wasn’t as bad as it felt before bed? This has happened too many times to me just in the past few weeks to underestimate the gift of sleeping. There is a powerful psychology going on in sleep that I swear by but do not understand and will not try to pretend a thesis on. What I do know is that a problem the night before should be left for the subconscious to deal with. That weird curtain at the back of our minds behind which all sorts of issues are turned in and out of themselves. Going to sleep simply lets us turn off so that our powerful brains can do the most important work, so sleep – and enough sleep – is an absolute necessity.

This is my worst one, especially at the weekends when I don’t have to sit in an office. Over the past few years, my culinary skills developed to the point that I had recipes in my head, meal plans in beautiful lists and a precise shopping list. I had fallen in love with food and cooked to relax, to create and to learn. Between one thing and another, food has been downsized to its dullest formula: food is fuel. The most I can do for myself is make sure that I eat when I’m hungry and I do.

The risk of not eating frequently is (again based on experience, not science) emotional and physical inertia. Moods dip when the body’s unfed and I’ve found myself exhausted and at the end of myself with no way to work myself out of it. Then I eat and I don’t feel nearly as bad. It’s common when we rely on our minds to produce the work; if instead of sitting at a table to write, we were standing at a start line to run a marathon, we’d make sure our bodies were well energised.

Two weeks ago I ran my first 5K in five years. It was ugly and panty and I stopped and started a lot but it felt good. I mean – it felt good when I stopped and when I remembered the feeling of being active. Yesterday I did 20 minutes of Pilates and resolved upon going to bed that it would be the first activity the following morning, It was not but I will roll out the cheery pink mat sometime later today.

I live on the back of a green open space and have the opportunity every day to get outside and stretch my legs but when my mind is on a project the last thing I feel inclined to do is move. Firstly, I’m worried I’ll lose my focus and secondly I just never feel like it.

But exercise feels good. It’s good for the body and for the mind. It releases happy hormones (or so I’ve read) and I’ve never once engaged in a physical activity only to feel worse mentally than I did before the endeavour. It goes hand in hand with everything else on this list – the mind is just part of the puzzle – to keep it productive, I have to remember the shell that houses it.

At some point I will write about failure or the fear of it, but taking time out of each day to talk to yourself about whatever is on your mind is one of the most helpful things we can do. Not only does it provide a record of how you think, but it aids writing massively. Knowing yourself as best as you can – your foibles, your patterns, your tendency to self-sabotage sets in steed a useful record when you feel yourself teetering. On the positive side, it’s an aid for chaos recovery – how did you deal with rejection that last time? What do you do when you’ve lost motivation?

Journals are useful material for writing projects, but most significantly they’re a written record of who you are and how you work. I’ve taken to writing first thing in the morning and last thing at night.

I live alone which means any mess made is my own.

I tidied up that very evening and it took one hour – one measly hour – to get the place looking less horrific looking. In the time before, as I strode from room to room ignoring the mess it stressed me out. Not only was it one more thing to do, but it’s horrible living around a mess.

Similarly, with general housekeeping: is there food in the cupboard? Are there bills to make sure are paid that week? Is there a property inspection coming up? Are there birthdays to remember, clothes to iron for costumes to wear to work?

It is just one of those things unless you have a cleaner or housekeeper, these things have to be done and as soon as they are, one more part of your mind is freed to focus on that day’s plan.

A parting thought and one inspired by a commute to work one day when I realised how simple showers are yet how underestimated. Not only do you have time to think, but you smell really nice afterwards.

And the upshot of all those necessities is that they’re absolutely free.

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