So here we are at Review Number 2. We’ve got a lot of the groundwork out of the way so hopefully this will be more snappy and things will become more slick as time goes on. Speaking of slick – imagine an oil slick. Imagine how difficult it is to clean up. How everything gets covered in it, and it’s totally disgusting. Now imagine it’s not oil, but vinegar. All will be revealed later!
For Soft Plays, I’m going to replace the Baby Change category with ‘Equipment’. I think it’s less likely that I’ll have a need to be taken to the Baby Change in a soft play, unless there has been a poo-splosion / exploshit. So that gives us the following categories:
General Ambience and Clientele, Food, Cleanliness, Seating Arrangements, Equipment, Any Other Business.
Here we go!
General Ambience and Clientele
In all fairness, we went to Humpty Dumpty’s in that magical time between Christmas and New Year when you don’t know what day it is, or if you are supposed to feeling festive still, and is it really ok to have chocolate for dinner and how many vegetables are actually still left in the fridge. I know this is my first holiday season but I have it on good authority that this is what it’s like every year.
In addition to all that, it was freezing, it was late, and so it wasn’t exactly the peak time for soft play. But, Mummy and Daddy being the kind of people who go to Pizza Hut on Boxing Day (see previous post), I guess that’s just how they roll.
So, basically, there was no one there. It was so deserted-looking from outside that Daddy insisted Mummy go check if it was open before he got me out of the car. When we got in, there was a small gathering of mums in one corner, and a couple of random children in the big children section, and in my bit, just one other baby / toddler. Mummy and Daddy paid the incredibly reasonable fee for entry and in we went and looked for somewhere to sit.
Like most soft plays, Humpty Dumpty’s manages to achieve that quintessential mix of light industrial and BRIGHT COLOURS style. It’s as if you have entered a small factory specialising in the production of plastic balls in primary colours and the machinery is made mostly of netting and polyester foam. I for one have from the very beginning particularly enjoyed the juxtaposition of steel portal frame and wipe clean vinyl platforms. The dull grey or off white of the insulated panel walls contrast wonderfully with the RED, GREEN, BLUE and YELLOW fixtures and fittings.
All in all, whilst it was deader than Tutankhamun in there, I feel it would be unfair to judge Humpty Dumpty’s on our unusual hours, so I’m giving it a 3/5.
Food
I didn’t have any food so I am reliant on Mummy and Daddy for this bit. Mummy had a chocolate chip shortbread thing and Daddy had a ‘chocolate rock’. Disappointingly, Daddy’s was not actually a rock but more of a cement. Both treats were quite…. dusty. In texture I mean, not that they were dirty. They were also served without plates, on napkins. Very unintentionally hipster.
You may recognise the above cup of tea as I have used the photo before. The tea was acceptably strong and builderish. It was served, avant-garde, with the tea bag still in situ. I like this as it provides the customer with the option of choosing their own preferred brownness and consistency. Others may prefer a teapot. Each to their own.
I wouldn’t say that Mummy and Daddy were delighted with the range of options available – I think they wanted some sort of cake but there wasn’t any. However, again maybe it wasn’t the best time to visit for the best selection. Overall, I’m going to give the food a 2/5.
Cleanliness
So mostly, it was perfectly fine. Mostly. On arrival, Mummy and Daddy were looking for somewhere they could plonk themselves which was acceptably close to the area I was supposed to be having fun in. There were a few empty seats and tables not too far away and so whilst Daddy arranged me out of my warmies, Mummy went to grab a seat. Daddy then took off his shoes, and while he was still holding me, he said a rude word under his breath. Then he said to Mummy “It’s wet! My feet are wet! And it smells! It’s vinegar!”
Again, to be entirely fair to Humpty Dumpty, they did have a wet floor sign out. On the other hand, for goodness sake, an entire corner of the seating area seemed to have been completely drenched in vinegar. It was like a vinegar pipe had burst, or a vinegar bomb had been dropped, or some other incident involving a ridiculous amount of vinegar had occurred. It was pretty stinky. Thankfully, I was in the air at this point and didn’t put MY feet into the ocean of vinegar, but Mummy and Daddy both ended up with feet that only required chips and salt to be a tasty meal.
The tables were covered in old food, napkins, cups, glasses and general detritus, but I think this is the case with Soft Plays everywhere so I can’t be too harsh about that.
I can happily report that the actual play area itself was mostly fairly clean with no visible vomit or poo at all. I’m not really big enough or old enough for the ball pit, so I didn’t investigate into it, but I’m sure it was fine. All in all, I think the vinegar has to have an impact here, despite the relative cleanliness elsewhere. 2/5.
Seating Arrangements
So around the baby area, there were some leather covered benches at the side, with standard 2-4 person tables, and normal chairs. Other than that, in the main bit, there were just lots of tables and chairs, it was kind of like a school canteen. I didn’t actually sit but I did see some high chairs and they looked like they would have been acceptable to me. The only area beside the baby section of the soft play was partially occupied by the few people that were there and partially drenched in vinegar so that wasn’t ideal, but Mummy soon found a table after the previous occupants left and it was fine. I have no real complaints about the seating so I’m going to give it a 3/5.
Equipment
Above is a view of my area of the soft play. As you can see, there was a large soft(ish) fish, a sort of bird thing, and a brown thing that might have been a horse but really I’m not sure. I had tremendous fun rolling the fish on the balls. I also had a great laugh trying to climb onto the bird thing (successful only once, but then I fell). I threw some balls about too.
The absolute highlight was the mirror you can see in the right of the picture, where I was able to stand up and admire myself for ages without interference. I was even able to kiss myself, which was a new and exciting experience.
I also made two friends, a boy who threw plastic balls at me, and a toddler girl without a supervising parent who talked a lot to Mummy and made Mummy feel a bit uncomfortable I think.
There was certainly enough to keep me amused and tire me out sufficiently to sleep on the way home. 4/5.
Any Other Business.
No other business except perhaps that maybe I will go back to Humpty Dumpty another time at a more normal time of year and review it again. In the interests of fairness.
That’s all from me for now – Humpty Dumpty’s Soft Play scores 14/25.
Next time – A FARM!
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