I was (still do) always having this suicide ideation since teenager. There were two reasons I had not committed suicide: first, lack of bravery; and second, I didn’t want to make a fuse (who’s going to clean up my room after I left? If people found my corpse, what about the mess? What about the funeral? What about the bla bla bla). So, here I am, regularly attacked by impostor syndrome, always getting frustrated when depression hits, and hopeless since I cannot find a way out. I’ve always thought that suicide is a way out, despite of anyone’s advice. Suicide is the only way to cut the pain away.
It’s changed though. I still think that suicide is the only way to end the pain. Things will always be as dark as it is, impostor syndrome will never go away voluntarily, and that way out I’ve been hoping for will never come anyway. However, after looking at the impact of suicide to someone who genuinely love you, I hold myself back.
It was heartbreaking to see how a mother’s feeling after her daughter committed suicide. The love that she has for her daughter is eternal, inspiring, and empowering. Her love was radiated so strong, it could shift how I think about me committing suicide. Of course, I will never know whether there’s someone out there who would love me that much. But, the thought of hurting and making someone sad stopped me to think about incarnating my suicidal thought.
Some people has forbidden me to commit suicide. Hell, I went into therapy (voluntarily) because I was still not brave enough to commit suicide but cannot even face the life I live in. I was skeptical. In my mind, I would response (I imagined myself screaming) with, “What the hell do you know what I should go through? I cannot bear this anymore! I cannot find a way out. I’m sick of it!!” But, she touched me without even giving any advice. She shifted my view without even knowing that I was suicidal.
The day I saw her radiant love, the day I promised myself to look the other way whenever suicidal ideation come. Again, I would never know who loves me so much the way she loves her children. I don’t expect someone will do. However, despite those notions, thinking that I could break someone’s heart like that, hurts me. So, I will try to live. I will try to take one step at a time, just focusing on that step I take.
