Title: Living Out Loud
Author(s): Christina Lee & Nyrae Dawn (Riley Hart)
Publication Date: September 7, 2017
Rating: ★★★★/ 4 Stars*
Genre: Contemporary, m/m romance
Ben Emerson has lived by his minister father’s rules most of his life. Born into an ultra-conservative church community, he’s finally brave enough to break free and move to San Francisco. Distancing himself certainly helps create a new mindset, but living as an openly gay man takes some getting used to. When he reaches out to Xavier, a childhood friend who lives in the city, Ben isn’t sure how he’ll respond given their thorny history. Ben hopes the familiar connection will help him right some wrongs as well as provide the solace he’s been craving.
Xavier Ramos is who he is, and he doesn’t give a damn what anyone thinks. Whether it’s eyeliner, nail polish, tattoos or his love of hooking up, he uses his body as a form of self-expression but doesn’t let anyone get too close. When Ben reenters his life, Xavier helps him experience the city and feel comfortable in his own skin. Seeing the world through Ben’s eyes, he begins to wonder if he’s also not living as freely as he thought.
When Xavier challenges Ben’s beliefs about sex, it becomes explosive—for both of them. Xavier breaks apart Ben’s sheltered world and shows him what it’s like to live out loud. The more time they spend together, the more Xavier begins to long for Ben in a different way—one that both surprises and scares him. But real life doesn’t fade into the background, so when Ben’s past comes knocking, old habits are hard to break. Testing the foundation of their deepening connection will take a trust that will either bind them…or tear them apart.
Content Warning: Ben comes from a Christian family that’s extremely homophobic and puts him through conversion therapy. He talks about it and there are images of what they did to him at those camps, so be cautious. *Also, although the words are used in a positive manner in regards to how they feel about one another, Ben and Xavier use “crazy” and “insane” a lot whether aloud or inwardly. Because I refuse to let this slide, I’ve decided to take a star off of my rating because of the ableist language.
Let me start that I honestly don’t get the need for a pen-name beyond any legalities, but I’m not an author hence I won’t be picky about this. For a book written by (what I presume are) allocishet women, this is an excellent m/m romance that didn’t for one minute bug me as a queer reader.
I started this book on a whim because I needed something sweet and whoa boy did I not know what I was going into. I rarely read blurbs, believe me, it’s my own misfortune, but thank god this one wasn’t too heavy. Since the blurb (once I actually read it) is very informative about what this book is about, I’ll talk about what I liked while reading the book.
I really liked the quick pacing of the events. It introduced the characters not through their own eyes but through actions towards others and that was a great method. I fell for Ben and Xavier by the way they behaved around one another. Whether in making up for past mistakes or just simply by being a helpful Sunshine, they both grew on me.
Their relationship kicks up very quickly, which I liked a lot. It felt like a smooth transition without any unnecessary miscommunication and drama. They were direct in what they wanted and how they felt.
Xavier’s need to help Ben feel more comfortable in his body was such a good thing to read. The way he himself approaches sex and his pursuit of sexual fulfillment was very beautifully written. Despite him experimenting with what he wears and such, there isn’t any confusion with what he labels himself. The addressing of topping and bottoming was great too. Ben’s curiosity and responsiveness was an excellent way to progress their relationship. He was vocal, even when a bit shy about what he wanted, until he unfurled into a beautiful butterfly… or would a dove be a better animal?
There is a lot of sex scenes in this. Expect them very explicit and very based on pleasure. Xavier experiments with very softcore BDSM (toys, a blindfold and spanking using his hand) all with Ben’s approval and encouragement. However, they also have a balanced friendship in which they seek one another for comfort and for advice. The end comes after some tiny angst but it’s very happy and warmed my heart.
As I mentioned in the Content Warning section, Ben’s background can be triggering. Since I come from a religious background, it struck a cord. I don’t know if it’s a good one or not since I’m not out, but I definitely related so much to Ben’s anxiety and fear of his parents. It feels good to see positive representation come out of horrible circumstances such as Ben’s. Also, the topic of abandonment and found family is a big theme as Xavier deals with his own array of suppressed fear of abandonment due to his father and step-mother’s lack of love for him.
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