Real talk. I really need to start saying yes to some new experiences. Relational and recreational.
I have only ever been in one longer term relationship, which was only about a year in length. In truth, relationships scare me. In high school, if a boy liked me, I didn’t know what to do with that information. Often, it sent me fleeing in the other direction. Today, not much has changed. I still get anxious if sparks start to fly or if a guy even seems modestly interested. I am afraid to put myself out there, because what if said guy doesn’t like what he sees? Then it would confirm all my fears about my inadequacies. For a long time, I also feared the physical and emotional intimacy of all of it. It was terrifying to think of being so vulnerable because the repercussions of messing up would cut that much deeper.
I have combatted some of this since beginning therapy, but there are still a lot of lingering issues. As such, I tend to keep my distance from anything relationship-related and stick to what I know. This year, I’d like to say yes to new experiences in dating. I have been out on more dates in the last year than any before, but I still tend to run for the hills quickly. If I don’t feel an immediate attraction, if I pick up on one thing about them I don’t like, I’m finding a reason not to have a second date.
So really, I want to start saying ‘yes’ to that second date. Or third date. Or forth. In my mind, I want to skip all the introductory stuff and just get to the part where we are deeply in love. I want the committed relationship without having to get through that awkward period where we are figuring it out. That’s not life though. Knowing this, I want to say yes to really getting to know other people, even though that’s literally terrifying.
Now let’s talk about the recreational things I want to say yes to. There are things I have wanted to do for months. Years, even. Skills I want to learn. Experiences I want to have. I’d really love to take a photography class. I’d also like to take a class in self-defense. There are so, so many places I want to go. Italy. Ireland. I’d settle for a vacation to a new place I’ve never been.
What makes doing all of these things scary is really the thought of doing them alone. I hate being in a room of people where I don’t know anyone. Though it’s irrational, I feel like everyone’s eyes are poring over me, judging. Once, I pushed myself to go to Zumba alone, but I never mustered up the courage to go back. Clearly, I don’t have a significant other to pull along for the ride, and even once I do, not every interest I have going to line up. Thus, I need to say yes to venturing out into the world and doing things that excite me. I need to say yes to doing those things on my own.
On the flip side, one other thing that I should really start saying “yes” to, as silly as it sounds, is to saying no. Does that mean I should just be saying no? Well, maybe. But that’s not what the prompt asked for, is it?
What I mean when I say I need to “say yes to saying no” is that I need to say yes to choosing myself. This has been a struggle for me in the past. I frequently agree to do things that I don’t have time for or that overwhelm me just because I’m afraid of disappointing someone else. For example, babysitting on a weekend even after a long week of work. I’ll often be torn because I want the time off but I’m afraid if I do not take the job then I am lazy. In the end, I usually end up choosing to do what is more convenient for the other person so I don’t have to suffer the guilt.
Instead, I need to say yes to choosing myself. I need to value myself enough that choosing myself is worth the decision.
Another thing I struggle to say no to? Plans! If my friends are doing something, you can bet that I am going to be there too. Most of the time, this is a good thing, because I can benefit from social exposure. But I am the type of person that forces myself to attend something even if what I really need is a night alone. On New Years Eve, I did this to myself. I forced myself out of the house to my cousins even though what I really wanted was to cuddle up and read a book. Why? Because this is NYE! I’m supposed to have exciting plans like everyone else! The fear of missing out is strong with me. I need to start saying yes to nights in bed, if that’s what I need.
The good news is, I did this recently! Twice!
First, I fired another family that I babysit for. That may sound harsh, but I just mean that I told them that I’m not currently babysitting on weekends anymore. I’ve worried about doing this for awhile. I hate telling families that I don’t want to work for them anymore. Doing it, there is always an impulse is to go back on that decision because I know that isn’t what they are expecting. However, you know what I hate more? The commute to where these people live. The kids are fine mostly, but they can have an attitude and it just isn’t worth the money I make. So I am their babysitter no more and it was so liberating.
Second, I made an appointment with my therapist for a Monday afternoon, even though I’m supposed to have internship. I wavered about this decision, feeling anxious that skipping internship made me a poor student. Ultimately, I decided that me needing to talk to therapist about an important topic was the priority and I’m sticking to that decision. Therapist sounded pretty proud when I told her that over the phone on Thursday. Yay for saying yes!
That’s all I’ve got for this one. Say yes to new things, friends! It’s just another way to show yourself that you are worthy of love and care and hard work.
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