All the while I thought it would be easier to write something that is still fresh in your memory. After all, it happened only couple of days ago. But after staring at the blinking cursor for about half an hour, I couldn’t get myself to write anything. It’s almost like what the song says, where do I begin? But ours isn’t a love story, is it? I honestly don’t think that it is. It’s just a story, plain and simple. But that night was one for the books. It was nothing spectacular but the moments, every single one of it, are memories that I will definitely remember fondly with a smile on my face.
I didn’t think I’d see you again, to be honest. The last conversation we had just threw me off. And the last time we saw each other? Man, I had to put my poker-est face ever just to hide how furious I was. I’m surprised myself that it still mattered to me when it shouldn’t have anymore. I guess it is a manifestation that you meant that much to me. I’ve put you on a pedestal for such a long time. For me, you were the only constant thing in this life that’s ever-changing. And to finally realize how wrong I was about you, I’ve been totally and terribly disheartened.
There you are, I thought to myself as I saw you walked in through the door of the café. The wait was shorter than I expected. I used to kill time waiting for you for an hour or two, and sometimes even longer. I shook my head in awe that you’ve arrived already just after two puffs and one sip of coffee. I smiled and waved at you. I just couldn’t help myself. I was really glad to see you. Still dashing, I sighed as I watched you walk towards me. I kidded on your promptness and noticed that you’ve lost some weight. And just like the old times, we talked as if nothing happened.
I have always been the talker, and you the listener. That’s one thing that I really like about us – I can tolerate you not talking and you can get by with my non-sense ramblings. We can even manage sitting in silence for hours without saying a word. I still cannot comprehend even up to this day how we are able to do that. While on the way to the party, I nodded on the distance between us at the back seat of the car. Just enough space to breathe, I said trying to calm myself. Damn, my heart still races when you’re near. Can you imagine? After all these years, you still got a way with me.
It bothered me when you asked, what happened to you? Being the man of few words that I’ve known you to be, you must have noticed something very wrong with me. I mentally ran down on possible things – Did I gain too much weight? Is my make up off? Does my hair look terrible? Is my dress too lousy? But when I asked what you mean by that, I knew that you’d say never mind. It’s so you. So I just said you go ahead and tell me what you’ve been up to. And of course you wouldn’t talk and said there was nothing to tell. I really, really hate it when you say that.
But there’s one thing that I hate more than your template answers. I don’t want to waste time when I’m with you so I tried to be creative and asked you to tell me your daily routine instead of just sitting in silence. But at the back of my mind, I was actually ranting. Why did you do lie to me, you jack*ss! Did you really have to hurt me like that? Why couldn’t you be honest with me? How many times are you going to break my heart? And why, why on earth that you can still hurt me this way? Can I kick you out of this car and throw you off the window? Or can I just whack your big head with my Michael Kors?
I looked out the window while robotically telling you about my worries. I knew I had a Julia Roberts in me. So I let you go on thinking it was my situation that’s upsetting me. But deep inside, what I really wanted to rave about was totally different. Do you know that feeling of being alone in a sea of people? Have you ever been surrounded by so many people and yet you feel invisible? Have I ever told you that I was crushed when you left me? Oh yes, I know I was the one who broke up with you. But did you ever know that you left first before I did?
I’ve been feeling really distraught but the party must go on, right? After all, we were there to have fun. So yeah, I tried my best to let the music, the food and beer take their spotlight. My head throbbed because of the loud music, my churning stomach won’t let the food in and the beer kept on pouring. From time to time I tried to focus and looked ahead in one direction to keep my shit together, what with my head feeling like floating under water and the world spinning around. I thought, damn I’m drunk. I mentally called on all the saints I know and prayed for me not to trip when walking. I hate that the most.
While the band was playing and your attention was wandering all over the place, I pretended to be phoning. But I was actually staring at you from my phone camera and took a quick stolen shot. I missed you so much, my mind screamed. I took a trip to the restroom and spent a good amount of time collecting my shit together for the nth time that night. I clutched my chest so hard. I didn’t understand where the pain was coming from. After taking deep and slow breathes, I retouched my make up and went back to the ballroom complaining about how bad the band singer’s voice resonated inside the ladies’ room.
And then the band sang their last song, it was time to end the night. I was wobbly alright but I really wanted so bad to hold your hand. I needed the support to keep me steady but it was your warmth that I needed more. And so I did, of course with the excuse that I couldn’t walk straight. As we reached the rear end of the forum, it hit me. The night has come to an end. I panicked. I wanted more. So I conjured Julia Roberts once again and asked if I can puff a little. I lit up that slender stick and moved in front of you. I need to block your sight so you won’t see. I leaned back to rest my head on your shoulder and said, pasandal.
Overhead, the full moon would have definitely seen the glimmer in my eyes. I leaned back a little more in hopes to keep the stupid tears from falling and distracted you by my non-stop chatter. If I could just chain myself with you, I would. I wanted to kill myself for the all the wrong feelings that’s overwhelming me. I never thought that I would miss being in your arms. And after all the awful things you have done, I realized that I still trust you. Because if I didn’t then I wouldn’t have let myself loose like that. But that realization made me sad even more. Because I knew that all these feelings don’t matter anymore.
I turned around abruptly and I swear to God I fought so hard not to kiss you. At that moment, I wanted to tell you – The first time I was abandoned, I almost died with anger. The second time I was left behind, I almost died of sadness. But when we were over, I just died. But you wouldn’t know because even when you were all ears and listened, you did not understand. And you never will. Of course I didn’t say it out loud. All I said was that we missed the after party and turned the other way to puff some more. But I promised myself that the night will end with a kiss.
And it did, at the very last minute, after summoning all the insanity and courage left in me. But more than that brief kiss, it was the tender embrace that made me break down on the other side of the door after you left. It was the scariest feeling in the world, that while you were holding me I didn’t want to let go. I wanted so bad to stop the time so that tomorrow never comes. I said to myself a thousand times that I loathed you. At times I really did. But what pains me the most is that no matter what you’ve done, you’re still buried somewhere in my heart.
They say that the perigee moon is a rare phenomenon. And since it is rare, it is something to look forward to. Anything that comes and happens once in a lifetime is always something to look forward to, isn’t it? People will be waiting with excitement and will stare at the moon in complete awe, while there’s me – a lonely being that whenever the moon shines, your face is all that I would see; a solitary presence that whether the moon goes perigee or blue, will always think of you.
Cue in music: “Stone cold, stone cold, you see me standing but I’m dying on the floor. Stone cold, stone cold, maybe if I don’t cry I won’t feel anymore. Stone cold, baby, God knows I try to feel happy for you. Know that I am even if I can’t understand. I’ll take the pain, give me the truth. Me and my heart will make it through. If happy is her I’m happy for you.”
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