READ: What Wind?. PDF, EPUB online free reviews.

So the standing joke on the ranch is that newcomers, out-of-towners, basically anyone who doesn’t live in this area comes in and says “Gosh, it’s windy outside! I can’t believe it! 50 mph gusts? All week???!!! How do you do it?”

To which we say, “What wind?”

Yeah, windy days from now until sometime in the summer are the norm. But even the locals disagree on just HOW windy it gets. From what I gather, it’s a little crazier than normal. And a lot less snow, which worries a lot of us. Since we don’t irrigate our ranches (we have wells and earthen dams but you don’t really water yuccas on purpose), we depend on snowfall and rain. Luckily this summer was pretty wet but the winter, which usually affords us a good 5-10″ of snowfall hasn’t happened regularly. Instead, we had a 75 degree day yesterday on the ranch. Except for the wind breeze, it’s perfect springtime beer and wine drinking weather. A little breezy but seriously gorgeous. And the trees are blooming. And I’m getting Spring Fever. All I want to do is go outside and plant things and dig in dirt. But here’s the ironic twist to all that. I can’t because it’s too damn windy breezy.

All this Spring Fever, however, has kept me from blogging. So let’s fix it! Because right now it’s ridiculously windy breezy.

Let’s start with fun stuff.

CHICKENS. I have more chicks! There’s such a thing as chicken math. The rule of chicken math is that you never count your chickens, hatched or not. You just don’t. Instead, you guesstimate how many you have. I now have 15 plus a guinea; more on that later. Then you subtract any retired cluckers: that brings me down to 12. Roosters? 11 chickens. Any chicks or pullets who aren’t in laying mode yet? 4. So really I only have 4 chickens. And I get 5 eggs a day. Confused yet? Good! Because that’s the point of chicken math. If you don’t know how many you have, how is it an addiction? According to a few teachers I know it makes as much sense as common core math.

CATTLE. The ladies are doing great and the guys are happy to do their job! We lost one calf in late December and we are pretty sure they made boyfriend and girlfriend one starry night. They’re starting to get their maternal instincts in because one time Nacho tried to bark at them and they tried to trample him. I love my dogs but sometimes they need to know who’s boss. Around here, it’s the actual profit makers.

ALPACAS. I literally rarely ever see them. They’ve got 640 acres to roam and avoid the cattle, so they’re basically just feral alpacas. Still love them, though.

HORSES AND PONY. They’re still here, fat as ever, because they eat cake with the cows. Not human cake because I don’t share but giant pellet of feed made for livestock. Anyway, they love it and hang out with the cows because they get a little extra feed that way. Penelope is seriously gangster, by the way. She’ll run her little short legs up and get in the way of the cows when she think I’ve got food. She’s a hot mess.

HUMANS. We are great! We’ve had a ton of adventures lately, like checking out Great Wolf Lodge (LOVED IT and met some great staff members in the salon during our manicures. Oh, and the water park is the perfect size and the lifeguards aren’t sitting around – they’re working! OH, and how can I forget the bar? Yeah, full bar. You’re welcome.) Plus, I defeated the Dragon in MagiQuest. You walk around the hotel with a plastic wand; it’s basically a scavenger hunt but with 10 year old kids trying to help you find the dragon’s lair. I looked crazy until I beat it. Then they worshipped my awesomeness. I celebrated with a margarita.

We also went skiing. OK. Let me stop here. See, I don’t ski or swim well. Yes, I’ve been to the slopes and swam a sprint triathlon but I don’t ski or swim. I do it when provoked. It’s like people who say they only run when being chased. I only swim or ski when being chased. So, in good Red Lips fashion, we hit the slopes with our dear friends in Angel Fire. I still don’t get the point of going fast downhill on ice but I do have to say I had fun. The little one and I went to ski school. She got her first taste of snow (literally – poor thing fell on her face) and I ruled that bunny slope. I do have to say that the instructor made it a great day. Years ago (and possibly around the time I developed a distaste for skiing) my husband tried to teach me. “You just go” he said. “Pizza pie and french fry”. “Just fall, you’ll be ok.” Seriously, that was the lesson. After falling about 3 or 4 (or 25 I don’t remember) times I decided my day was best spent at the bar. But a new teacher, a better idea of what to do, and I was commanding the slopes for about 10 minutes before I was just tired. I’ve never slept so soundly.

I’m still “The Lips Lady” and love matching every lady to their perfect lip color! I mean, seriously, Clayton, NM has some gorgeous lips walking around. If you need help finding yours, contact me! Not only that, I’m LOVING the wine selections at viaOneHope. I still can’t pick a super duper favorite because then I crack open another one and it’s this crazy love connection. Wine is my Spirit Animal.

Oh, and special thanks to Kalyn G. who named Bert and Ernie AND also hooked me up with Girl Scout Cookies. Y’all. I wasn’t joking. Feel free to send me cool stuff.