What an age to be alive! What an age to be conscious of my position in the social hierarchy of the U.S.! What a time to make a career in social justice… All while being a social networking junkie!
I call this page “Snowflake” as a play against the folks who criticize social liberalism for being “overly” sensitive and “easily offended”. Urban dictionary explains that:
snowflakes describe extreme liberals that get offended by every statement and/or belief that doesn’t exactly match their own. These individuals think they are just as “unique” as snowflakes, when really their feelings are just as fragile.
In other words, snowflakes are conservatives’ bogeyman because there’s no such thing as people that are offended “every” time with beliefs that aren’t “exact” to their own. (Sidenote: by conservatives I mean people who are in some way condoning oppression, attempting to conserve the status quo). Unless one’s ill or a toddler, it is impossible for anyone to navigate the world with this fabricated disposition. Also, I don’t know why its problematic for people to believe they are unique, since we are. Finally, “fragile feelings”? Great! Let’s discuss that.
But first, let me be more specific about the dynamic I’m referring to. This thing I’m talking about happens most often in social media, when one is calling out another for shitty behavior. The offenders usually draw their guns immediately and claim the challenge to be an “overreaction”, an uncalled for “oversensitivity”. Rather than perceiving the challenge as an invitation to reflect, they take it as an attack. In these instances, these folks aren’t interested in sustaining dialogue, respectfully engage in the exchange of ideas, or seek to deepen understanding. They usually speak out of frustration/anger, base their position in their past, and abandon conversations, ultimately displaying limited tolerance to engage. Even worse, sometimes they become abusive.
Also read: How ‘Snowflake’ Became America’s Inescapable Tough Guy Taunt
To the person who challenged their idea, this reaction is crazy-making because they simultaneously watch the person react in the way they’re denouncing. In one conversation, my friend asked a man why he used the word “bitch” in the title of a song he released. His home boys quickly jumped down their throat, denouncing the question and making all kinds of assumptions.
How dare they question the use of this word in a song? He can say whatever he wants. It’s not that big of a deal. What about “real” oppression? What an extremist, a troll, a victim, and a crybaby. Per usual, some men chimed in to play devil’s advocate. Some mansplained. One guy said he was tired of coddling adults who censor people. They claimed to be censored because they were told to have a seat for mansplaining about a topic they didn’t understand well. Ooooh, how dare they be told to shut up? (They brought this up several times). Another said “this garbage” pushed him away from the “liberal party”. He couldn’t “stomach this”. Every so often, a woman chimed in to agree with the dudes trying to say the word “bitch” wasn’t offensive because they didn’t think so.
Having been in and having witnessed this exchange far too often, it begs the question, who really is offended here?” As the quality of being delicate, easily broken or damaged, fragility leads us to allow our uglier sides to come out and act outside of our humanity.
Snowflake “works in two ways. It melts under the heat, it has no backbone, no spine, no guts, no spirit, anything. It just fades away as soon as people are nasty to it. And the other side is the special side of it. Every little snowflake is different and has its own identity.
–Jessica Goldstein for Think Progress
For modern social exchange to take place, it is necessary to be kind, (or at least refrain from being rude), reasonable, and mature in a way that intentionally avoids hurting ourselves or others. We generally expect certain conditions such as refraining from interrupting, name-calling, put downs, etc. Within these exchanges, a degree of tolerance needs to be present from both sides to accept what the other is saying.
In these conversations, I usually witness the breakdown in the ability to engage from the people who do the “snowflake” calling, the ones whose beliefs are being challenged. Spineless much? Rather than attempt to stick to the essence of the discussion to address the issue being raised, they end up derailing the conversation and succeed in shutting it down. They often resort to making jokes, attack the person (ad hominem), attempt to humiliate them, curse, call them names, dismiss them, insult their intelligence, etc. Who is the intolerant person here? Who is the snowflake? The one challenging people for using derogatory language that demeans marginalized people or those who expect that they should continue to operate however they want in public and remain unchecked?
And so we live in an age that feels paralyzed, stuck, unable to even grow like a baby does. It is failing the most basic test of all: the test of ignorance, of folly, of being unable to see, hold, mature, develop, grow. History is easy to forget — and it’s easiest of all to take it for granted when you are the one who has not learned from it yet. What do you call a world that can’t learn from itself? It is not even a baby. It is something more like an old man, on the edge of darkness. -Umair Haque
Progressive/social liberals push against patriarchal and white conventions regardless if people are put off by it. I am ok when people are offended if I denounce their support of sexism, homophobia, racism, and other forms of interpersonal toxicity (gossip, dishonesty, betrayal, etc.). I don’t care to lose white folks in my life who become offended about my unapologetic anti-racist advocacy. I will continue to talk about white supremacy and criticize whiteness regardless of how it makes white folks cringe.
I am a person who is not easily offended. I dish tough shit and I am capable of taking it. Not that I should have to. I even work at a jail! As a queer, Mexican, woman from a family of immigrants, in this country, I am insulted at every moment of my existence to some degree, yet I deal. I was raised in an abusive household. I have been called every name imaginable (in two languages) and had all my insecurities shoved in my face for entertainment. Mexican humor has no regards for people’s feelings. If at any point, you become upset while being the butt of a joke, Mexicans will give you a hard time about your intolerance. Now a days, there are few people that I give the power to personally hurt me. I have also triumphed past my fair share of adversity and have developed some pretty “thick skin” because of it. It is not necessarily a good thing that I have a high tolerance for abuse nor do I think we should be promoting that.
When people challenge injustice, it’s inaccurate to say that they’re necessarily “offended”. It is totally possible for people can disagree without feeling resentful or annoyed. Like my friend in the FB exchange I mentioned. They asked, “Why use the word ‘bitch’?” Which unleashed the reaction from many men.
When people become defensive and engage by derailing conversations, it is due to their fragility which is often emotional, indignant, and void of humility. In this state, people get further away from taking accountability for their behavior. In therapy sessions, when people become defensive, the technical antidote is to listen to their “snowflakiness”. As a therapist, it is a queue for me to appease the subject of my therapy by holding space for them to express their unique experience as an individual in the world. They come out of defensiveness once they have been heard and validated. It is not until people have had this that they are able to step out of their feelings and return to reason. It works like a charm. A skill these folks could use is to be more readily open towards becoming accountable for their poor behavior without making attempts to justify themselves.
Even MORE ironic (or moronic) is when people are abusive and/or defensive they demand to be heard because they believe to be misunderstood. As a Social Worker and marginalized person, I have spent most my life studying social justice, violence, oppression, etc., experiencing it myself, and participated in countless conversations about it. However, the folks that get defensive when I challenge their justifications for hurting people believe that, in all their self-aggrandized glory are gonna say something unique and brilliant to me that I haven’t heard or considered before. If only I would listen! Now if that’s not some snowflaky and self-deluded bullshit… I don’t know what is. I will add that when I do make the space to hear their explanations, I never think afterwards, ‘Wow, this person was right, I had them all wrong all along! I had never heard or considered such a new and eloquent response as to why they chose to be (violent/sexist/ racist/abusive, etc)!’
We all could do better in these conversations. Even thought I have tons of practice doing it, I am far from perfect. I certainly get into my feelings sometimes. Not that there is anything wrong with having feelings. I can understand why people have such a hard time engaging on this level. But to shame people for potentially having feelings or sensitivities to injustice is problematic in more ways than I’ve discussed. My go-to behavior when I am exacerbated is to resort to humor, curse, and to insult people’s intelligence down (as evidenced above). Feel free to hold me to my own standards if you ever see me sink to these distasteful behaviors. If someone calls me out on bullying someone or otherwise behaving poorly, I’m not gonna be like, “Well, they’re snowflakes for not being able to tolerate my insults”.
Read: When we’re Triggered: How to Stop Reacting Defensively.
As a whole, especially in these times, we must get better at being challenged by others especially by those over whom we have power (children, people who are disabled, employees, the homeless, ill, etc.), and those in social situations more marginalized than our own (most often trans folks, native and indigenous people, black people, undocumented people, etc.).
People are experts in their own experience and it is extremely insensitive to challenge their positions and knowledge regarding their identities or lives. Creating a better world is in everyone’s best interest. To improve our own conditions and allow our future generations to exist, we must intentionally focus on living in a way that maximizes benefit and minimizes harm. As a nation we have proved that we’re completely incompetent at this. We must do better.
Peace and love ya’ll, thanks for reading! More later.
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