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Wired For Love: How Understanding Your Partner's Brain And Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict And Build A Secure Relationship (2012)

by Stan Tatkin(Favorite Author)

4.11 of 5 Votes: 4

ISBN

1608820580 (ISBN13: 9781608820580)

languge

English

genre

Nonfiction

publisher

New Harbinger Publications

review 1: I read this book because my and my ex's couple's therapist recommended it. I wanted to make sure I don't make the same mistakes again. This book is easy to read and pretty interesting, which is good for me, because generally I don't like reading non-fiction. It divides people up into Anchors, Islands, and Waves, depending on their personality and how they act in relationships. I found that according to this book, I am definitely an island, and I should date other islands, or anchors. Anchors are those perfectly balanced people who are perfectly secure and not threatened by anything. Sadly, my ex was a wave. The book gives lots of advice on how to be a good couple - you need to create a Couple Bubble in which your partner comes first all the time, you don't talk to o... morether people about your problems unless you talk to your partner first, you are tethered to your partner. They actually use that word. Also, you have to get to know your partner so well that you can soothe and manage their fears by finding out what traumatized them in childhood because we all will continue to react that way. It sounds like a pretty good system, but I think it oversimplifies. Some of the recommendations just would not work for me. I think the author is just not an introvert, like me. Being tethered to another person, having to tell them everything (and having to listen to everything they have to say) all the time, comes down to never having time or space for myself, and that alone would make me really unhappy. Glad I read it, but also glad to know that it would not have helped my relationship with my ex. Oh well.
review 2: I found the first several chapters to contain useful information, categorized in a way that made sense to me, and including what seem to be some good suggestions for increasing understanding about self and partner. I think the book's worth a read just for the earlier stuff on the primitive vs. more peace-making or "ambassador" parts of the brain, and how they can impact emotionally charged discussion, as well as simplified ways of thinking about attachment styles (anchor/ island/ wave) and recognizing/responding to one another's needs. I think we could have some interesting and potentially very useful discussions around that at some point.In the middle chapters, I appreciate the "couple bubble" concept, and agree with the idea that for any long-term relationship to work and provide a mutual sense of security following a healthy "audition" period, two people must eventually agree that they're one another's go-to and highest priority for certain things, and be willing to look out for each other under various circumstances. The specific ways in which he suggests partners should be there for each other are useful, in that they help one consider many of the "little but important things" that are easy to overlook. For example, as I think back to my own childhood, bedtime rituals were important and soothing, and I understand how bedtime/wakeup rituals today can be mutually beneficial for enhancing attachment and intimacy, nervous system regulation, etc.But for some of the practices the author discusses, I think he gets a bit overzealous, and I found myself wondering whether there's a slightly less enmeshed-seeming way of doing what he suggests. Perhaps that would involve picking and choosing certain practices that are important to one or both partners, while ignoring others, or perhaps practicing the habits to a less-extreme extent. But perhaps that's some of my own wave/occasional island tendencies talking. Also, he seems to imply that even honest and ethically practiced non-monogamy is an island's defense strategy against deeper commitment, which is true sometimes but not always. Nonetheless, some of his thoughts on handling "thirds" and honest info sharing may be particularly pertinent to maintaining a strong primary partner bond in a range of relationship situations, even if in practiced in a modified way. less

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