My apologies for the late update! Yours truly had a hellish two days of nonstop rehearsal, then a concert immediately afterward. Today’s update will be as usual, though, and Oxer’s will follow later. It’s a good one, so I hope it’s worth the wait!
Featured photo by Zen Photographer
– Wysteria ❤+ Phoenix
Ice tints the air as I slip out the door. Everything is pitch-black, even the sky, which fades into the treetops a little too seamlessly. But it’s much better than inside. At least here I can lean against the side of the house and breathe, even if the air burns as it goes down.
A lot just happened.
My hands are still shaking horribly, probably in part because of the cold. Besides Josephine and everything… I almost kissed Elias. He almost kissed me. It feels like I’m nothing but air – air with a very fast heartbeat and a smile that refuses to be shut down. I hide my face with my hands as a laugh bubbles up in my throat.
Oh God. It’s going to be impossible to face him now.
But who cares? All I want is to get out of this party so I can try again, maybe without an audience of hundreds this time. And he feels the same – or, at least, some variation of it. I can hardly form words just thinking about it.
Standing out here and getting frostbite won’t win me any pageants, though. Just as I’m about to head back, something bright and navy blue flashes in the corner of my vision.
I freeze, whip around. There’s nothing but trees and frozen ground that crunches as I step onto it, squinting in the dark.
Wait – there. Another streak of blue, disappearing behind a pack of trees. Almost like… the Violetwood.
I’m turning around and scrambling for the door before I know what’s happening, fumbling for the doorknob, making a frantic attempt to retrace my steps without the luxury of vision. Panic seizes and blazes through me as I grab the doorknob. Of course this party was too normal. I should’ve known. Valk and Hana could be anywhere –
The door bursts open, and what’s in front of me is so awful I forget about the sin.
Elias. Right in the middle of the party. Kissing a girl.
I choke. Standing there in the doorway like an idiot, an idiot who is suddenly unable to breathe, blinded by the bright light. It has to be someone who looks like him. His entire family has red hair. But when I wrench myself to the side for a better view, it’s exactly him, and I wish I had stayed in place and never looked at all.
The image blurs. Something lodges in my throat and I can’t even feel the doorframe anymore, there’s nothing to anchor me, and I can’t tell if I’m falling or floating.
Vaguely I register tears in my eyes. I’m not even sure they’re there but it doesn’t matter anyway, I barely feel human.
Something is blue.
The one thing that reaches through my haze – navy blue, the same color as the maybe-sin outside. Regardless of how much it hurts, I force myself to gulp in air and blink away the fog. It’s the exact same image as before, but if I focus, I have a much more detailed view. Of the important stuff, at least, because Elias is glowing bright blue.
I curse and spring away from the door. How selective is my vision? He’s not even into girls. Good Lord. The realization sets in like gasoline, and everything in me lights on fire, just like it did with Josephine.
Of course it’s painful to watch. But Elias is hurt, he’s the possessed one, this is why that girl was hitting on everyone and now he’s in danger. Everything else can wait. I swallow the tears and burn one thought into my mind: Elias is hurt and it’s Lust’s fault.
I march inside.
From the first step, there’s a difference. Something sweet tints the air – a flower I can’t place – and the scandalized gasps I expected are nothing more than an awkward buzz. The quartet’s bows keep sliding on their strings. When I look over, one is blushing like mad and fighting to keep her gaze on her music.
In any other circumstance, I’d be scared out of my mind, but now I just shiver and keep moving. There’s no time. I fight my way through the sea of awkward glances as something burns at the edges of my mind – not like the burning I felt when I realized it was Lust, but something that feels like a flower smells. A little sweet, a little…
No. Lust.
I grit my teeth and whack it away, because Elias is in danger, I don’t have time for –
Elias.
The sin latches onto his name like a parasite. Fear spears my heart as I realize that’s exactly what’s in my head, poking around my thoughts, but I have no time for fear. A whole slideshow of him is already flashing by. The sin flits around, flipping by each memory like it’s leafing through a book.
Keep walking keep walking no no no –
I don’t want this. It’s awful. Having a rose in your face for an extended period of time is not pleasant, and neither is this sin, burning through all the nice memories I’ve had. Looking for what? Animalistic desire?
Then it’s not going to find it. With a new burst of determination, I squeeze my eyes shut and yank the sin out of my mind.
It goes exactly as I envisioned. There’s one final burn like it’s digging it’s claws in, then nothing. When I open my eyes again, my head is clear. No weird floral fog over everything, which means I need to get to Elias. I’ve wasted enough time.
The people around me are starting to move, but I don’t care. I storm the rest of the way over to Elias, grab his shoulder, and jerk him away from the girl.
The runes covering him are in full view now. They crawl up his neck, along the edges of his face, anywhere they can find purchase. The glow is so bright it hurts to look at, but I’ll bear it. Nothing can be worse than what I saw a few minutes ago.
And if there was any doubt about whether Elias had developed a sudden interest in women… that look in his eyes is not Elias. Not at all.
It hurts even glowering at him like this. I can’t shake the feeling that this is still his body, that I’m hurting him. Somehow.
But that is not an attitude that exorcises sins. My face twists into a snarl like it hasn’t in forever as I tighten my grip on his – its – shoulder and snap, “Get the hell out of him or you’ll spend the rest of your life trapped in the most uncomfortable object I can find.”
— Hana
Someone might as well have dropped a bomb.
Maybe a five-hundred-pound blanket would be a better comparison, because the air is suddenly heavy, stagnant. I force myself to close my mouth and blink a few times as it all sinks in.
I could go off on a huge tangent about how this explains a hell of a lot. I could ramble for hours about how everything just stopped, even though a spark lights when I think of Valk’s dad hitting her. His fucking child. And Valk, of all people, who deserves all the hugs in the world.
But fuck it, the tangent can wait. Right now Valk is sobbing and I need to help.
I wrap my other arm around her, nudge her head against my shoulder. Her whole body is shaking with sobs (and probably the cold, too). I lean my head against the side of hers, words pushing at my throat, never materializing. Nothing more than noises, really.
Because what do you say about this? That it sucks? Of course it does, and silence is better than some store-bought “it gets better!” bullshit.
But I can try, at the very least.
“Valk, I…” A sigh. “I’m sorry. I – “
She’s not shaking anymore.
When I pull my head away to look, it’s like she’s entered a coma. Barely breathing, dead-fish expression: everything that happened when she woke up screaming from that nightmare.
Shit.
“Valk?” I whisper. Nothing. Fire shoots up my throat, burning out the emptiness and leaving my mouth dry. Don’t panic, this is what happens and I know how to deal with it – but it isn’t supposed to happen during the day. Only after nightmares.
Get a grip, Hana.
“Valk, hold on, it’s – it’s gonna be okay.” Phone. Google. Fragments of Sappho. My arm gets tight around her as the page takes forever and a year to load. The poems pop up, and I dive in the minute my eyes focus.
“Now, I shall sing these songs
Beautifully
for my companions.”
Having her stock-still against me is like hugging a wooden board. I swallow – my voice has gotten rougher than usual – but keep reading.
“Like a hyacinth
in the mountains
that shepherds crush underfoot.
Even on the ground
a purple flower.”
No movement. Stay with me.
“I tell you
someone will remember us
in the future.”
On and on, until it hurts to breathe and Sappho herself would tell me to shut up.
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