Abstract
Between a Honda Activa and a Hyundai Santro I’ve got six wheels that never refuse to roll on command.
I Probably drive the two most resilient rides that the post-industrial world has ever created.
They’ve both aged like wine. Scratches and dents adorn them like battle scars.
My 17-year-old Activa is not as fussy about keys as the fancy new ones are.
“As long as you’ve got a key, you can drive me” she says.
Which is why when I lost the duplicate, I decided to let a roadside Key Maker explore the depths of his creativity.
The Keymaker
He crafted this wonderful simulacrum of the Tower of Bara-Dur complete with the miniature eye of Sauron.
Ash kilos durbatulûk, ash kilos gimbatul,
Ash kilos thrakatulûk agh burzum-ishi krimpatul.
He whispered in the Dark Tongue of Mordor as I fished for loose change in my wallet to pay him his fee.
“Avhaav liwo be 25 rupeeuk.”
“Sorry?” I asked
“Aargh” grunted the Orc. “You didn’t get any of that did you?”
One key to rule them all, one key to find them,
One key to bring them all and in the darkness bind them.
That’ll be 25 rupees.
I stopped looking for stray rupiahs. “Here,” I said handing him a Fifty, “Keep the change”
They’re misunderstood, Orcs.
The Conundrum
What do I choose for my commutes?
A straight answer, my brain refutes
This conundrum is subject to moot
What do I choose for my commute?
The santro, it is brave and tall
Alas, the Santro is a fuel hog
Though the Santro shall never stall
While the Activa, it is oft a log
But never the Activa in the base of a mall
Always outside where, peed on by a dog
Although the Activa I sometimes do haul
Also, on the Santro, I can safely take a call
What do I choose for my commutes?
A straight answer, my brain refutes
This conundrum is subject to moot
What do I choose for my commute?
What Tips the Scale
Not to be bested by newer specimens of technology, my Activa has recently incorporated a new feature into its design (Aww you didn’t have to Activa!)
She’s got touch sensitivity. Or should I say clobber sensitivity? To switch on the headlights, I now only have to thump the headlight time to time.
She’s got automatic speed control. That’s because the handle grip isn’t glued to the accelerator, not anymore.
She’s got a collision braking system, i.e. she only stops when she hits something.
And as if this plethora of new features wasn’t enough she also likes to throw all kinds of surprises at me once in a while just so we can spend quality time together.
Every day I ride the Activa, My Activa, to a swimming pool across town. I’ve worked out a nice little swim regimen. But this particular day the Activa, My Activa, had other ideas.
This day, en route, it emptied its fuel tank in the middle of a highway to have a nice long romantic walk to a fancy place instead.
Me, her, the setting sun and a million vehicles dumping a corrosive mixture of sulphur and death on our faces.
Some People We Met on the Way
1
A tyre guy who sat on his haunches halfway beckoning us lasciviously.
He owes his existence to the pressure differential between deflated tyres and inflated wallets
“Hawa nahi? Puncture fix?” he asked, ogling the Activa.
“Nahi” I replied brusquely
2
A man who got philosophical when asked for directions. “Hume nahi pata bhaiya” He smiled, “Jaise aap waise hum” he declaimed.
A preacher sans congregation? Ghor kalyug hai!
A Fancy Place
“For the lady, perhaps a litre of extra premium petrol?”
“Kya?” The waiter asked, irritably.
“Pachas ka sada petrol dal do” I whispered in his ear
“Zero dekh” he said in the most fervently apathetic tone he could muster.
Sure enough, there was a zero on the digital display. Now, I’ve seen better magic tricks but I kicked open the side stand on my ride to free my hands and, dutifully, clapped. Kids, remember, always be polite.
He didn’t look at me as if I were mad. In fact, he didn’t look at me at all. A testament to the poker-faced defiance of a man who hasn’t seen pretty much anything he didn’t want to see.
Back in Business
Well now, all that was left was to wear my pink helmet, choke on my embarrassment, pull the choke, give the old girl a kick and zoom away to glory and the fading of guffaws.
I had a regimen to adhere to and some ladies at the pool I couldn’t possibly disappoint.
My Swimming Regimen
20 lengths every day.
What It’s Not
20 lengths every day except Tuesdays.
Why It Should Be What It’s Not
The pool is closed on Tuesdays.
Guess What Day It Was?
Tuesday.
Love,
Bipolar Bear.
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