Today I have big news for fans of the band ABBA: they’re going out on tour!
Starting in 2019, you’ll be able to go to an arena near you and see the iconic Swedish group perform with a live orchestra, and live back-up singers and live 70-year-old fans dancing spasmodically (and perhaps fatally) in the aisles to “Super Trouper.”
In fact, the only thing that won’t be live is…you guessed it.
Now don’t get me wrong. This is not some cover band we’re talking about. Nor is it some Broadway jukebox musical. This is really ABBA you’ll be seeing, just as if it’s 1977.
Literally.
That’s because the ABBA you’ll be seeing will be holograms of the group as they appeared 40 years ago.
This is not a new concept. Dead artists such as Michael Jackson and Tupac have performed as holograms. But while the technology has been used previously for performances by deceased musicians, this will be the first time it’s used for lazy ones.
“It’s perfect,” said ABBA’s Benny Andersson. “We can be on stage while I’m home walking the dogs. I don’t have to leave my house. If this really works there’ll be a lot of artists wanting to do the same thing, even artists who are still young and still touring. It’s a very interesting project.”
Those who know me personally will not be surprised to learn that I’m totally in favor of anything that does not require me to leave the house, although ticket sales to see a hologram of me on stage are likely to be dismal.
But if this ABBA tour is a success and the technology is adopted by other groups from the 60s and 70s, it will raise an interesting question, which I ask you now, dear reader, in all seriousness:
If you had your choice, would you rather see, say, the holographic Rolling Stones or the geriatric Rolling Stones?
Which would make you feel older, watching 30-year-old Mick prancing around the stage, sticking his lips out or 74-year-old Mick prancing around the stage, dragging his lips behind him?
Would you prefer the real thing or the real memory?
Streaming music services have drastically reduced the royalties that aging musicians receive on their old recordings, so many have been forced to take to the road again, as I have previously reported in this blog. Would something like this solve their problem? Would they be able to rock without having to roll out in a wheelchair?
I can see a few problems with the idea, though. For instance, when Pete Townshend of the 
Holographic Who smashes his guitar, won’t it be weird when the pieces don’t go anywhere? When Imaginary Iggy Pop crowd walks, how would the audience hold him up?
And what about the lack of spontaneity? Everything will have to be computerized so that the digital ABBA will always be in perfect sync with the analog orchestra. So how could they tell little stories between songs, inasmuch as the projection will be 1977 ABBA? “So 
we were tooling around the states last week in our new $8,000 BMW, and we stopped for petrol and it was up to 65¢ a gallon and Adrienne Barbeau dropped by our show and afterward we hung out and played her Atari…”
And what will happen when, as it inevitably will, there’s some sort of glitch, which could give a whole new meaning to the idea of a band breaking up? Does the live orchestra play on as ABBA suddenly becomes pixelated in the middle of “Dancing Queen” and then disappears as if they’ve been beamed aboard the Enterprise?
Another question: will there be an opening act for the ABBA tour? Holographic Leo Sayer, perhaps?
See you soon.
