I hate all those “You can do it,” and “You’re already there!” bullshit motivational quotes; because, referring to the first one: How do I really know I can do it?; and referring to the second one, well, that’s obviously a lie.
I can not deny being where I am, even as I desperately seek to be somewhere else. I cannot pretend that I made it when I haven’t as a means to boost my progress; and I cannot tell myself I can do it when I’m really not sure I can.
How do I convince myself to think or feel otherwise? It just feels inauthentic, and that feels icky.
Maybe I’m just meant to be depressed. Maybe I’m a loser and that’s all I will ever be.
Lately I’ve been wanting to end my life, but I know it’s not a real solution.
Lately I am just losing all hope.
I’m turning 31 in a few days and I never thought this would be my life:
Living with my father, working a 9-5 (Sure, it’s social work, but I am helping anyone really? Is my work meaningful? Somehow I doubt it.), and residing in NYC where I trudge from work to home to other places like just another one of the sheeple.
I have evolved into a basic bitch, a useless nobody, a loser, a sore fucking loser.
I hate myself so much I want to be anyone but myself. I’d rather be Heather Hoffman, of Yogi Bhagavan, or Danibelle the fitness model.
They are perfect. Their is hair is always flawless, never a split end. They have no blemishes. They eat a perfect diet, never allowing refined sugar or processed meats into their bellies. They are radiant and happy. I bet even their shit smells like roses (I kid… or maybe I’m serious
