In this chapter of F* my life, i’m going to be writing about the bag of self destruction. What’s in this bag? Depression? Anxiety? Insecurities? Fear? Everything? How can we help ourselves and the people around us? (at least i would try and answer those questions). This next few posts at least for the next few days till ‘crazy assignment week’ ends would be a series of plagiarised post from my own blog [eggsnbaconblog.wordpress.com] that I have totally no way of retrieving the password to. SO do bear with these plagiarised posts. I will be back with new content soon!! And now we shall begin…………
Self-destruction
What kills you on the inside?
The nights when you crawl into bed and all of a sudden this wave of sadness just hits you and you have no where to run to. Feeling like there’s no one that can help you. You start looking for your phone, scrolling through your contacts hoping, wishing that someone would save you. Just when you find that one person that you feel can help you, you put down your phone, roll up into a ball and just cry. Wondering what is happening. Not understanding what is going on.
That’s the problem isn’t it. Sometimes, when this wave of sadness that hits you where it hurts the most, you just can’t explain why you’re sad. At least, this is one of the reasons i do not tell anyone when i am ‘suffering’. People will ask “why are you sad?” and you wouldn’t have the answer to the question and being female they will push the blame to my period. I want to know why i am sad too. I would like to know how i can stop this. The word i would use is i want to be SAVED. I’m looking for HELP. It’s those dark moments where i will scream (silently) ‘HELP ME PLEASE’ and the never-ending tears start flowing down.
The biggest problem i face is
This chant in my head, ‘i deserve all of this’. I brought this onto myself. The self-blaming. The self-doubt. Every time the ‘darkness'(i call it the darkness or the wave) comes, thoughts comes flooding in. Thoughts that says ‘no one loves you. Who can love someone like you. You are not beautiful in any way. Who can ever love you’. What makes it worst is that i know that so many people loves me, but in that dark place i just can’t believe that anyone can ever love me. I believed my thoughts. Laying in bed pitying myself, believing the lies that i am telling myself, hoping that someone will save me.
Yes, i am waiting for someone to save me. But i didn’t realise that there is a flaw. If i do not ask for help who is going to help me? Secretly hoping that someone will notice my pain and save me? Who will realise that I am in pain when I do not show it? HUGE FLAW.
Truthfully, every little thing can trigger this darkness. From my friend not replying me fast to my boyfriend joking about something i’m insecure about. That’s scary isn’t it. It comes whenever and where ever. If you say that you feel this way, you are afraid that your friends will say that you’re TOO sensitive. Worst case scenario, when you finally tell your friends that you need help, they think that your problem is not a big deal. At least that’s one of my fears.So many fears, reading this makes me feel silly when i know that i do not need to feel silly.
But…
BUT…
BUT…
All is not lost yet. You just need to take this big step. Though we are filled with so much darkness, we have so much love for the people around us. We just have to believe that there is that one person that will love you no matter what. Just like you being able to love your friends unconditionally. If you can’t seem to find that friend, or you are just too scared just remember that you are not alone. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. There are people going through the same things as you (though they are not always the same, similar).
Find that person and tell her/him that you have a problem. You don’t have to say everything. We wouldn’t be able to put them all into words but tell them that you are hurting and have trouble explaining why. Trust me, not everyone will judge you. There are a handful that would actually hold your hand and tell you that everything will be alright. To me one of the bright side to this darkness that we have is that we can understand the pain some people go through. We are able to help each other.
I feel that the best medication are not pills (at least for the challenges that we go through in our minds) but being able to truly rely and confide in a friend/stranger/lover whoever. They are hard to find. Maybe they are around us but we just can’t find them. But whatever the case, you are not alone.
We have so much fear and pain but we are able to love so much too. We are different but different is good, that’s what makes us unique and special from others. This is who we are, scars and all. Though i am writing these, i still have nights where i feel like all is lost..and no one loves me. It is a long battle, a battle that may never end. But we just have to remind ourselves that this darkness that comes will be gone tomorrow or the next day. Remind ourselves that it will get better. It may not be right now or the next day but it will. It eventually will.
Everything will be alright.
F* my life.
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