Sports Flu

Is everything a sport? iThink so. Politics, culture, business, you name it. In sports, you have two sides, rarely three. This is why there’s no third party or team on the killing fields. (Gridirons.) What did George Orwell say? “Sports is war minus the shooting.” Spock: “Fascinating.” That’s Dr. Spock too. (Sex and babies is a sport too, alias. I mean alas.) Ray Bradbury in Fahrenheit 451 (about burning books) has one of the firemen (who find books inside hollowed out TVs, and burn them) say: “More sports for everyone.” Videos on Youtube talking about becoming rich say things like, “If you’re not a player or ball club owner, or gambling on games, stop watching sports on TV. It’s a waste of time, and health. Like junk food.” Tasty, though! Alas, diabetes and obesity (and health care costs) are epidemic, to say nothing of concussions. Do we love sports like football because it’s a proxy for going to war, for feeling like winners? iThink so. Alias, the players and owners will change cities in a heartbeat for better parking and free booze (if not pills) elsewhere. It is a vicarious thrill, cheering, imagining it is us out there! (Or in the case of the Olympics, U.S.) More than just a game? Yup. A religion. There are fistfights in bars over games, cars overturned after games, riots and stampedes over the “score.” Everyone wants to “score,” even the President. He’s a wrestling fan, and former game show host. He and Kim Jong un are in a game, too. “It’s not a game!” people shout, but it IS. Everything is a game. But what exactly do we “win?” A bigger button? A trophy? Who even reads the record books, except overpaid sports commentators in Trivial Pursuit? What about FICA scores and exam scores and…and no doubt you’re angry now. Oh yes. You want to throw junk food at me at high velocity. But consider: One satire book out of thousands about sports, and even ESPN can’t bring themselves to mention it? Even though the narrator of the audiobook version writes for ESPN? Yup. There’s just too much money involved. Advertisers like Coke and Pepsi would balk. May I ask what are they afraid of? What is Trump afraid of? Okay, I can’t. Thanks. “MeThinks ye doth need dungeon time.” –His Holiness the Balli Lamda, the ArchDioceses of Wiffleball

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