The days that week flew by. I was scurrying around in my brain trying to figure out just what i was going to do… how i was going to get out of there. I was texting my mom letting her know i got paid on Friday and Jax and i, and the new baby i was growing would be on our way back to Minnesota as soon as i could figure out how to make our escape.
When i left for Maryland, i took everything i could fit in my car. This mainly consisted of clothes, important documents, and Jackson’s things. When you’re a mom, typically your child and their things become priority over your own. What i owned was reduced to a few bags of clothing, some cheap makeup, and my phone and charger. All of my electronics were sold for a high, so i didn’t have to worry about bringing and of that back.
I lived in Maryland for about a year and a half. I had accumulated some “stuff” that i was trying to figure out how i was going to get it home. My son’s bed, the TV i purchased, among other things. There’s no way i was secretly going to get these things into the car… “Umm, what are you doing with the TV?” “oh, nothing, just figured this 42 inch tv wanted to go for a ride in the truck.” “Where are you going with Jackson’s bed? “Oh, this thing? Is that what this is? Silly me. Must’ve grabbed the wrong thing!” I needed to wait until no one was home. Then try and figure out how five months pregnant i was going to move all these things down the stairs, and lift them into my car.
It was the Wednesday night before i planned to leave. E’s phone rang. Little did i know this was about to be the most liberating call ever to exist in the world of Jess. E was going to work on Friday. E was going to work on Friday…. E WAS GOING TO WORK ON FRIDAY!!! God works in mysterious ways. He truly, truly does. We had one vehicle, and i was going to drive him to work in the morning, and pick him up when he was done.
I was scheduled off from my job on Friday. I called my mom Thursday night to let her know the news. I told her my plan, and let her know i would let her know when i was on the road back home… home. It was so close i could nearly wrap my arms around it. I could almost smell all the deciduous trees on an autumn Minnesota afternoon. Thursday night i told E i was planning to go to the laundromat to do laundry on Friday, since it was payday and my day off. I went upstairs while he was playing XBox and skillfully separated our laundry. I put mine and Jackson’s clothes in the clothes bins i had brought, and E’s clothes in plastic trash bags. This was not outside of the usual, we had a lot of laundry we had to do once i got paid every two weeks, as we did not have a washer and dryer in our townhouse. I know that sounds super weird to put laundry in trash bags but whatever… sometimes you have to do what you have to do! I mixed in some of my belongings and Jacko’s toys into the laundry baskets that contained mine and Jackson’s clothes. I made sure to camoflage these things so they weren’t easily noticeable.
Once i got everything separated and situated, i asked E to help me bring the laundry down into the truck. Being 5 months pregnant he was always really good about not having me lift heavy things or anything pregnant women should take caution while doing. To be completely fair that always annoyed me when people would want to do things for me… i was pregnant, not handicapped. During my pregnancy with Jackson i was climbing ladders to hang signage in the lingere store i worked in, lifting box
es from our shipment trucks… but anyway – that’s a mini rant for a later time. I walked down the stairs behind E with my car keys, and opened the back hatch of my truck so he could toss the laundry in. He’s helping me get away and he doesn’t even know it yet. I have to admit this is probably the shadiest thing I’ve ever done. The whole time i followed him i felt bad almost. Like i was deceiving him. But, at the same time, i had to do what was best for Jax and I. That meant not staying where we were. Which was with a drug addict, drowning in financial instability… I promised my son we’d be okay, and that’s one promise i intend to keep.
I went back inside and got Jackson ready for bed. I laid with him until he fell asleep. I ran my fingers through his hair, kissed his cheek, and thanked him for choosing me to be his mommy. I apologized for what i was putting him through, and that this was never my intention by dragging us out here. I promised that i’d be a better mom. After all, anything was better than where we were at this point in our lives. *currently wiping tears*
I text my mom that night and told her how i got the majority of our stuff packed. I could hardly sleep that night. Mainly because i felt like i was betraying E’s mom. She had always been on my side – through every argument, every tear… she was my voice of reason. I was about to just leave her behind. I felt terrible. I was taking away the “grandson” that she had grown accustomed to jumping on her bed and watching movies with her. I had to block that out of my mind though. I was doing the right thing. Of all people, surely she’d understand that. She had to.
The alarm went off at 5:00. E got up and got ready for work and we were on the road by six. I got him to work and said good bye. He said he’d text me when he was done, i agreed. There he went. Off into the darkness of the morning. It was my time.
I got back home and E’s mom had already left for work. I grabbed Jackson some breakfast. While he was eating i went upstairs to grab any other things i may have overlooked last night and the things i had used that morning. I already decided that i wasn’t going to be able to get the bed downstairs. It was just too heavy for me to carry on my own. The TV it was. At least i could sell it when i got back home to get my son a new bed. There it was, i grabbed the TV, and waddled my way down the stairs with it. As i passed the dining room, Jackson asked me what I was doing. I told him just putting the TV in the car. I think i really confused him at this point – all i could do was laugh. How ridiculous this must have been to a three year old.
I cleaned up after Jackson was done. I did one final walk through the house to make sure i had everything that was essential to bring home. Finally i had it all. I went back and forth about whether or not to leave a note. I couldn’t… this wasn’t a suicide, this was an act of liberation. An act of freedom. Why was i sad to be leaving a person who used me – whether it was for rides, or to get his next high, or someone who didn’t care enough to get help. I couldn’t leave my son in this situation, let alone bring a new baby into this either. This is what i needed to do.
I called my mom to let her know i was on my way. It was 9:00, I had six hours until 3:00. Which is when E typically got off work. I could be six hours away before he even foundout what was happening.
It was time to go home. I buckled Jackson in, climbed into the driver’s seat and put my truck in reverse. I put my arm on the passenger seat and looked back so i could make sure i wasn’t going to hit anything. I caught a glimpse of a smiling, happy little boy looking out his window, up at the sky and the trees. I smiled. We could only go up from here.
..and she loved her little boy, more than she loved herself.
Advertisements Share this:
