My crisis of faith started when The Chronicles of Narnia’s theology suddenly became clear to me and literal fear of God was reinforced.
But other things have been eroding my faith for a long time—and one of those is the idea of Judgment Day and the rewards Christians will receive in Heaven.
Last year, I followed the vlog of late ex-Muslim and Christian apologist Nabeel Qureshi, whose ministry and his 2016 cancer diagnosis caught my attention.
Shortly after, I almost stopped following it. Last year I read one of the comments on the April 12 vlog—and the comment intensified a longstanding fear.
Judgment and rewards are two of the most difficult and messy doctrines of the Bible. They’ve also been some of the most painful ones I’ve ever had to struggle with.
When I was in middle school, someone told me we will get different levels of reward in Heaven. That idea never left me. In fact, it went so deep that my life was oriented around getting maximum rewards, and for over a decade I didn’t even realize why I was so burned out.
Before that idea of unequal rewards in Heaven ever entered my head, I was already poised to feel it go deep. When I was very young, I knew that there would be a Judgment Day and a time for rewards, and I was scared to death of getting a bad judgment. When I was in elementary school, my dad told me about Judgment Day. That day, he was yelling at me about something or other, and he threw Judgment Day into the conversation by saying he’d have to stand before God and account for how he raised me.
It didn’t take long for me to apply that fear to myself. And it went deep and it went far. As one of those guys who thought of it like the Olympics, I wanted to get the gold in Heaven.
The whole notion sounds laughable to me now—trying to get maximal rewards in Heaven—but I’m embarrassed to admit that the idea has been difficult to shake. I’m not sure I fully have.
What’s more, it may very well be a Christian idea. Many pastors and Christians promote and defend this doctrine of differing levels of rewards and joy, and they infer it from the Bible.
For the Son of Man will come with his angels in the glory of his Father and will judge all people according to their deeds. (Matthew 16:27)
He will judge all according to what they have done. (Romans 2:6)
Anyone who builds on that foundation may use a variety of materials—gold, silver, jewels, wood, hay, or straw. But on the judgment day, fire will reveal what kind of work each builder has done. The fire will show if a person’s work has any value. If the work survives, that builder will receive a reward. But if the work is burned up, the builder will suffer great loss. The builder will be saved, but like someone barely escaping through a wall of flames. (1 Corinthians 3:12–15)
I’m no Bible scholar, but it certainly looks as if there will be different levels of joy and rewards in Heaven.
But even if the Bible says otherwise, the fact that there will be a judgment and a dispensation of rewards has been hard enough for me to swallow.
It’s hard enough to think there will be a judgment day. I’m afraid of the idea that “fire will reveal” what kind of work I’ve done and that I will have tears of sorrow and regret. I’ve tried so hard to please God; but Judgment Day makes me afraid that all I’ve done for God has been and will be inferior. The fear is exacerbated by the fact that I still don’t know if I’m pleasing Him. Since He doesn’t seem to be telling me how I’m doing, I’m not sure what to think.
But the idea of rewards further intensifies the pressure on me—not just to avoid His anger or have my work survive His fiery judgment, but even to be like Nabeel Qureshi: “glorified in Heaven above so many.”
The end result has been my stomach tied up in knots, beating myself up over mistakes, and feeling hopeless and worthless because I can’t be as good a Christian as someone like Nabeel Qureshi.
What a sick way for me to live. All the fear and pressure haven’t done me a single bit of good.
Unfortunately, I can’t turn back the clock. I’ve spent far too many years trying to earn rewards from God, worrying about forfeiting rewards with my stupid mistakes, and praying day after day for God to tell me how I’m doing.
And as 2018 begins, and I come up on three years of this crisis of faith, I’m starting to realize just how much fear and pressure I’ve lived under. I’m angry that God would allow me to struggle so bitterly and severely with these things to the point that faith is on the line.
The ideas of rewards and of the approaching Judgment Day are a pair of difficult pills to swallow. The trouble with them is that they give me a lot of pressure. And I’m tired of living under all the pressure, and I’m tired of asking God to alleviate it.
This is nothing new. Literal fear of God has been a similar story: I’m tired of living under it, and I’m tired of praying for relief from it.
Actually, this has been almost par for the course. My faith has come under constant attack since the day I got saved. I’ve had to face cancer, a chronic health problem, an abusive father, a lot of heartache and rejection, phobias I still struggle with—
And now all these doctrines of Judgment Day and rewards and fear of God (whatever that ought to look like in my life) are causing my faith to die.
What’s more, the fact that I’ve struggled so long—the fact that God has either allowed or enabled me to struggle so long—makes me wonder if He even exists. What kind of “good, good Father” (sorry, Chris Tomlin) would do this to his son?
That’s partly why I’ve reached the point where my primary motivation isn’t to please God, but to be happy with my own work.
I just want to do the best I can in my work, school and play, and be satisfied with a job well done. If God’s not going to tell me how I’m doing, then why worry?
But can I really make it that simple? As a Christian, I feel compelled to take the Bible at its word, instead of picking and choosing what I like.
And according to the Bible, apparently I’m supposed to live to please God while keeping in mind that judgment is coming:
So whether we are here in this body or away from this body, our goal is to please him. For we must all stand before Christ to be judged. We will each receive whatever we deserve for the good or evil we have done in this earthly body. (2 Corinthians 5:9–10)
It’d be a lot easier to live with this idea if I knew that God was helping me and that I’m doing OK in His eyes. It’d take so much pressure off me if God Himself told me that I will receive maximum joy and rewards, too.
But that hasn’t happened. And it may never.
Thus, I keep coming back to the same questions:
- What am I supposed to do with the idea of Judgment Day and the doctrine of rewards?
- Given the trajectory of my life right now, what could Judgment Day look like for me?
- Will I have maximum joy and rewards in Heaven, or won’t I?
- What does God think of me? Is He pleased with me?
I wish I knew. I hope that someday, I can write an enthusiastic and optimistic follow-up to this post.
Until then, I’m still struggling with this stuff.
And I wish I didn’t have to.
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