The last 72 hours have been some of the most challenging hours of my life.
Why? Because life is not linear. Our recovery from darkness is not a straight line that bypasses all the fear and pain of this world. And why is that? Sin, fallenness, brokenness.
Why? Because I am a broken person with a chemical imbalance in my brain called depression.
It was a Tuesday afternoon when I slipped into hopelessness again. Just another Tuesday, that ended with me feeling so far away from my God.
The well meaning words entering me like a strange sort of poison.
“God is taking you through this for your calling.”
Not “God will use this in your calling”, but “taking you” through it.
God is taking me through this? Dragging me through this pain? Simply because He wants to use me?
To use me. Used, betrayed, crestfallen.
How could my good God hurt me like this?
And I slipped away. Life stopped. I got caught in a moment, stuck in a feeling. Stuck and immovable. Heart full of questions and fears and hurts.
I felt like a little girl. A little girl sprawled and bloodied on the cement, innocent bicycle crashed in the grass three feet away. A little girl in need of big arms to come pick her up and clean the hurt places.
But I pushed God away. I was angry. I didn’t want His help. So I sat in my hurt and cried. Alone on some proverbial sidewalk, dirty clothes and skinned knees.
I pulled away from the world–no phone, no outside communication, hardly moving from one place. I sat restless. Slept and woke up tired.
And I started reading.
“Maybe it isn’t enough to believe in Jesus– maybe I have to believe that Jesus believes enough in me to choose me” (Ann Voskamp, The Broken Way).
He loved enough, believed in my worth enough to choose to save me and the rest of the world. Worth enough to give His life. Worth enough to stoup down and cradle in His arms in the broken moments.
Locked doors started to open. Light started to seep in to the bare walls of my mind.
“….somehow there is good brokenness that grows out of every scar and wound we will ever suffer” (Ann Voskamp, The Broken Way).
Somehow there is good brokenness. Somehow there is good in the brokenness.
And He is good. Untouched by doubt, untouched my lack of faith.
And I realized that my God is not one who loves to hurt His children, but One who weeps over our pain and loss and confusion. One who calls us by name. Who holds us in His arms and bandages our hurt places.
Jesus.“Jesus wept” (John 11:35).
He wept over loss and grief and the hurt of those He loved .
Father.“Fear not, for I have redeemed you. I have called you by name you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you.
For I am the Lord you God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior, I give Egypt as your ransom, Cush and Seba in exchange for you,
Because you are precious in my eyes, and honored, and I love you. I give men in return for you, peoples in exchange for your life. Fear not, for I am with you” (Isaiah 43:4-5).
Because you are precious in my eyes, and honored, and I love you.
He is the One who rescues us from enemy that drags into the dirt and dark and fear. He is the One who loves enough to give His only Son, a part of Himself, as ransom.
Holy Spirit.“Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God.” (Romans: 26-27).
And the beautiful Person of the Holy Spirit. The one who groans with us, cries for us, speaks the depths of our pain and need to God when we have no words.
This is love. This is my God.
My God.
And I can read that famous passage in Romans with new eyes.
“And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose” (Romans 8:28).
He works all things together for good. He takes the broken pieces creates a masterpiece beyond human imagination.
I don’t believe He causes the pain, but I sure as hell believe He can use it.
This is my God. My God who I love and trust and will rely on for the rest of my life. The God who works all things together for good. My God who is kind and merciful and just and judging and loving all at once.
This is my God.
I end with this…
“If the stars are made to worship, so will I.
I can see your heart in everything you made.
Every burning star a signal fire of grace.
If creation sings your praises, so will I.”
Advertisements Share this:
