Every morning is a new fight, a new worry. Every time you leave my eyesight, my heart screams and I wonder if it’s the last time I’ll ever see you again. I fear the care, or lack thereof that others will provide. We have been blessed with the people in your life. The Alayna Village, because it takes a village….and then some, to raise any child. But a child with any medical complexity? It takes that and more.
Sweet girl I wish I could shield you from the world and all of the hurt and pain. I wish the world was fair and people weren’t treated poorly because of their differences. I wis we lived in a world where that was all celebrated, not feared and rejected. I wish I could save you from all of the bullying and uneducated people you are undoubtedly going to encounter in your life time. My biggest wish for you my sweet girl, is that I can teach you to be stronger than their words and smarter than their lack of learning.
I want you to be a kid as long as you can, but the life you live, being a kid is hard. You came out fighting and do so every day. I know I need to teach you the tools and skills you need to survive on your own. I need to teach you to be tough. But my heart doesn’t want the world to make you cold, make you lose the fire and compassion you show now. You have such a zest for life and your eyes are burning with the passion to learn, grow, and live.
My fear is seeing that light, that fire, extinguish because I wasn’t there, because I trusted the wrong person with your care. I didn’t teach you all you need to take care of yourself and be your own advocate. There will come a time when I have to let you go into the world and trust I’ve done my best and that you are strong enough. I wish I could keep you in my arms forever, I wish you didn’t have to grow up, but the alternative to growing up, is my biggest fear.
Everyone says God must have known you needed me to be your mom. But sweet girl they have it so wrong. God knew that I needed you. I needed you in my life. Your fight for life has taught me so much and made me a better person. You saved me. And I will fight every single day to save you.
This is a letter you’ll never read and it is full of sleepless rambles, stemming from yet another scare, yet another ER trip in the wee hours of the morning. Baby girl, I hope you know I love you with all of my heart and when the days come to an end, I hope you know that I tried. I tried every single damn day to be strong enough for you and be the mom you deserve. I will love you every single day, like i’m gonna lose you.
Mom
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