A common experience I have had in the last few years is that of intense frustration at myself. The first part of therapy for me was learning what I was doing wrong. This was the easy part. I like learning and I am always seeking to understand things. So learning about myself and the thing I wanted very much to change not a problem.
It boiled down to a few things; poor self esteem, deeply written unhelpful scripts and a lack of self-compassion. Amongst other things but those were the headlines. So to fix them I had to train myself to think better of myself. I decided to write in a journal. This worked a little but not to the extent I would have liked. After months of therapy and writing about my experiences I didn’t think I had got much better and Ii was struggling to motivate myself to write consistently.
My therapy would talk about my intellectual understanding of my difficulties being sound but my emotional responses lagging behind. Which was accurate but how to fix this? Self compassion. What? How?
I had to be kinder to myself. Stop making everything so harsh. So black and white. And at times, so important.So I tried and I tried to find other ways to change my thinking. Catch myself in the moment, write about specific thought patterns or, as suggested by my therapist, EFT. I still couldn’t find the result that would have satisfied me.
I grew more agitated with my ‘stupid’ responses. Who cared if they thought badly of me it wasn’t worth the response. How can I let the actions of others affect me so much when although I care a bit not to this extent. My brain’s responses did not match my conscious thoughts.
I would spend time this people and want a positive outcome and would consciously feel a little disappointed if the exchange went poorly. However, my brain would long for acceptance and send surges of adrenaline and anxiety through my body if it perceived a negative reaction.
This began to infuriate me. Why was there two of me? Why couldn’t I choose my beliefs? Why is there this angsty dramatic child part of me that is ruining my life?
My therapist explained this through Transactional Analysis. That we each have 3 parts of ourselves; the child, the parent and the adult. The parent judges and the child is emotional, i.e. my experience of the world. Whereas we want to be the adult, who deals more in reality and is more rational. However you have to continuously aim to think like this. Not just understand it again difficult for me.
Eventually a chance conversation with a friend who was reading a book by Dr Steve Peters has really helped me. This is a brief overview of his view on the brain. Each of us has an emotional response that can be thought of as the chimp, instinctive, emotional and unstable. We also have the human, rational, sensible and deliberate. We need a balance of both to function effectively however the chimp is 4 ties stronger than the human. Then there is the computer programmed by each (our scripts, habits or pathways). The computer is 16 times more powerful than the chimp.
Therefore if your chimp has been more in control for a larger part of your life it is difficult and takes time to correct. Thus my frustration at intellectually understanding my problems but finding them difficult to shift! Leading to more of an acceptance in the pace of the shift. In turn leading to more of a shift as i’m not getting in my way as much.
For more on Transactional Analysis:
http://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/transactional-analysis.html
For more on The Chimp Paradox you should watch this brilliant video:
https://ed.ted.com/on/n4nfaYuo
