Unhealthy narcissism isn’t simply about infidelity and abuse. Although unhealthy narcissists are prone to infidelity, the canyon is deeper and more complex, psychologically speaking.
If you’re in this type of relationship, like I was, you’ve probably blamed yourself. Stop. You need to change your thinking. Your partner’s condition is no fault of your own. It’s the result of something that happened to them during their formative years. What you’re witnessing is a set of coping skills that are simply not the same as those of a “normal” individual. When you begin to shift your thinking about your narcissistic partner, it’s easier to see them for what they are and let go of the hurt, the anguish, and the anger.
When I first picked up Dr. Craig Malkin’s book, Rethinking Narcissism (2015), I was a skeptic. I wasn’t convinced whether I’d witnessed what he calls a “shift up the narcissism spectrum.” For me, the problem was that the definition of narcissism was mushy—I was looking for something more black-and-white, more along the lines of “narcissism—you either have it or you don’t have it.” But I learned spectrum disorders don’t work that way.
People who have spectrum disorders exist on a continuum. With regard to narcissism, “normal” falls in the middle range, and full-blown sociopathic Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is at the high extreme. I’m not saying my wife is an extreme. She’s a remarkable woman, who’s intelligent and functional under many circumstances. She thinks well on her feet, something I’d always admired in her. But something’s gone awry—her behavior of the last year and a half has pointed to some serious issues at work that have nothing to do with me, or my performance as a husband and father. Loss of her erstwhile parents. I say “erstwhile” because their participation in her life was, for her father, extremely limited from a very early age; and for her mother, limited after Demi had attained the age of eighteen and abruptly moved out. Loss of a job in 2014. The onset of menopause. A pattern of alcohol abuse, documented by credit card receipts. And health issues related to kidney failure.
At the other extreme—the low end of the spectrum—are people labeled “Echoists,” who have introverted, subservient personalities, and who rarely see any value in themselves. Echoism is the flip side of narcissism. That doesn’t apply here.
Subtle Narcissists, according to Malkin, can be troublesome. A Subtle Narcissist is a normally-functioning individual who typically exists at an elevated level on the spectrum. They are difficult to detect, and they are prone to rapidly shift up the scale, toward the high end. Subtle Narcissists don’t undergo the shift at random, but instead, are thrust upward by certain types of causative circumstances. For Demi, her behavior dysregulation seemed to coincide with job change, which to her, represented a clear and present danger to her independence. Whatever happened to her in childhood, her lesson was to never allow herself to become dependent on another person. Because that lesson was learned at an early age, I believe it stunted her future relationships.
The cheating I’d known about in the distant past, when she was married to her first husband Bob, coincided with a job change from EVI to WG. EVI, as a company, wasn’t making it, and Demi knew it. She had to bail out. Her shift to the Atlanta-based corporation, WG, added some new dimensions of stress—it was a corporate marketing job, and it added a good deal of uncertainty about whether she would measure up to her new employer’s expectations. Pam, her boss, was Stanford-educated, and Demi hadn’t even completed two years at Community College. I think that threatened her, and she shifted up the scale as a result. The hallmark of the shift, as Dr, Malkin observes, is a sudden and dramatic increase in that individual’s sense of entitlement. When I read that, it hit home. I had observed and experienced exactly that. But where Malkin calls it a “shift,” the change seem much more like a “snap” to me.
In this blog, I’ve accused Demi of serial infidelity. I should qualify that somewhat. I do believe there were long periods of time when she was faithful. I’ve had to ask myself how many times, over the years, had I had the opportunity to rendezvous with someone who’d caught my eye? In twenty years, it was twice. One was named Amy and the other Karen. They were both professional contacts, intelligent and very attractive—clearly my “type.” And they showed interest. But I stayed true to my commitments. Demi, on the other hand, did have a number of incidents that were questionable—where she appeared to go AWOL for a bit longer than she should have. They were all instances where she was around males—Wade in Atlanta, Joe in Miami … and others. I never questioned her, but gave her the benefit of the doubt. That’s what normal people do. I was never obsessive or possessive in any way. She did have another job shift, in 2000, but it was a much smoother transition—she was hired into a marketing position at UIG by someone she already knew. UIG, Swiss-owned, was later purchased by a large Australian corporation. The name changed, but not Demi’s job. She held it until the fall of 2014, when the company decided to reduce presence in the Western US, and laid people off, including Demi. Demi used her industry connections to find another job, and had it lined up by December 2014, starting in January 2015. We had a great time in Mexico with our children that December. Her new job proved to be immensely more stressful, but her reaction to the stress was inappropriate. She told me I couldn’t possibly understand that kind of stress, but the fact was, I had once worked closely with a government agency that penetrated Russian defense manufacturing zones. On the ground. Enough said. Demi’s alcohol abuse led to virtual child abandonment, and then infidelity. Fortunately, I was still available for the children.
In late 2015, as Demi’s alcohol usage surged, so did her irresponsibility. She began coming home thoroughly sloshed many nights. I believe the mentality at her company—the “work hard/play hard” ethic—helped validate her out-of-control behavior. They even had an informal logo that appeared as a roundish “W” above a horizontal line. “Your ass on the line every day,” Demi explained. A new image had suddenly appeared in her mind of what it meant to be successful.
At some point in the summer of 2015, she crossed a line where she began to shut down at night because of the overconsumption of alcohol, not overworking. The stress of her new job, plus the alcohol usage, ramped up some of her old coping skills, which were developed during a tough childhood with a single, overbearing mother. Just as Malkin describes in his clinical cases, Demi’s sense of entitlement soared. When I discovered her infidelity in March 2016, her mask came off. Her response was not contrition or even responsibility for her perfidy. Instead, she asserted her entitlement. She had no conscience, no remorse at that stage.
The Crackerjacks Incident
With growing concern over Demi’s drinking behavior and her driving in traffic, one day in late April 2016, I decided to find a place to have a drink and an appetizer near her office, and invited her to join me after work. I desperately wanted to find a way to reconnect with her. We had children together; I couldn’t simply walk away.
At the time, I didn’t fully understand the extent of her infidelity, nor what her mask coming off really meant. I braved the traffic into downtown Portland at around five o’clock in the afternoon, and selected a small tavern/restaurant around the corner from her office called Crackerjacks. It was a convenient location. I wasn’t yet aware that Crackerjacks was one of her places—correction—one of their places. I had texted her and asked her to meet me when she could escape from the office. I received no response. When I arrived, I parked on the street and noticed that Demi’s Audi was also parked on the street. It made me feel good that she’d come, even though she hadn’t responded to my text.
When I entered Crackerjacks, I was hit by a train. There she was, sitting on the same side of a booth with another man, smiling, laughing, and sucking vodka through a pink straw. Even now, more than a year and a half later, I still don’t have the words to describe how I felt. This was my wife of twenty years. The mother of my two wonderful children. I breathed in the thick smoke of betrayal and slid into the booth across from them. “What’re we drinkin’? You must be ‘Jake.'” Beavis quivered with alarm. He stood. I wondered if he’d attempt to assault me. Fortunately, he didn’t. He didn’t have anything to say, either. Clearly nervous, he departed from the scene quickly.
Demi remained in her place. She was livid—her hazel eyes wide and crazed with rage, her brow wrinkled with severity. “You obviously didn’t get my texts,” I said.
“Fuck you. I’m gonna go get laid.” Not exactly nice thing to say, under the circumstances. That was the entitlement speaking. Now, a year and a half later, I can finish what she really meant to say: Fuck you. I’m gonna go get laid because I feel entitled to do whatever the hell I wanna do, with whomever I wanna do it with. I’m under no obligation to you or our children. I’ll drink as much as I want, whenever I want. It’s all about me—not you, not our children. Me. Capisce?
I didn’t understand. There was no empathy. No sign of a conscience at all. Only a weird carnal instinct for her own selfish desires. This was my wife, the mother of my children, but I didn’t know her any more. She’d shapeshifted into someone else. Had the two decades really been nothing more than an illusion?
Manipulation Tactics: It is Hot or is it Cold?
Psychological literature and clinical reports alike show that unhealthy narcissists can be charming, and are extremely skilled manipulators. However, they employ a series of predictable manipulative behaviors designed to exert and maintain control over people in their lives, and to avoid the emotions they don’t want to have. They are often highly capable and interpersonally successful, and they project a false persona to the world around them. My wife projected a false self that I idealized. I was in love with the false image, not a real person. The real self was an emotional predator. Her declarations to me that night were almost reptilian: I’m gonna go get laid. I don’t care what you think. I owe you nothing. These weren’t the words of a sensitive, feeling human being. She repeatedly exhibited both the words and the behaviors of an unhealthy narcissist.
While I’ve detailed the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle elsewhere, it contains a set of about ten manipulative tactics that I’d like to describe here. If you’re in a relationship with an unhealthy narcissist, no doubt you’ve experienced some of them. Unhealthy narcissists use these tactics to keep pushing you away and reeling you back in. They’re methods for accomplishing two main things: (a) maintaining uncertainty in the relationship; and (b) manipulating your own thinking and sense of reality.
In texts between Demi and Beavis, for instance, while she often dances around the concept of “love” and “lust,” at one point, she introduces greater uncertainty into their relationship by telling him she’s come to a point where she has to make the choice between him and her family. I’m missing part of the conversation, so I’m not sure if he was increasing his demands on her at that point, or not. I’m guessing that he was. She tells him she chooses her family, and that although she “loves” him (after just two months), she just can’t. “See you around the office, babe.”
The exchange was surprisingly antiseptic. Of course, Demi continued the relationship with Beavis. Prominent are the hot-and-cold manipulative tactics that are the hallmark of the unhealthy narcissist. It’s also called intermittent reinforcement, a push/pull dynamic, or push/pull regime. I’d lived under that regime for twenty years—where some periods were more subtle, and some more aggressive—so I know what I’m talking about. The pattern is cyclical. I often found myself tolerating neglectful, cruel, and abusive behaviors just to get to the other side of the cycle—another hit of love-bombing, security, and good feeling. All of the following manipulative tactics display both aspects of the push/pull regime.
Love-bombing. Love-bombing occurs in a macroscopic sense during the initial Idealization Phase of the relationship. It continues intermittently throughout the relationship, and is an key part of the intermittent reinforcement tool. The converse of love-bombing is narcissistic abuse.
Narcissistic Abuse. The narcissist is often overly critical of your appearance, your intelligence, your body, and your work. They may also be physically, sexually, emotionally, and financially abusive. Once you’re past the initial honeymoon, there are frequent, albeit subtle, demonstrations of contempt for everything about you. This happens as the Idealization Phase is cycling down, and you’re moving toward Devaluation. Sometimes the Devaluation process may appear to begin, and then you get sucked back into a renewed Idealization Phase.
Gaslighting. Gaslighting is an often subtle technique where the narcissist interferes with your own sense of events in a given situation, or to attempts to shape your interpretation of reality. I’ve experienced a good deal of gaslighting. The most recent was Demi’s attempt to rewrite or deny Beavis’ involvement in stalking us to Café Nell, as well as his involvement in the harassment of my father and my son. With regard to the last two events, she’s gone as far as claiming to me that I had fabricated them. The problem is, documentation foils this sort of gaslighting. Firstly, the stalking event was independently witnessed. Beavis was there, and was inebriated. I wasn’t the only one who saw him. Period. Secondly, I complained to Facebook about the harassment of my father and had them trace the source back to Beavis’ own account. Likewise with my son’s harassment on Facebook. In addition, when confronted in court, Beavis did not deny to either judge that he had done the deeds of which I accused him. The point is—with documentation, you can halt this insidious manipulative technique in its tracks. I’ve detailed other gaslighting episodes as well, such as the foreign phone I spotted in her Seattle hotel room while on a video call with her.
Manufacturing hostile or aggressive situations. Sometimes the narcissist will create a false tension in order to assert control over you. You often feel “trapped” when this happens. I am reminded of the Christmas Eve party in 2015, when Demi demanded to drive our family home, although she’d clearly had too much to drink. What was I to do? I didn’t argue, but I kept driving.
Smear campaign. A smear campaign occurs when you’re in the process of being discarded, and thereafter. The narcissist is pushing you away, and letting go of a measure of control of you. Beware: hoovering may occur, and the narcissist will attempt to suck you back into some kind of relationship, although not as the primary supply. They are guaranteed to come back around to you, because any attention from you, even negative, still feeds the Need. I’m quite certain I’m currently being smeared to our mutual friends. There’s no limit to what’s being said, I’m sure. She’s probably painting me differently to different people. She’ll claim my divorce petition was based on “lies.” It wasn’t, and I have documentation, witnesses, and police reports to back up my account. To some people, I’ll be painted as “mentally unstable” and even depressive; to others, I’ll be an abusive drunk; to still others I’ll be painted as a mirror-image of herself—a manipulative liar and cheater. Whatever I am, I’m none of those things. Just ask my kids, and the people who really know me.
Triangulation. I thought it strange, but when I first started visiting Demi in Portland on weekends in the late 1990s, she made sure I’d met both her husband Bob, and her cheating partner Kent. I thought it was strange. I’ll have another post about triangulation. I also suspect if she weren’t having an affair with her co-worker Vance, she was certainly teasing him into position as a potential, and had captured his attention by the time of the company’s Christmas party at the Saucebox restaurant in 2015.
Control. Asserting control over as many aspects of a partner’s life as possible for the purpose of concealment or simply for enforcing their entitlement. This may involve financial control, such as turning off joint accounts, etc.
Stonewalling. The silent treatment, a way of tensioning the relationship. The partner is made to walk on eggshells, hoping to endure the silence and avoid an abusive incident.
Blameshifting. Nothing is ever the narcissist’s fault. He or she will also projecting their own emotions onto you in a psychological game emotional hot-potato.
Parental Alienation. A narcissist seeks to control not only you, but how others see you. This necessarily predicts attempts at parental alienation once a break has occurred.
The vicious cycle of this abuse is really a manipulative trap that keeps you running in circles until it completely disables your reality, erases your personality, and then it ends—and as if that wasn’t enough, your abuser attempts to completely destroy your integrity so they can move on unscathed to start this cycle up again, with some new and unsuspecting person.
From <https://afternarcissisticabuse.wordpress.com/2018/01/06/the-vicious-cycle-of-this-abuse-is-really-a-manipulative-trap-that-keeps-you-running-in-circles-until-it-completely-disables-your-reality-erases-your-personality-and-then-it-ends-and-as-if/>
Things I’ve learned thus far: mating is no substitute for intimacy. And life is about more than what’s in the showcase. Or at least it should be. Children and a husband aren’t possessions, like houses and cars; and loyalty and integrity are required components in a marriage. Fidelity is a sine qua non. Whatever Demi is saying about me at this point doesn’t matter. When one takes into account the patterns of heavy drinking, the cheating, the patterns of deceit, the two documented assaults, and the neglect of children that stemmed directly from spending time doing other people and things, it’s clear that no matter how “bad” a marriage might become, normal people just don’t respond in the ways Demi did. Not at all. That’s how I know there’s something wrong.
But I can’t fix her. Her problems are none of my business. Whatever her “version” of events, it’s designed to protect her from additional exposure—exposure of her worst traits. When someone crumples and discards your trust, especially in the vicious manner Demi did to me … you come to the realization that if you place any value in yourself whatsoever, people like that simply aren’t worthy of your time and attention. Ну, вот и всё. As they say in Russia, that’s really all there is to it.
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