Many of you know the technical definition of insanity as “doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result.” I would like to pose an alternative definition. Insanity is “letting auto draft pick your player for you in your fantasy football league.” Don’t be that guy. If you follow the directive of this blog, you won’t need to be that guy. Here is Funkinfunnies’ top 10 tips for a successful fantasy football draft.
- What does Yahoo or ESPN know anyway? All they have done is consulted experts and compiled data to figure out which players will score you the most points on a consistent basis. You don’t want that. You want spotty and inconsistent. That’s what wins championships.
- Who touches the ball more than any player on the field? “The center,” that one d-bag know it all. Okay, but you can’t draft a center d-bag. Ergo, draft a QB. Preferably, one who isn’t currently on a roster. Think Tebow. That way, when they join a roster, you look like a prophet and a genius. The only thing worth more than winning is everybody else’s perception of you.
- Historically, defenses have been half of the game football. That means you literally have a chance to draft 50% of any given game. You want to lock that down. I would recommend a team that plays Cleveland, or the Browns as often as possible. Maybe even teams from North East Ohio.
- I’ve never known what that means. But I hear people say it all the time. I think it means draft a running back that has spent time in prison. You know those dudes are tough. Find a running back with a criminal record. You don’t need them on the field as much as you need them in the parking lot after the game.
- This is a tactic rarely employed, but very useful. Trade your higher picks for more picks later in the draft. Remember in the draft you are looking for quantity not quality. The more the merrier.
- Every NFL GM does this. This is a great panic move for those of you who feel completely overwhelmed by the prospect of letting your fans and your team down. Some call this the life raft of fantasy.
- Listen, odds are your team is going to suck. Like seriously, what are the odds that out of the 12 teams in your league, you’ll be the one walking away with the money? It’s literally 1/12. That’s horrendous. So if you can postpone paying awhile, you may be able to get out of paying altogether. Pray that they forget you haven’t paid. Another desperation tactic is to get laid off from your job so that the league commish has sympathy on you and doesn’t make you pay. That way you can suck with much less anxiety and self-hatred.
- This is a verbatim quote from my Angolan roommate who had no idea that at the time, Braxton Miller was still in college and therefore ineligible for the fantasy draft. But I like the forethought. Draft superstar college players for your team and just wait until next year.
- By this point you should have already accepted that you will lose your league. So go down swinging. And by swinging I mean go out unethically. Sell all your good players to other teams in the league for actual cash. It puts you in a position of power even though your ship is sinking.
- Truth is, fantasy football is a cruel MFer. Just when you think you’ve started flying on Eagle’s wings, you’ll get shot down. Don’t be like Icarus and fly too high. Fly low and over pillows so your fall is more protected.
Good luck this season.
-DFunk
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