John Matthews and Alfie Knowles leave Glastieve in disgrace following failed coup d’état in the Egalitarian government

A seemingly innocent discussion about whether or not to create a lottery in Glastieve has resulted in a ‘night of shame’ for John Matthews and Alfie Knowles, where the depth of their collusion against the government was revealed before Matthews deleted the chat history and attempted to threaten Mark S. Kavanah, before changing tack and announcing his permanent withdrawal, blocking Kavanah on Facebook and issuing poorly-punctuated statements to other Ministers.

A discussion about whether or not a lottery should be established turned heated after Matthews refered to Michael Howe as “stupid” and when the argument seemed to be turning against him, removed both Howe and Kavanah from the group, readding them a few minutes later on the grounds that it was “just for a bit of fun.” Minister for Media and Technological Affairs Tom McMillan removed Matthews from the group, informing him that this was a temporary measure to reduce tension; however, it only inflamed the issue, with Matthews continually insulting and attempting to remove other Ministers whenever he was offered the oppurtunity to calm down.

The so-called coup d’état was Matthews’ final response to the four other present Ministers disgareeing with him, as he removed all chatroom members except himself and Alfie Knowles from the chat, private messaging Kavanah: “Shame everyone apart from me and Alfie are out the group”. After Kavanah threatened to leak the conversation as proof of his and Alfie’s plotting against the group, acusations described by matthews as “ludicrous” and a result of “Kavanah just manipulating everyone”, Matthews retaliated by threatening to leak a “secret” of Kavanah’s, giving him “10 seconds to apologise before I release the secret.” Kavanah responded by nearly quoting some of Sans’ lines from Undertale (the national game).

“So, I’ve got a question for you.

“Do you think even the worst person can change. . . ?

“That everybody can be a good person, if they just try?


“Well, here’s a better question.

“Do you wanna have a bad time?

“Because if you don’t stop this pathetic, unskilled attempt at manipulation, I’m going to use all my Machavellian skills to make sure that you REALLY won’t like what happens next.”

Cartoonist’s impression of Mark S. Kavanah as Sans

In response to Kavanah’s continued pleas to end the coup, including a detailed walkthrough of how he intended to take Matthews down, Matthews announced suddenly that he was quitting Glastieve with immediate effect, and blocked Kavanah on Facebook to avoid further questioning. In messages to Tom McMillan, Matthews claimed that “Mark ahs no power he is a minister of economics not a lord high chancellor or any thing like that and yes quit Glastieve [sic overload] “, and when asked why he quit, claimed that “Glastieve is fake and. A waste of time [sic]”.

Since removing all members from the online chat, John Matthews resigned and added all members except Mark S. Kavanah back into the group, before leaving himself. During the dispute, now being branded as “Matthewsgate” by the involved Ministers, Matthews revealed that Alfie Knowles, former Undersecretary in the Department for National Identity, Insignia and Language had allegedly resigned two weeks previous. Alfie Knowles is yet to comment.

Three involved Ministers have issued official statements regarding ‘Matthewsgate’.

Minister for Infrastructure, Transportation and Geographical Affairs Michael Howe stated, “I believe that John Matthews’ resignation will not hinder the progress of Glastieve but rather streamline the government; make it functional. Matthews’ resignation shall be like the chains that hold the nation back have been severed. Without the former minister, fewer disagreements, arguments, shouting matches, physical skirmishes and verbal, emotional abuse to other respectful members of the Glastieven Cabinet.” Howe also described Matthews’ decision to delete all members from the online governmental groups as being like a “self-destruct” after realising that he’d been defeated in the argument

Minister for Media and Technological Affairs Tom McMillan stated, “He quit helping children at the church to do paid work, he actually admitted this to me. John or, as he should now be known as, Aaron told me that himself and Alfie, his immediate inferior quit Glastieve; when I asked him why he said ‘Glastieve is fake and a waste of time. His behavior and the objective truth says much more than any spin could.”

Minister for Economics, Finance and Governmental Communications Mark Kavanah stated that “John Matthews has disgraced himself and, in the short term at least, has humiliated Glastieve. We do not consider ourselves a nation that supports the variety of quasi-political, manipulative behaviour that Matthews – and to a lesser extent Alfie – have indulged in as part of their unsucessful attempt to sieze control of the Egalitarian Party. There can be no question of Matthews’ return to Glastieve, and in the short term, no question of my personal forgiveness.”

Editor’s note: The Glastieven was officially instructed by the Minister for Media and Technological Affairs and advised by the Media for Economics, Finance and Governmental Communications, as part fo the Media and Governemtnal Communications briefs, to write a report “showing the extent of our disgust and loathing for the former Minister’s behaviour.”


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