Real talk.
In my journey as a mother and wife and follower of Messiah I have had my fair share moments where I throw my hands up and get flustered and feel absolutely insane as to how I can balance all these roles.
Don’t get me wrong…I consider it a privilege to be a devoted believer, eyes open wide to My Creators ways and His truth for my life; a wife to the most tender loving and patient husband, and a mom to my darling little girl who is so full of life and joy.
But juggling the roles within each part has been a very difficult process this past 14 months.
Before marriage or child I would spend hours on end just studying the word of God, journaling, praying, abiding in His presence and seeking Him.
Then after getting married there was this beautiful season of learning to be One in Him as husband and wife, no longer just individuals. Seeking the Father in studies together, praying together, fasting together, learning and growing together. It’s amazing and intimate and such a blessing!
Then here we are with a baby and the season of sitting by my bible quietly with my journal and pretty pens and sweet worship music is suddenly put on hold. The demands of nursing your baby those first months are incredible. Especially for me who exclusively breastfed on demand. It was a BEAUTIFUL experience and I wouldn’t change it for the world..the way He designed mother and child to operate it is just fascinating and I am beyond blessed I get to experience it. But I have to say, I have had moments and seasons this past year where I struggled spiritually. I found myself feeling distanced from Him, feeling guilty for not spending the time I used to get to spend with Him, getting caught up in my mind during those times of isolation as a new born mom.
I never stayed stuck there of course. It was a roller coaster effect. There were times Rayah would sleep longer in the mornings and I could have some time to spend just me and God again. Or nap times, etc. but the point is the spiritual shift that happens as a mom is intense!
You have a whole new approach to prayer and intercession over your own flesh and blood. Yet at the same time you find it difficult to focus in prayer and in abiding in His presence or stillness because of all the new physical demands that have also come about, not to mention lack of sleep..
It is a really tough place, and my purpose in posting this is to hopefully encourage some of you believing mommas out there!
I have been really pressing into Him these past few months, despite the chaos in our home (a toddler+ 4month old puppy=a lot of excitement) and my husband and I have established many new grounds spiritually as a couple; it’s been amazing!
And recently one of the things I’ve been asking sweet ABBA is to show me “what does it look like to abide in You when I am a hot mess mom?” …with my mind on a million things constantly laying down my expectations of what this house is going to look like, much less MYSELF?!
So this morning I woke up EXTRA early, despite the fact that Rayah has slept AWFUL the past few weeks as she’s getting a mouthful of teeth. I just had to meet with Him today because I needed to abide.
Well as soon as I sit at the table with my bible and journal guess who wakes up? Screaming crying…
Too tired and in love to be mad I run upstairs and lay her on my chest. I look up at the ceiling and my mind is going crazy! Playing all sorts of guilt games…”I should’ve gotten up earlier and then I would’ve had time with God” …then my mind is wandering to a bunch of random other things and I think “I should be praying right now but my dang mind is all over the place!” So I asked him to take my thoughts captive…
And all of the sudden I hear Him.
“Quit striving darling.”
Striving? I haven’t done ANYTHING…if anything I need to read more, pray more, seek more….
“You are striving. Abiding is just to be still with me in whatever moment that looks like.”
I sit quietly trying to debate wether or not I just made that up in my head for about 2 minutes when He continues to speak to me…
He was quick to pull me out of the guilt games and reassure me of His love for me, that’s for sure. I won’t get into all of my time with Him and what He spoke to me because we’d be here for hours if so. But what I want to get across here is this, beloved saints:
No matter where you are, or how crazy it is around you; HOLY SPIRIT IS IN YOU.
Mommas:
He is there in the middle of you changing diapers and cleaning up puppy pees and mopping up apple sauce and refolding the laundry for the third time because your child undoes everything you do.
There doesn’t have to be this perfect scene of a coffee cup and bible open with a pretty journal and cute ink pen. It doesn’t have to be perfect for Him to abide with you. (Not that there is ANYTHING wrong with that picture…I quite enjoy that as often as I can get it) I know that sounds so stinking simple but IT’S TRUE! After my time with Him this morning while Rayah slept on my chest, I’ve never felt more confident of that.
He wants in on all the details of our lives and He wants to talk to us throughout the day! Interact with us, encourage us, help us, guide us, remind us we are LOVED! The key is taking captive our thoughts to Him and asking Him “where are you in this” I am certain He will show you. Pray for a tender heart that will Hear Him, hearken your ear in the midst of the screaming baby…I guarantee you He will speak so softly to your heart you will quit clenching your teeth in frustration and handle the flustered baby in love. You just might hear Him tell you how adorable your little one is to Him and boy, will the wreck your world!
Shalom and be Blessed.
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